


A Lot

by Nedlovesyoda



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Again some SEXY TIME STUFF as a heads up, Also a t-slur so be wary of that, Also another character is Kokichi’s shitty boyfriend but he doesn’t deserve a name :), Au with trans kokichi hc and cis shuichi hc, Eating Disorders, First Time Blow Jobs, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Kokichi and Kaito are brothers and live with their grandparents:3, M/M, Maki’s like mentioned but I don’t know if I’ll incorporate her into the story as a character yet :/, Mutual Masturbation, My girl Kaede made it into a Chapter let’s gooo, Non-con mentioned, Older dude making advances at a minor (kokichi), POV Oma Kokichi, Pain and shit, Party, Pre-Game Harukawa Maki, Pre-Game Momota Kaito, Pre-Game Oma Kokichi, Pre-Game Saihara Shuichi, Saiharas a sweet emo boi, Self-Harm, Sex over the phone sort of, Smut, Spoilers, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Oma Kokichi, Underage Drinking, angsty, don’t worry the sexy time stuff is actually pretty rare, eventual sexy time stuff, if you don’t like any of these tags I beg you not to read this I don’t want you to be hurt :(, incest (mentioned by another character), kinda spoilers I guess??, lots of misgendering, oh boy, oumasai, please don’t hate me ;-;, saiouma, there is penetrative sex, well if you haven’t finished the game then spoilers I guess HGHHHH, why did I write this this sucks doesn’t it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:07:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 49,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27370183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nedlovesyoda/pseuds/Nedlovesyoda
Summary: //TW read tags//Kokichi is like really sad. All the time...He’s got a shit boyfriend, grandparents that don’t understand what exactly he’s going through, a hopeful brother and an admirer he’s too scared to love.This is a lot of pain but the Saiouma parts are nice so...
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 58
Kudos: 141





	1. The Mundane Day to Day

**Author's Note:**

> //TW Read the tags dude//
> 
> This is one chapter of many. I’ve been feeling really shitty this year especially now- Please don't worry I’m fineeee. It’s just this mental and ED stuff in here is from my experiences and sorta captures how I feel. Also in cooperation with Cade but he’s not a writer on here .-. Cades so awesome big round of applause for him allowing me to sorta dissect his brain so I could get a second opinion on what dysphoria could feel like for this character. Again. If you think this story is going to offend you PLEASE DON’T READ IT. I want you to be okay, precious.
> 
> ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO THE FORMAT OF THE STORY AND HOW IT SHOULD BE READ  
> this is me experimenting with this writing style. I write lots of poetry but the bold text sentence sort of structure is very new and I’m trying it out. I know it can definitely be confusing so please just bear with me  
> (Read the bold text with every stanza)  
> E.g.  
> (B) Life  
> Sucks(read life sucks)  
> Hurts(read life hurts)  
> This is stupid I know but I like the way it came out  
> It also doesn’t really work for some paragraphs you get really deep into so I apologize for that.  
> It probably only works with the flow of the sentence so don’t read it like that if it doesn’t really make sense in your head :) I suck ik. And also sorry if English is hard to understand and this format just made it worse.

**Swallow**

The air that’s spitting in your mouth

The food that’s being fed to you

The lies everyone keeps telling you

The hurt that’s pummeled towards you

The water that clogs your body

The water that you so righteously depend on

**Swallow**

For me.

**————————————————————————**

**K** navish

 **O** verbearing

 **K** vetching

 **I** ncompetent 

**C** haotic

 **H** elpless

 **I** nsane

**. . .** **_hi_ **

**————————————————————————**

**Friday**

**————————————————————————**

**His voice,**

It’s raspy from his morning rise.

_-Get up faceache, ‘less you wanna get walkin!_

It’s endearing but pestering enough.

Is one I laugh at when I hear this early in the morning

And even it—knows how to cheer me up somehow

**Brother:**

Self proclaimed “Luminary of The Stars”, senior ‘hit with the ladies’, Kaito

Is seriously annoying

Somehow always has the answer

Can’t always protect me

Doesn’t always know where I am

But-

Doesn’t know everything

Doesn’t need to know, it’ll aggravate him

**_-K._ **

It’s something I say often

I don’t know how else to respond

I’m thinking too much, my bad 

**Clothing**

Unnecessary

Unwanted

Concealing

Helpful-

Quite a contradiction I’m aware

Is something I need, but I hate, but I love to hate, see?

Doesn’t mean shit, apparently.

**Breakfast,**

Skip it

**School**

Do I even need to explain?

Is grating

Makes me sleepy

Is the reason I’m so mentally detached- well-

Is definitely not the only reason

**My Locker**

Is jammed

He comes up to it

He looks pissed

Wait- when did this become about him?

**This bastard**

Lies to me

Knows I lie back

Makes me scared

Is a man I love

Is a man I shouldn’t love

Is a man I’m terrified of

.

.

.

...did I mention I’m scared?

**_-You didn’t call me last night. What the fuck?_ **

He says it nonchalantly but I sense the aggression in the sentence

_-Sorry. I told you I have shit connection_

Lie

I broke my phone

If he knew I was this irresponsible I’d be punished

Punished

Like he’s an authoritative figure

Like he has power over me

Wait- he does, doesn’t he?

_-Remind me then, shit!_

He scoffs this.

How could I possibly remind him of this if I can’t text him

_-Sorry. What did you want anyways?_

_-I think you know_ , he chuckles

Gross

Sometimes he grosses me out

_-What..makes you think I’d automatically agree to that? I told you- I...don’t like that…_

_-It’s human nature! Don’t be such a pussy._

I sigh

What else can I say

He places his hand on my shoulder and whispers into my ear

_-I just wanna see that vertical smile._

He grins and walks off after the third bell

**Cry**

I want to right now

No one will hear me do it anyways

My face is hot

Tears are responding to this idea

Ow

His misogyny stabs into my chest like a knife

I’m not even a woman and I’m offended- well-

Obviously I would be…

**————————————————————————**

**Pinching Pain**

Is a thing I can control, but chose not to take control of

Without this pinching pain, I’m nothing

**Stabbing Pain**

The predecessor of the original pinching

Humans that bare penises usually avoid this in the problem area however

**Breasts**

I hate that word. 

I hate that part of the body

So stupid

Only useful to people that use them the correct way and actually find them necessary

One of the things that makes me passionate and angry

I’m sorry. It’s not your fault

I have them

You have them

Everyone does, unfortunately

Whether it’s the chicken’s in your freezer, or the lumps on your body. I don’t care because

Your breasts are not my business

**Sweat**

Covers my body when I’m scared

Gets trapped in every crevice

Presses against the binder on my chest

Covers my hands when I talk to cute boys

Soaks my clothing when it’s hot and I’m in a tight space

trying to hide .

**Winter**

Is approaching

Is cold

Is scary

Is dry

Is annoying

Makes me happy

Makes me moisturize

Has snow

Is when the arguments pick up

Is when I have a break from school

Is when he screams at me

Is when he wants to call me all the time

Is when he threatens to off himself more often

Makes me nervous

Makes me smoke

Bestows fear in me

**Home,**

The place where no one listens

The place where my ideas are ignored

The place where voices get louder

The place where my meds are

The place where my mirror is

The place where the scale is

The place where I’m the most suicidal—when I should feel the most protected

**House**

Is feeling under the weather

Has some bills unpaid

Is cramped, small, and stuffy

Isn’t where I want to be

**My grandparents**

Took my brother and I after our parents died

Are old and wrinkly

Are sweet- at times

Still hold onto aged beliefs

Are ignorant

Aren’t as wise as the stories lead others to believe

Are trying

Aren’t trying hard enough

68

66

**Dinner**

Heavily seasoned

Hearty

Greasy—surprisingly

Nurturing

Not getting consumed

The thing I’m lying about finishing

**Night**

Long day

Recap: 27 calories total, evening weigh in- 39 kilos, dysphoria meter- 97%, shitty abusive boyfriend and I made contact, took three tests I most likely failed, had a mental breakdown in the bathroom—because of lunch, the stress of history class, and the fact that I’m forced to cry in the woman’s bathroom.

I lie in bed

Before Kaito gets out of the shower, the drawer is pulled open and out comes my blade

The red slit burns hot for a second

The color looks interesting against the moonlight

The light flicks on, when it should be off

I fumble with the drawer trying to shut it and remain unnoticed

Unsuccessful, but no _pressing_ questions are asked

 _-You good?_ He asks while drying his hair with a towel

I nod

Lie

I rush off to the bathroom and try to disinfect the cut

While tending to it, he walks in and grabs his comb

I try my best to hope that he doesn’t notice me but he definitely does

He looks at me then at my sprayed and bloodied wrist. He sighs, scratches the back of his head, and walks out

The expression on his face was almost identical to a cringe

Like he wants to say something but he doesn’t want me to react the way he knows I will

He probably doesn’t even know what to say

**Turn off**

The light

Your phone..

Talk to me

What did I do

When did I do it

How come our relationship is so scattered and uncomfortable?

Remember when we were children?

You were the big adventurous older brother and I was the whiny spoiled little ‘sister’

What happened?

I wish you would talk to me

I won’t flip out too much

I take the meds I forgot to take in the morning

I’ll stay up until I have to go to school, anyways

I lie down and stare at the wall

You fall asleep before me—on a call with your girlfriend

Goodnight

**————————————————————————**

**I dream of the blue haired boy**

He’s waiving to me

He actually wants to have a conversation 

Helping me with homework

Kissing me

Accepting me

Not just being the boy across the hall

Holding me

This cute emo-looking blue haired boy

**This dream is wrong**

I have a boyfriend

If I talk to you he’ll kill us both

I want to wake up

I’m filled with guilt

But it feels so right

**Please**

Don’t let me wake up yet, actually

Bite my neck

Grab me and squeeze me

Call me yours

Treat me beautifully 

Love me

Dip your fingers inside of my soul

Inside of my soul…?

Inside of...me?

.

.

.

Gross.

Never mind… 

**————————————————————————**

**Summer of freshman year**

**————————————————————————**

**Arguments**

Happen when you don’t agree with someone

When someone doesn’t agree with _you_

I only remember the worst ones

Old people love em

Grandpa certainly started a rough one with me last summer

**_-You’re a woman_ **

Ouch

Rough ain’t it?

This sentence was fueled by my idea of getting top surgery and taking T’

I don’t like to talk about it

But it’s relevant enough, right?

**Grandma**

Why did you chime in?

_-Don’t you want to get married to a man, and have children?_

…I can still do those things…

_-Being a man- I just don’t understand! You’re a young lady- you have breasts and periods and you’re meant to bear children!_

Not exactly “meant to” but alrighty. 

_-Enjoy this time! I know you might be confused but just be a woman—it’s much better!_

But it’s not though.

Being a woman is so difficult

Women are stronger than me that’s for damn sure

Even if being a woman was better than being a man-

I wish I was born a man anyways

I wish I was living as a man

I wish I was biologically a man

Clothing has nothing to do with it

And neither does bathrooms, tampons, bras, or some other third thing!

Life can’t just be the universe flipping a coin and deciding the things you don’t even want

That’s not fair

That’s not worth the pain along the way

**_-No. That’s the end of it! No- body changing, No voice changing, No “gender changing” It’s absurd!_ **

I lost

Oh well

I lose everything 

You watch from the corner

I look at you for help but none is given

Remember when you used to stick up for me?

.

.

.

Now you slowly watch me rot everyday

**The blade that night**

Was intense

Cut me like butter

Scarred me up bad

Helped me see inside my arm a bit

Was a blade I couldn’t control

**I cried**

Myself to sleep

From 7pm to 1:30 in the morning

And wanted to scream

In front of you

Because I didn’t really care who saw anymore

And looked like a fool

My bad

**————————————————————————**

**She**

Was depressed

Was suicidal 

Felt ignored

Didn’t eat

Lost so much weight

Was so stressed

Was distraught

Wasn’t even “she”

**He**

Is depressed

Is suicidal

Feels ignored

Doesn’t eat

Doesn’t lose enough weight

Is so stressed

Is empty

Isn’t “he” supposedly

**Improvising**

By shoplifting a binder

By smoking cigarettes for my anxiety and so I lose my appetite 

By getting a boyfriend

By cutting my hair

By cutting class

By not shaving

By hoping a truck of testosterone hits me in the face or something

By hoping for a truck to hit me in general

**————————————————————————**

**-Saturday-**

**————————————————————————**

**The voices**

you’re nothing without him

you’re worthless 

you’re a bitch

kill yourself 

you’re fucking insane

cunt   
  
you’re a mess

no one could love you

you have nothing-

you 

are -well, you have a vagina 

nothing 

fat you deserve it

you’re no man

why are you still alive 

garbage slut 

fuck doll

boring

waste of space

demon’s seed 

hurt yourself

no one will care anyways 

ugly

pointless 

_do it_

**————————————————————————**

**Laying in bed,**

He whispers

_-I told you that’d be great._

_-..._

_-You don’t talk enough.. you’re boring_

_-..._

He rolls over facing the wall

 _-ok.._ , he grumbles

He pulls out his phone 

He texts someone else

He just wants to get a rise out of me

 _-Why...do you...hurt me like this?_ , I mumble

_-It’s not “hurt” it’s love. Learn to appreciate it. Can’t get it from anywhere else, right?_

_-..._

_-Exactly!_

_-If you love me, why do you talk to other people?_

_-They’re friends._

_-The way your texting them doesn’t seem like your friends_

_-You calling me a liar?!_

_-No. Just- asking…_ , my voice becomes more shaky 

He holds me

It feels like I’m being held as a prisoner

_-You know I love you baby_

I nod

 _-I love that pussy even more though_ , he chuckles

I can’t stand that word in that context

I break away from his hold and turn to respond to him

 _-How come you have to...give it ‘that’ name?_ , my face is red. I’m angry now

_-That’s what it is, right? What else can I call it—tell me_

_-You don’t- have to say anything_

_-For a ‘man’ you still act like you’re on your period_

Saw that coming. Typical

***Slap***

Big mistake

He looks at me shocked

I look at me shocked

_-What did you just do?_

I can tell the slap didn’t even hurt him

It was more of a wake up call

If I were to slap him, I could’ve at least made it hurt

Heat of the moment- I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

_-I’m sor-_

He grabs my arm

The arm I just cut not more than a few hours ago

He yanks me HARD and pulls me into the bathroom

I stumble behind

My legs aren’t working. I’m too scared to fly, let alone walk

He harshly pushes the faucet on the tub over to hot

The water now pretty much as hot as it can get

I know what’s coming next

This is one of my many little “punishments”

My eyes don’t widen like they used to

I now shut my eyes and bite my lip. Hard

He yanks my arm and runs it under the blistering hot water

He seems to do this when he recognizes a fresh cut and I don’t comply

I want to scream

I did the first time

Except, this lovely man tries something new!

He pulls at the skin of the cut prying it open a bit

Now the blistering hot water pierces my wound. Fun!

I can’t help but scream

It’s not one of those horror movie screams, it comes out as more of a yell

Tears STING my eyes

Hell, the need to cry pains my face and throat

I manage to pull his arm off and run down the stairs

I’m shameful. In nothing but my underwear

**I hide**

This time it’s in one of the cabinets of the sink in his garage

All I have to do is wait it out in here

I can’t turn on a light

If I spot a bug or a mouse it’s game over

Hoping for the best

I’m freezing

Goosebumps cover my body

My butt hits the cold damp bottom of the cabinet I’m in- disgusting

I grab my arm and hold it

It’s red with a dark red hand mark on it

I touch the hand mark. Definitely a bruise

I shut the cabinet door

I hope he’ll come out and be sweet

I hope his mood will swing and I’ll see him smiling and treating me nice like he does after this

That’s how he gets me to stay, isn’t it…

He’s so damn charming at times

He’s poison

I put my head in my hands and cry

Why am I even with anyone

Why did I want him

Why do I feel like I need him so much?

Why am I adding to the destruction in my life?

**Eventually, he finds me…**

He gives me a hand

I get up and look at the ground..I don’t know what to do

He holds me tight

It feels more sweet then vicious this time

He plants a kiss on my head

I give in and wrap my arms around his waist

We cuddle up on his couch in the living room and watch tv

He eats snacks

I drink water

We’re silent for the most part

I guess he doesn’t know how to apologize. Ever…

My cut is numb

I fall asleep in his arms a little after 3 in the morning

He goes to work on me..while I’m sleeping disturbingly enough 

I’m not 100% sure though—I could be over exaggerating

I feel him though 

In my dreams I hear him grunting and moaning

In my dreams I feel something burst inside

I’m not even safe in my dreams

**————————————————————————**


	2. What a surprising guest!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW eating disorders and bruises/self harm scars implied (and I guess a little bit shown :( either way, watch out for those tags bby)//
> 
> The morning after the fight, Kokichi’s got an unsuspected guest at his door. You already know who it is though, don’t you?  
> Cliche? Of course!
> 
> Also we take a look at Kokichi’s emotions and how they affect his thoughts about people he wants close to him. Not entirely though... more on that later ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep! Posted another chapter in the same day! I finished up the first chapter today and even got time to work on the second one! Don’t expect this to be a usual thing. I often post twice in a row and leave for like a month. Lets hope that doesn’t happen though ahhh!!!

**Sunday**

**————————————————————————**

**Do you ever just**

Stand in the shower and let the water hit you

Space out while this happens?

Think about the things you did and wonder how someone like you is still walking on this earth?

Believe me, there are worse people on this earth than me

But I can’t help but feel like I’m here so that people can be disgusted by me

**I want to**

Escape the hell i'm in right now

Die—that’s clear isn’t it

Dig a hole and sleep in it forever

I want to slice my wrists open and see what happens

Well

That certainly got dark

Excuse me-

**I want to**

Love you

Skydive into a pile of rainbows and kittens

Live in wonderland forever

Spin and dance with fairies or some shit

**I’m**

Having a bit of a episode

Sorry

Unstable

Sorry

Too much sometimes

Sorry

Talking about it all again

**My oatmeal**

Is instant

Is getting cold

Isn’t going to be eaten

Is glaring at me

Is watching me waste away

Is watching in disgust, while I try to act like I’m better than it

Is right

Is gross

Didn’t deserve that...sorry oatmeal…

**It’s 12 pm and**

I’m home

I’m happy to be alive

I just took some drugs

I want to go out

I want to lay on the grass outside

_Ding dong_

...Guess who just came over!

**I didn’t know**

You knew my brother

You were friends with him

You knew where I lived this entire time

You looked so good in skinny ripped jeans

**I shut my door**

Because I don’t know how to talk to you

Because I don’t know what to say or do

Because I’m shy

I feel butterflies in my stomach

**There’s no way**

You could possibly be into me

You’re into men—it’s too perfect

You think I’m cute

You’re convinced I’m a guy…

**I hear**

Your laugh

You guys’ conversation

You both playing games

You playing my favorite game

**I**

Want to join—even if it’s just so I can tease you

Want to get to know you

Want to talk to you, the cute blue haired boy

Will…eventually….hopefully… 

Walk out of my room

Walk into the kitchen, it’s near the living room. Perfect way to act like I’m getting something when really, I’m just stalking you

Open the fridge. Shit. Why would I do that, now I’m hungry.

**You**

Get up, I see it at the corner of my eye

Walk into the kitchen. SHIT. Sorry, is my heart pounding too loud?

Notice me after looking up from your phone

Say, _-Ah- hi._

Sound nervous

Say it with an awkward smile

Are. Too. Cute.

**_-Hey._ **

It almost cuts off your sentence, it’s so quick

After I say it, I wanna puke. I can’t tell if my brain is telling me to do this because I’m nervous or because I think I’m fat right now…

We stare at each other

You stare at me I stare at you, it’s an unfun game

Literally what the hell do I say?

What do you say? 

_-I didn’t know you lived here. Or were Kaito’s brother…Small world I guess, right?_

You sound cute when you say this

Like your uncomfortable but you want to say something nice

I nod

Why would I nod and say nothing else?

You walk away after grabbing a snack

I don’t know what I expected

I guess I was hoping we’d chat it up…? But with what chemistry exactly?

**Whatever**

At least you called me his brother

**Shuichi**

It’s a nice name

Is the name my brother calls you, so it must be your’s…

Like Shumai. Delicious. I’m hungry again.

5’7-ish, huh? You look like it…

Short in tall guy world, tall in short guy world

**After a while**

You come into the kitchen again 

I can hear you talking and walking to the fridge. Boys eat a lot. Either that or I’m not eating enough. I envy you. You stay so slender

I get up and speed walk to the kitchen. I want to be alone with you

**You place your hand**

On the refrigerator handle

Where I place my hand

On it at the same time as me

On my hand. By mistake…

**_-Sorry-_ **

You stumble. Don’t apologize. Did you really not want to touch my hand that bad..?

_-It’s okay… you can… grab what you want first…_

_-No, no you can!_

Ok fine.

You’re tricky, Shuichi

You put me in this awkward situation. Thanks. I _DIDN’T EVEN WANT ANYTHING._

I grab the milk from the fridge. I hate milk, cool. 

I brush a strand of my hair behind my ear with my fingers. I look away awkwardly while you get what you want out of the fridge

You pull out two sodas, but someone texts you

You read your phone. I can’t just put this milk back, no one does that. All the cups are in the sink. I could pretend to wash them but how unfortunate, the dish soap is in our spider infested cabinet.

God,

Where did you go?

**Christ...okay!**

I open the slim carton of milk. 

I...I drink it

I don’t know why but I’m nervous so I think drinking it will impress you somehow???

I hate milk. It tastes exactly like how I imagine a cows titty _would_ taste. 

You put your phone away and don’t even look at me when you turn the corner

**Seriously?**

I did that for nothing?

I thought up this big scenario in my head for nothing?

I did this all for a daydream that doesn’t even make any sense?

Seriously.

**Vomit**

Is raining from my mouth

Is the acid rain in my little village

Is making me feel even more disgusting than I already felt today

Just for a boy

You stink. Y’know that?

**What a coincidence?**

That the last time I’d see you would be after I have a little altercation with my stomach in the bathroom!

That I would bump into you in front of this lovely room

**Thank goodness**

I remembered to flush

I’m not that stupid after all

That oh- you didn’t even say anything to me either! How lovely! I don’t know what THE FUCK I KEEP THINKING WILL HAPPEN BUT THANK ~~GOODNESS~~ FUCK YOU ARE HERE.

**_-Goodnight_ **

I tell you, when I see you

I sound pissed because I am

It’s not your fault but I hate you so fucking much right now

Talk to me

Love me

I know we have something going on, I can feel it

Maybe I’m fucked up though

If I am, why can’t you just let me know that whatever I think we have isn’t there

I’m beginning to slowly think it isn’t

Thanks Shuichi. Goodnight

_-Goodnight._

You catch me before I shut the door on you

I’m glad you came. Really.

**————————————————————————**

**Manic Midnight**

**————————————————————————**

**I’m manic for now so,**

I think Shuichi should be a household name!

I want you to live here

I want to lick your skin

I want to grab your cock. Is...that cheating? Fuck him. If I was with you he would literally mean nothing to me.

I love you, Shuichi

I can’t stop thinking about you

I want your arms around me

I want you to fuck me

It’s not uncommon for me to have these thoughts. It’s just uncommon for me to have them for a person. No real person has ever made me feel this sexual. It’s foolish and creepy

I want you to choke me

My hand trails downward when I think about you tonight 

I try to please the genitalia in my pants but I can’t. It feels wrong. WHY IS THIS HERE? 

**I can’t**

Masturbate tonight. I never do anyways.

Imagine us having sex anymore

Imagine being stable enough to stay with you for very long…

**Goodnight.**

**————————————————————————**

**Off on a Monday**

**————————————————————————**

**Shuichi...again,**

Sorry

My thoughts can be...explicit when I’m having an episode

I wish I didn’t think about you like this. I certainly wouldn’t want you to think about me like this

I’m not weird- I promise...well, promise probably isn’t the best word to use

**Black Coffee**

Is all I want this morning

Is all I’m gonna have 

0 cals and sugar ‘hack’ it with 2 packs of Splenda

Energizing

Makes my breath smell like ass though…

**While at the table**

I see you’ve both already eaten

I wonder if I’m going to remain alone

I wonder if you already went home

**I hear your laugh**

Never mind

My body feels lighter and warmer now

**You**

Are talking about a girl. I heard that. Who is she? Is she pretty?

Would look beautiful next to a decent looking girl

Come through to the living room from the back. Were you in the bathroom? Or...my room? I was just in there- impossible. Why does it matter

Were just checking the router in that hallway, right? That actually makes more sense

Say, _-Morning!_ As soon as you see me. Should I keep being scared or should I give you my number before you leave? Shit- no! I don’t have a phone. Your jacket’s in your hand. You’re totally gonna leave, right?

Look at me for a sharp second until I quickly respond, 

_-Good morning. What are...you and ‘Starboy’ up to?_

Get some orange juice and hesitantly grab a cup. Interesting. Do you want a reason to keep talking to me?

Chuckle, _-Ah well, we were supposed to be studying like this entire time, but we slacked off and really lost track of time! I’m totally gonna fail this exam tomorrow! He told me he took it last year but to be honest… I think he cheated..”_ , we both giggle

Yes. My brother has cheated A LOT in his life.

_-Sidekick! Little bro! Getting along? Ahh? Ahh?_

Kaito winks at me.

I playfully slap his arm

‘Playfully’ Doesn't mean I don’t want to die.

**_-It’s like too early for me to waste energy on you_ **

I fake a chuckle

_-Early? The hell, it’s like noon-_

_-Well that’s early for me_

Shuichi watches our brotherly interaction awkwardly

It’s weird. Kaito seems upbeat today

He’s usually upbeat- but shit, we don’t pester each other like this often

Something must’ve happened while Shuichi was here last night.

Did he lie to me? Was he really studying or did Kaito hook him up with some girl? Kaito seems to get upbeat when he’s got a high ego so I wish I knew what was _really_ going on… I hate being left in the dark.

I take Shuichi’s cup along with my mug

_-What the hell ya doin drinking black coffee anyways? You’re short enough, why further stunt your growth n’ shit?_

I roll my eyes

_-You would believe a myth like that_

_-Saw it on like Dr. Oz dude. I swear to god!_

_-Must be lost in translation or something. Or maybe your heads screwed on backwards_

_-Fuck dude, let me vibe todayyyy_ , he dramatically groans—which actually makes me laugh because he uses the term “vibe” unironically

Kaito returns to his room for a brief moment

I turn the sink on and begin to wash Shuichi’s cup

He stops me

_-Uh, I can...wash this… it’s cool!_

_-But you’re like...a guest. That’d be super uncool…_

_-Well I mean, you got up at noon… you must be tired, right?_

_-I’ve learned to adapt, actually._ We chuckle like it’s a joke, but we both know it’s the truth.

Silence

**_-You guys don’t have a dishwasher?_ **

Aw, sweetheart.

The question comes out genuine and sweet, but it’s kind of rude to ask when you’re staying at a lower middle class house

 _-No...we actually wash the dishes like poor people. Crazy I know!_ Ugh. Shut the fuck up. It wasn’t cute or funny

_-No, No! I didn’t-_

_-It’s fine… I’m just busting your balls_

He hesitates for a second then awkwardly smiles, _-Oh! Right…_

More silence

**_-Have you ever washed the dishes?_ **

_-Ye-Yeah!_

_-..._

_-No… but- you just take this thing here and put soap on it right? Then you like- get the thing all soapy and you...wash it off._

_-Well sure but if you do it like_ _that_ _then the dishes...stay..greasy…”_

He awkwardly fumbles with the bowl in the sink

I grab his hands and help him out. 

My sleeves are rolled up

I should’ve just let him do it

He catches a glimpse at my fucked up arm

The finger marks on it are now turning to a cool turquoise/purple color. Sick. My scars don’t look any good either and my arm has a small red mark on it. I look contagious 

He’s startled

 _-Oh- Ko…_ he trails off in a whisper. He doesn’t want to offend me does he?

I pull my hands from out the sink and dry them off

I ruined my chances with him didn’t I?

I’m sorry, Shuichi

I’m sorry you had to see that…

He hurries after me. I can see him before I turn the corner.

_-It’s okay! Kokichi-_

He told him my name too? Damnit Kaito. I can’t avoid him much now if he’s gonna be vocal about this pursuit.

Pursuit.

He doesn’t want me

Why would I even say that?

**I stayed in my room**

**I didn’t say goodbye when he left**

**I miss him so much I’m hurting so bad**

**What would he have even said if I listened**

**Why didn’t I listen?**

**————————————————————————**

**Tuesday night**

**————————————————————————**

**I didn’t**

Go to my locker today

See you

Want to

Want you to think I was a fucking freak

Want another person in this world to despise me

I need a phone

**My**

Brother and my boyfriend talk up a storm tonight

Brother and my boyfriend are “buddy buddy” I guess

Heart sinks

Subconscious is drowning

No way

Even if I ever leave him, he’ll still be tied to me right?

I want to leave him

I don’t think Shuichi and I really have much of a chance together anymore

We didn’t have anything anyways

But I still want to be free

He says “ _there’s the door”_

But I’m too scared to turn the knob

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Don’t worry we’ll soon touch on more of Shuichi’s characteristics. He’s not exactly perfect!


	3. I Got a New Phone. Yay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW fighting and abuse, writing this one gave me like flashbacks so if you have any sort of PTSD surrounding abuse, PLEASE be mindful of this warning and DO NOT proceed if you think you may feel uncomfortable//
> 
> Kokichi’s got a new phone along with some new clothes. He’s hopeful for this new update in his life—even if it is small. Kokichi’s has had enough of this shit, man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //TW fighting and abuse (read tags and summary)//
> 
> Let me know what you think. I’m currently pumping these babies out cause I’m on a creativity spree.
> 
> ALSO I have some emojis in this one cause they’re texting. If you can’t see them I’m sorry, I tried to use pretty basic ones that I know like almost every phone and computer has :/

**Friday**

**————————————————————————**

**I got**

A new phone

A reason to text Shuichi

A reason to text...him

A reason to feel anxious 

A reason to stay up longer

A reason to be distracted

A reason to fall into the ocean 

A reason for the sandbags tied to my ankles to pull me under

A reason to drown

A reason to sleep

**New clothes**

We got them while shopping for the Winter yesterday

We bought with Grandma’s paycheck!...When will she just retire?

A time for me to change my image

A time for me to commit

Finally, I won’t have any girly shit left over

I won’t have to throw on a sweatshirt and wear the same three pairs of jeans everyday. Yippee

“Boy clothes”, as grandma calls it

**———————————————————————**

**Yesterday**

**———————————————————————**

**On the rack**

I see a button up shirt with crows on it. It’s cute, but I couldn’t imagine wearing something that could potentially draw attention to me.

I take some Adidas sweatpants and a plain black tee instead.

Nothing is my size. I guess I’ll have to shop in the women’s section anyways. I hate myself

**In the WOMEN’S dressing room,**

I try on a pair of size 00 white jeans. I feel accomplished when I see that size. I went from a 2 to a 00 that quick! Well- that’s not much of an accomplishment actually—it’s only like 3 sizes…

Grandma hands me some bras. Why? Why would you do this to me?

She tells me to try them on. Tells me some lucky boy will probably unclip it someday. I hate when she talks like that. Too spicy.

I decline. She insists. She comes in

_ -I like this one, it's frilly! I think it’d suit you, baby! _

_ -I don’t want one though- _

_ -Or this one! It’s bland and beige, but you can still party with it! Looks comfortable enough, right? _

_ -Grandma I- _

_ -This one is adorable!! What size are you? You definitely look like you went down a couple of sizes… I mean they were always little, but- _

_ -Grandma I don’t want one! _ , it came out as a shout, but I didn’t mean for it to.

_ -Well you have to wear a bra...unless you think they’re small enough you’ll pass without one _

Yeah- well I wish.

_ -I want- I  _ _ am _ _ a..dude, grandma! I’m not some girl that wears bras, and skirts, and walks around with a- dog in a purse- I’m a goddamn man! _

Grandma sighs. She’s put off by my outburst.

_ -This is… a phase- _

_ -It’s not though! You have no idea how I feel about this. What I do because I’m treated like I’m going through some stupid phase! Have you ever even seen a transgender person- _

_ -That’s- the work of the devil! No  _ _ granddaughter _ _ of mine will be into any of that- witchcraft! You’re a woman and it’s gonna stay that way! I thought we had this conversation already!  _

_ -Yeah, but I guess you won’t understand anyways. _

_ -There’s nothing I need to understand though, baby… I get it! Some girls want to be tomboys! _

_ -Then explain to me why I want to kill myself everyday because I wasn’t born a fucking man? _

.

..I’m not  _ in  _ the dressing room anymore because I walked out.

I buy my clothes and ignore her as she tries to get me to say what I just said again. I guess she wants clarification on my cry for help.

**I lost her**

I’m walking in the mall by myself

I see a cute boy while I’m trying to buy a phone case

I buy it from him and the entire time I’m flustered. My hands sweat.

I hopelessly walk around like a lost dog

Good.

**She eventually found me**

Wandering around in the parking lot.

She wasn’t upset, she looked blank

I awkwardly sat in the car

And we were silent the entire ride home

**————————————————————————**

**Friday...again**

**————————————————————————**

**I**

Go to my locker

See you there

Try to hide my smile

Can feel my heart skip a beat

See you shyly wave at me

Wave back

Rush up to you before the second bell

Know you. 

See you run after the second bell everyday. You’re one of those goody goodies aren’t you?

Say, - _ hey _

**You**

Seem surprised I’m ready to speak

_ -Hi! Ah- how are you..doing? I haven’t really seen you all week. _

_ -I’m fine…  _ lie. I cried myself to sleep last night

_ -Good! So ah- what’s up..? _

_ -I have a new phone so um-  _ The second bell rings. Of course it does. 

Hurry and pack

_ -Yeah? Let me get your number! If- that’s- cool… sorry was that like...super aggressive or something? _

I giggle. I sound feminine. Ew

_ -Yeah just a little bit _

We share a laugh

_ -Should I give it to you later?  _ I continue  _ -Seems like you really want to get to class. _

_ -No it’s fine! I...usually just hurry up like this because I’m desperate to see this girl I think is cute… but- I don’t mind waiting here for a while… _

Get a softer voice when you say that. I like that. I know ‘the game’. You’re willing to talk to me, even if you don’t get enough time to talk to the girl you think is cute.

Let me put my number in your phone. This is happening for real, correct? This...isn’t a dream or anything?

Leave to go to class

Don’t run though. This time,

Walk slowly. Even though you’re late

**————————————————————————**

**We**

Text all day

Text through the rest of school

Text while I’m on the bus going home

Text as soon as I get home

Text when I eat dinner. My grandpa tells me to put my phone down for grace. I pretend to close my eyes but I read your texts instead.

Text as soon as I’m out the shower

Text as soon as you’re out the shower

Text as soon as you’re done brushing your teeth

Text all night 

**Then**

Kaito asks me who I’ve been texting all day

_ -Chill dude, your thumbs might fall off _

I chuckle and scoff, not even looking up from my phone

_ -I’ll be fine. And it’s none of your business _

He runs over and tries to grab my phone. He gets ahold of my phone and we roughhouse a bit

_ -G-Gimme!!! Cut it out, dude! _

_ -Wai- Wait! Let me see!! _

He places a hand on my head and I try to move forward and grab it, but my arms are too short to do much

_ -Ooooh, Shuichi?  _ He makes mocking kissing noises  _ -You got a thing for Sidekick, huh? Shit my little bro’s a player! _

_ -My god, we’re just talking- _

_-Ah-_ _Don’t say the lord’s name in vain_ _,_ he says making fun of Grandma. I don’t know why but I’m in the mood to laugh hard at that. I guess I’m just pretty pissed at her

_ -Shut up and give me my phoneeee! Don’t you have someone to text? You’re a senior, you should be like- worrying about prom or something - I don’t know!  _

_ -Well yeah, but I wanna see what my sweet lil brother’s up to~! _

I roll my eyes

**I look away for a moment**

And open up my drawer to pull out my charger

And say,  _ -just don’t text him or anything- K? _

_ -Whoops!  _ He chuckles

_ -You didn’t- Kaito!! What the-  _ I try to whisper more  _ -What the fuck?! _

_ -Look look! Look what I said! _

The text reads as follows:

_ S: Got any plans Saturday? _

_ “Me”: Yeah, if you’re down to sit on my face :P _

_ S: ..? _

_ “Me”: JK ITS KAITO LMAOOO go out with my brother I’m begging you. _

_ “Me”: pweaaase 🥺 _

My face burns hot.

_ -I hate you!  _ I whine, throwing a pillow on my face and groaning

_ Ding _

_ S: Dude I hate you 😂 _

_ -Shit! You guys got a lot in common, huh! Let me know how you get outta that one, bro! _

I snatch the phone from him before he tussles my hair. I push him away. He chuckles and leaves to call his girlfriend.

_ Me: I’m sorry he’s a dick _

_ S: No no, it’s fine lol _

_ Me: Saturday, I will not have you sitting on my face, but I will be out _

_ …  _ (the three dots must be pausing and going away then coming back and going away again—I try to look for an excuse)

_ Me: I have to go to my ant’s house. _

Lie

I have to go to my boyfriend’s place. It’s kinda like community service at this point. I don’t want to go, and I’m embarrassed to tell others I’m going

_ S: Awesome! I’m butt conscious anyways 😂 _

_ S: But actually, that kinda sucks lol. I was looking forward to seeing you this weekend or something. _

_ Me: i’m sorry. _

_ S: No it’s okay!!! We can FaceTime or something- maybe _

_ Me: Um she’s kind of a “no phones” type of person _

What? If he finds out I’m texting Shuichi he’ll squash him then me

_ S: I see.  _

_ Me: sorry… _

_ S: It’s cool! How about Sunday? _

_ Me: Sounds good! Unless something comes up… _

_ S: Kk! Lmk ❤️ _

_ …  _ (the three dots end in less than a minute)

_ S: Sorry!! I meant to type this: 👍 I hate my phone sometimes! _

_ Me: it’s ok❤️ _

_ Me: Oh sorry! I meant to type this: 💩  _ I respond, mocking him

_ S: Cool 😂 do you wanna call right now? _

_ Me: Of course! _

**We talk**

On the phone until 3 in the morning

About pretty much everything two awkward dorks would talk about.

And he brings up that show called Danganronpa. I’ve heard of it but never really tuned in. He says he loves the show and that he Instagram stalks Kyoko Kirigiri all the time. I laugh even though it’s kinda creepy

About the show some more. He tells me what the shows about, his favorite characters, and how he wants to be in it’s next upcoming season

Weird he’d want to participate in a show like that, but I can get behind it. Circle of life, right? So much destruction and violence is common here, in this world. I wonder how martians think. They’re probably more peaceful than we could ever even imagine 

**Still**

His talk about this killing game has me interested

I’d be lying if I didn’t say it intrigued me. I’d also be lying if I said that it didn’t make me cautious of him

I wonder what his plans with me are while we talk. I hope he’s not just talking to me so he can murder me.

I don’t mind, I want to die! I just really like him…

**————————————————————————**

**Saturday**

**————————————————————————**

**It’s raining**

How appropriate 

So I automatically frown

I like it! But my boyfriend doesn’t

I can’t leave him today—he won’t be in a good mood

**His hand**

Gropes me while I make him lunch

Squeezes my non-existent butt

Is as perverted as he is

Is a prick just like him

**I don’t like**

That I agreed to make him lunch

That whole housewife/husband lifestyle for me

Complying to certain roles based on dominance. It’s stupid. I don’t plan on working in the future—trust me! I’m not stable enough to keep working after I graduate, but I don’t wanna get my ‘hubby’ the paper and make him dinner or whatever. Why can’t we just order Dominos or Chinese food?

**Shuichi**

Texts me. I can’t help but answer almost immediately

Wants to hang out tomorrow, but he doesn’t know what he wants to do

Is labeled as “🍤” in my phone, just in case my boyfriend ever looks through it

…I really want to be with him…

**_-Who ya texting?_ **

He asks as he walks through the door

His low but vocal question startles me

_ -My brother. He just...wanted to know what time I was...c-coming home… _

_ -Tell him tomorrow. I want you to stay tonight. _

_ -I kinda just wanna go home...like sometime tonight _

_ -How come? What’d I do? _

_ -Nothing dude, just...I kind of like being home _

_ -You mean away from me, right? _

_ -I didn’t mean that. Why’re you putting words in my mouth?  _ I roll my eyes and fake a laugh. He frustrates me now

He holds me tight.

_ -Chill out. K? _

_ -... _

_ -Sorry. I just love being with you. Is that so bad _

_ -You don’t  _ _ love _ _ being with me. You love having sex with me and you love...making me miserable _

_ -‘S not true. _

_ -Then why do you talk to other people? I talked to one of the girls you’ve been texting. I don’t think friends put their tongues down each other’s throats. _

_ -She’s a fucking liar! _

_ -No! You are!! _

_ -Calm the fuck down, jeez!  _

_ -I don’t want to! I’m so fucking sick of being with you! I don’t know why I feel like I need you, when really I’m better off without you! _

_ -Shut up, you know that’s not true! Without me, you probably would’ve killed yourself already! Don’t think I don’t know your psycho ass! _

_ -You don’t know me. You don’t know shit. You’re just as fucking insane as I am. What kind of asshole abuses someone, threatens suicide constantly, and cheats on that same person at the end of the day?! You’re a fucking pathetic mess and I can’t stand even looking at you! _

He grabs my shoulders hard and tight. Yells in my face.

_ -Remember who the fuck you’re talking to- _

_ -I’m not scared of you anymore _

_ -Fuck off, yeah you are _

_ -You can’t hurt me _

_ -Watch me _

_ -Shut up! _

_ -KNOCK IT OFF! _

He throws me onto the couch. Hard. 

He gets on top of me and grabs my neck with his two big hands. I try to fight him off but it’s easier said than done.

It feels like he’s going to kill me. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe and fight back. Tears fill my eyes. I’m weak. I’m nothing

I try to kick, but before I know it my worlds going darker

I try to look for something. Anything

Damn my short arms

I grab the knife on the coffee table I used to cut his bread with. It’s closer to his side, the journey was a struggle. I slice the skin on his hand with it. It’s a deep cut

I’m lightheaded

He recoils in pain

_ -Bitch!  _ He winces and checks his hands, taking them off of my neck

I kick him off and scurry off of the couch. 

I’m on the floor. Choking. Coughing. Hacking. Spitting

I almost throw up, but my stomach is empty

And my throat is dry

**My**

Body feels sore

Body feels like it’s shutting down. I hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before

Throat hurts so bad

My heart hurts even more

**_-Go to hell_ **

**————————————————————————**

**On my walk home**

I see baby birds waddling behind their mom

I see lightning

I hear thunder

I count under the next time I hear it like they teach you in Kindergarten

My shoes are soaked and muddied

My clothes are drenched

It’s hard to see past the wet hair in my face

I don’t cry, but I feel like laying on the grass in the rain

I don’t exactly feel safe

I don’t exactly feel free

I see a squirrel looking for shelter

**I ring the doorbell to my house**

**Kaito answers it after a minute or two**

- **_Woah dude! What happened? How come you didn’t text me?_ **

I show him my dead phone

Tears start streaming down my face

I show him my neck marks

I bawl and press my face into his chest

He’s hesitant, but he holds me awkwardly. The intention is endearing however

**In my house**

I’m greeted by an unfamiliar face

She sits on  _ my  _ couch

Her hair is long

Her face tells me she’s constantly unimpressed 

_ -uh...hello… _

She doesn’t respond. She just raises her eyebrows as a greeting.

Her butt. Is on  _ my  _ couch. In  _ my  _ house

So what the hell’s up with her attitude?

_ -Ah yeah, that’s Harumaki _

_ -I told you to stop calling me that.  _ She snaps at him with her cheeks rosy. Her voice is flat and monotone

_ -Shit, my bad darlin! That’s my brother- _

_ -Why were you crying like that?  _ She knows it’s not her business to ask but she does anyways. I take a deep breath and smile between the tears

_ -...It’s nice to meet you Harumaki _

**————————————————————————**

**_-She seems nice_ **

_ -I know she may come off as like-… rude, but I really like her! She’s spunky. It’s cute _

_ -Right… _

_ -You gonna be okay? I kinda had plans to go to like a part with her- _

_ -It’s fine. Enjoy your party... _

_ -Dude, I can’t do that if you’re not okay right now. Grandma said I should like make sure you don’t like off yourself or something- well like- I know you wouldn’t do that, but like- _

_ -Is that why you started talking to me more? Because grandma told you to?! _

_ -N-No, it’s just I hadn’t...really noticed that you were- _

_ -I knew you didn’t care… and of course you didn’t notice. No one noticed I’ve been getting abused for like 7 fucking months?! No one noticed I’ve been slicing my wrists like paper for 3 years!? Does no one care how I feel or what I’m feeling as long as it doesn’t get them in trouble or something!? _

_ -Dude it’s okay- _

_ -No it’s not… Kaito… Why am I alive? I… I can’t do this anymore…  _

_ -What about like...Shuichi though…? _

_ -I don’t even care. Nothing can stop the pain I’m living in. Nothing but just stopping everything… _

_ -Have you… like- took your meds? _

_ -... _

_ -That… was a bad thing to ask, right? _

_ -Are we gonna go? Come on!  _ ‘Harumaki’ groans in the living room, seemingly not being able to hear our conversation

_ -Just go. It’s fine. _

_ -Dude… _

_ -Really, have fun.. _

_ -Do you want to come? _

_ -... _

_ -Right… Goodnight. I uh… I.. love you… _

_ -....love you...too… _

**I didn’t answer any of Shuichi’s texts after 5:30**

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? Did it make you cry :,/ I hope not. But if it did let me know and if it didn’t still let me now gahhh I’m excited but nervous.
> 
> If you want you can follow my Instagram I’m really considering posting art for this AU and this story in general AHHHH it’s @neddi.yo


	4. The Ragdoll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his school day is rudely interrupted by Mother Nature, Kokichi runs into Shuichi and cuts class with him. Subplot that leads into the next chapter is more about Kokichi’s cheerful older brother—through Kokichi’s eyes of course. (I would love to write through Kaito’s POV in another story soon though :,))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //TW read tags//
> 
> I’m sorry this one is so long, I lost track of the amount of words when I started writing more in school. Let me just say, writing the last half of this was... (>///<) PHEW! Annyywayyyss, hope you enjoy!

**Sunday, Midnight**

**————————————————————————**

**I’m not**

Reading Shuichi’s last few texts before he gave up. It’ll break my heart

Ready to face him

Ready to do anything yet

Answer his calls

Answering the questions like  _ “are you okay?”  _ And  _ “do you...feel like doing something you shouldn’t do?” _

Ready to answer  _ “hello?”  _

Ready to cry about it

**I hear**

Kaito drunkenly stumble in

Grandma scolding him

Kaito getting into a heated argument with her

It through the walls

Grandpa doing nothing. He’s downstairs. He’s always downstairs.

Him standing up for himself. What a king!

_ -Kaito. I thought you said you would be back by 11:30! What is this!? It’s 2 in the morning! _

_ -Dude. Chill  _ *hic*  _ it’s cool- I was just.. having fun and shit, I didn’t think it was gunna matter since yu always come home late too.. _

_ -..What?! Look at you, you’re so drunk! This isn’t like you! I thought you told me you didn’t drink at parties _

_ -Grandma- Gran- shhh. Ok? Listen it’s okay I got it under control dude _

_ -I’m not your “dude”. It’s ma’am _

_ -Oh okay, “it’s ma’am” _ , he says in a mocking tone. It’s hilarious actually

_ -Are you getting smart with me? Ugh! Go lay down. We’ll discuss this in the morning _

_ -I don’t have to- discuss nothin’ dude! Just like- go! Go ..get it! Do.. that.. what are you… waiting for man? _

_ -What in God's name are you talking about?! _

_ -“God” pshhh I’m sick-a hearin’ about this “God” dude! He died like a bajillion years ago!  _

_ -Watch your mouth! _

_ -God’s my bitch  _ he slurs. What the fuck is he even talking about at this point?

I hear a loud smack

**_-Get to bed. Now. You better explain all of this tomorrow. I’m done talking to you_ **

He doesn’t say anything in response

I don’t think I’ve ever heard him get hit before

It’s weird… he’s definitely put off by it

**He comes into the room**

And I pretend I’m asleep

_ -Kokichi! Pssst! Kokichiiiii _

_ -Yeah?  _ I groggily ask pretending he just woke me up

_ -Dude what’s like- wrong with Grandma? She’s flipping the fuck out  _ it almost sounds like he’s laughing about it, but also like he’s pissed

_ -What happened? _

_ -She fuckin’ slapped me...ian’ even do anything wrong _

_ -I..don’t know, man  _ I say trying to hold in a chuckle

_ -Hey- are you okay? I’m so sorry I didn’t know how to talk to you dude… I love you so much. I wish I knew how to like- make you feel better and shit, oh jeez _

_ -It’s..it’s okay _

_ -No no! You’re my favorite, dude. Your the best baby sister ever! _

.

.

Ow

_ -...right _

**————————————————————————**

**Sunday**

Uneventful

I don’t talk to Shuichi

I don’t talk to anyone

I don’t make up the hundreds of assignments I’m missing

**————————————————————————**

**Dreamworld**

**————————————————————————**

**I see**

You. Shuichi—that is

You wearing a white button up shirt

The outfit I’m in. It doesn’t make sense and I don’t how I could think of a random outfit like this for myself to wear

**I’m wearing**

A checker patterned bandana and a white outfit with buttons and pins

My binder underneath my clothes

Shoes I’ve never seen before. Purple and black…

**You**

Turn around and greet me

Open your arms. I run towards you, but I come to an abrupt halt

Put your arms down and stare blankly behind me. I turn around and see the biggest wave from a bloody of ocean towering over me

Watch it crash over me

Watch me drown

Do nothing

**Crows**

Fly out from behind you

Circle around the dark red sky

**I wake up**

Sweaty and confused

**————————————————————————**

**Monday**

**————————————————————————**

**I’m sitting**

All day

In Algebra II confused

In Literature dazed

In Chemistry aggravated

In History bored

In the cafeteria watching others eat

**I’m standing**

In art

_ -Oh- you got paint on your butt _ , an acquaintance of mine points out

There isn’t paint on the seat though. And we’re not working with paint today

The one day I decide to put these white jeans on

I look through my book bag. Nothing

_ -Shit _ , I say under my breath

I hate everything

I want to die

**I’m too embarrassed**

To ask for anything

To be caught buying one. I don’t have any coins anyways

To go into the girl’s bathroom

To leave from my seat

To go through the rest of the day

**I go to my locker**

I cry, because under my sweatshirt, I’m only wearing my binder

I wonder why I’m so stupid

I wonder why I so lazily got dressed

**Shuichi**

Comes up to me

_ -Are you okay? _

_ -Yeah! I’m fine, Shuichi! I’m sorry I didn’t text you, okay? _

_ -It’s fine. I don’t mind- I get it! But...why are you crying? _

_ -Nothing. It’s alright _

…

I assume the realization hits you in an uncomfortable way

_ -You can- borrow my uh- sweater if you want.. _

_ -Y-You can see it!? _

_ -...yes...? _

_ -Fuck, man! _

_ -It’s fine- nobody cares _

_ -You don’t know that _

_ -Here just- take my sweater, it’s cool.  _ I look at him, then grab his sweater and wrap it around my waist

I’m wearing two sweatshirts. How embarrassing

_ -thanks… _ , I mumble

nods and smiles

_ -Do you wanna skip next period? Maybe… go hang out? _

_ -Yeah _ , I try to hide a smile

Holds out his hand, and I take it

And I hold hands while walking down the street. My heart is on fire

_ -Where are we going anyway? _

_ -I don’t know… maybe we can go to the waterfront and look at the ducks?  _ I smile. I’ve been wanting to go outside for a while. Haven’t really gotten a reason to. Sunshine would do my pale, deadly skin some favors

_ -Wait, can we stop at this gas station? _ I want to buy….a maxi pad or two. Well I don’t want to, but I should

_ -Sure _

**I take two**

Out of the little metal machine, after putting 2 of Shuichi’s coins in

**I’m tired**

I hope I don’t pass out

I haven’t eaten in a day and a half

And hungry

I hope I don’t give in and eat the candy Shuichi places on the cashier’s counter

**The cashier looks at me funny**

What?

What do you want?

_ -It’s that cold outside? _ He asks probably referring to the multiple sweatshirts

I nod, without making eye contact

_ -Thanks _

_ -Yep. Tell your uncle I say “hi” _

Shuichi nods, smiles and we walk out

**_-Your uncle knows that guy?_ **

_ -Yeah. He’s kinda like a friend of his _

_ -How come he tried to talk to me? _

_ -Just being friendly, maybe?  _ He giggles  _ -He’s probably wondering why we’re not in school _

_ -Oh. Right.  _ Paranoid little bitch

_ -C’mon let's go! I got skittles and airheads _

**At the waterfront**

A lot goes down

I give in and eat candy with Shuichi

We see ducks and laugh at how cute they are

They green grass is beautiful

It’s freezing, but it’s sunny and gorgeous out

Shuichi and I unpack on many things

_ -So uh...how was your weekend? _

There’s something about this quiet serene place that makes me express what I’m feeling and open up

_ -It was awful actually...I um didn’t go to my ant’s house _

_ -Really? _

_ -Yeah. I’m sorry I lied to you. I didn’t want you to worry _

_ -Worry about what? _

_ -My boyf- ‘ex’-boyfriend  _

_ -You had a boyfriend? For how long? _

_ -7 months _

_ -Why would I worry about it? _

_ -He...sucked… like a lot. _

_ -Oh… is that where those bruises on your arm came from? And that mark on your neck? Jesus I never noticed how many marks there are on you until now _

_ -Christ- Shuichi! _

_ -Sorry… I know- none of my business. I just hate this game of cat and mouse _

_ -What do you mean? _

_ -Well- uhh everything is slow. I like it slow like this, but I wish you wouldn’t sort of ‘run’ when I try to walk towards you _

_ -I wish I wouldn’t either _

_ -Why don’t you take a stroll, then? _

I look at him. Why don’t I? Why do I approach life with fear? It’s a bad habit—no matter how confident I feel, I’m still scared to spread my wings and go places

_ -I’ll give it a try… _

I take a skittle from the bag. I press it against my lips for a moment then push it into my mouth. I chew, I swallow

We look away from each other awkwardly, until a baby duck follows his mom. Deja vu 

Shuichi giggles.  _ -Look at him! He’s so cute _

_ -Yeah he is _

_ -It reminds me of my mom and I when I was super little. I’d actually waddle just like that _

We share a laugh for a moment

_ -Where are we...you and I?  _ I don’t mean to ask it, but it quickly escapes my mouth

_ -I’m not really sure, but I wish I knew. I want us to be very close friends _

I rest my head on his shoulder.  _ -I want us to be closer friends _

_ -I want us to be even closer friends _

_ -I want us to be… _

_ -More than friends? _

It’s strange I just met you, but I want to be near you forever. I’m in love

I look up at him

He looks down at me

Before I know, our lips connect. Our eyes are shut. I drown in our kiss. 

It’s more than a peck

It’s more than a smooch

We keep at it for a short while

Your lips are so soft. Mine are dry but smooth

I try to fight back my approaching manic urges

I can’t fight them

I place my hand on his thigh. My hand rubs his thigh and moves to a place it shouldn’t be at in a park

My lips dominate his

_ -Mm- agh- Kokichi _ , he mumbles before breaking away from the kiss and trying to push me away a bit

_ -What _ , I sound breathless—desperate

_ -Your hand, your teeth, your...tongue _

_ -Was I bad? _

_ -No, just...fast _ , his face displays a concerned expression  _ -What’s… gotten into you? _

_ -Huh? _

_ -You just seem in a rush all of a sudden _

_ -You think I want to have sex with you, right?! That’s it? I…don’t! I’m not a slut...Right? _

_ -No! Definitely not! I just… I don’t want this to end soon… _

_ -Then kiss me again _

_ -That’s not what I mean… _

_ -Whatever, Shuichi _

I get up and walk off. The sun is setting now. It’s getting blue out. I haven’t even noticed how long we’ve been out here

_ -Kokichi! _ He hurries after me  _ -Kokichi would you STOP- walking away? _

_ -What do you care?! _

_ -I’m trying to make us… work and make us happy, but you’re just- starting to piss me off! Every chance we get you just… you just get rid of it _

_ -Don't you think I know that!? I know! I’m scared! I’m sorry! I just know I’ll never be enough, and you’ll never want me for more than a month. Then you’ll be- sick of me and torture me til I’m dead! That’s what everyone does! I’m not meant to be loved. I’m just a fucking rag doll _

_ -That’s not true! Kokichi, do you have any idea how special you are? You’re not like anyone else I’ve known. You’re so… cool and funny and passionate and- literally everything a person could want in a human. Everything I could want in a man. _

_ -huh? _

His hands cup my cheeks

_ -You’re like really fucking awesome! _

_ -I’m sorry. _

_ -Don’t be! _

_ -No- really… I just- I’m bipolar _

**Tonight**

We text again

We text for hours

We text, and I wish it goes on forever

I think about our kiss

I think about our first little argument

I think about how you consulted me and told me it doesn’t matter what circus is going on in my head

I think about how you make someone as unattractive and broken as me, look... cute?

You go to sleep at around 11. So I go to bed too

**————————————————————————**

**Tuesday Afternoon**

The feisty girl’s arms are locked around my brother’s

Kaito is on his phone all day. He seems quiet

I wonder if it’s from the altercation Grandma and he had

That girl never takes our bus home. They must be going home together

_ -Shit. I forgot I had to give bro like 5 bucks!  _ I guess he’s referring to one of the friends whose name he probably forgot at this point.

_ -‘Bro’s’ not his name, y’know.  _ She says sounding like she’s holding back a giggle. It’s almost like she  _ wants  _ to be nasty even though deep down she’s not

_ -Yeah, but that’s an easier name to remember for him. Be right back! _

_ -Ugh! Hurry back soon _

_ -Kk, babe! _

She blushes and looks down, messing with one of her two long ponytails

_ -What are you looking at? _

_ -You, of course!  _ I reply snarkily

_ -What happened the night I was at your place? Kaito was acting differently after he left your room… Did you tell him a rumor about me!?  _ She asks impulsively. Chill

_ -No. We were just talking about me… _

_ -Oh. I’m sorry… _

Huh- she says “ _ sorry _ ” interesting… My, my! What else can she say?

_ -It’s fine…  _

.

We stand awkwardly

.

_ -Did he seem stressed or something?  _ I follow it up

_ -I guess.. he was just drinking with his friends… like a lot. He pissed me off once he got drunk. I told one of his friends to call him a cab. I think they all got in and went to that guy’s house. I don’t know how Kaito got home though… _

_ -Shit… did… I do that? _

_ -I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.  _ She says sounding slightly irritated

_ -Yeah, my bad… _

Kaito arrives towards us, before our bus leaves

_ -Dudes wait up! I’m back _

_ -Ugh, finally _

_ -I keep you waiting, Harumaki? _

_ -...Shut up…  _ she mumbles smiling

Does my brother get pegged? Cause it’s lookin like that to me…

**————————————————————————**

**Wednesday Night**

**————————————————————————**

**I’m**

Having a panic attack

Crying

Not ready to be with someone new

Scared that Shuichi might want to be my boyfriend 

Terrified that I want to be his

Scared—I just got out of a shit relationship how the fuck am I supposed to just fall in love with someone like that?

Tired of thinking

Tired of breathing—I can’t breathe, never mind

In need of a nap

Taking one now

Dreaming

Falling

Having trouble getting back up. I need light. I need air. I need you. I shouldn’t need you though

A tramp. It’s only been a week and I’m chasing you

Head over heels for you

Losing my sanity

Losing my grip

Losing

Letting go

Ready

Not

Ready

Not. Stop saying you are

_ Stop it _

_ Stop it _

**_Stop_ **

**_It_ **

**_._ **

**I stay home Thursday**

I think I’ll write a song

I think I’ll bake some cookies

I think I’ll go to the store

I think I’ll end up sleeping in bed all day

Yep

So that’s what I’ll do

My periods’ short this month. Least there’s that

Soon I’ll be too thin and ill to have one

**It’s Saturday**

Friday was uneventful

I’m beginning to go mad

You weren’t at school yesterday. Are you alright

ANSWER ME. IT'S BEEN 4 MINUTES. 

I’m sorry

I’ll do anything you want me to

I want to show you what’s behind my chest’s prison. I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish it was just the way I want it to be. Flat. No puffiness or whatever

Come over and fuck me

Sorry

_ -Me: Hi _

_ -🍤: …  _ (still typing. Taking a while)

Those three dots go away

I wish I were dead

I wish I would just leave you alone

I bet you wish the same thing

**————————————————————————**

**I’m feeling**

Some things tonight

Bored

Like I want you here

Aroused

Uncomfortable. I’ve never tried it before. It always felt wrong after the smallest attempt. Kaito’s been in the shower for only five minutes. I may give it a try

Brave

My fingers. They don’t know what to do. I try what I like. What feels right to me

One inside

Goosebumps. I think of you

Better

Confident

So good

Too good

Like I don’t deserve it—something this good. But I push through. I push through the thoughts. I push through the dysphoria. It’s so hard, but I get by piece by piece 

Like I need you

Some type of spiritual awakening. I can’t describe it

My orgasm creeping up

Like it’s taking years to get here. I long for it

Incredible. I’m loud.

Terrified. I forgot there’s  _ supposed  _ to be that...feeling afterwards. For the first time I feel alive. No one has ever made me feel that way. Then it’s over. Then,

Disgusting

Fat

Ugly

Worthless

Like a whore

Worse than I did before

**————————————————————————**

**Tonight**

I dream about you

Well- actually it’s 3 when I fall asleep. Is it fair to call that ‘tonight’? I’m not sure

In my dream, we’re having sex. Graphic—I know

In my dream, you stop. I don’t feel you anymore. There’s blood everywhere. Even though my period is over

I’m still reminded of it. It’s unfair. Life is unfair. Life is pointless.

**————————————————————————**

**Sunday**

**————————————————————————**

**Putting a bullet through my head**

Would be nice

Would be quick

Would- hopefully end my life

Is something I think about a lot

Would be messy

Would be difficult. We don’t just run around with guns over here. Lucky, lucky Americans...almost-

**Shuichi. Just a few things**

  1. Am I annoying?
  2. Do I agitate you?
  3. Am I a rash to you?
  4. Do you wish I’d go away?
  5. Am I a burden?
  6. Are you as happy as I think you are?
  7. Are you depressed like me?
  8. What’s on your mind? 
  9. Would you cry if I died?
  10. Would _you_ die if I died?
  11. Where are you?
  12. Why won’t you answer your phone?
  13. I think I’m in love with you
  14. I think I love you
  15. I want to love you
  16. I don’t think I’m ready to
  17. I’m sorry. This is lengthy
  18. Kiss me again
  19. I did something last night… it was...heavy. I’ve never felt like that before. I thought of you the whole time. I’m not a virgin but I guess I was just a virgin with myself? I don’t know it doesn’t matter, you’ll never read this…
  20. Are you a virgin?
  21. If you ever read this somehow I’ll dig my grave
  22. Guess what though! It’s been two weeks since we first said “ _hi_ ”
  23. How are you?
  24. ?
  25. ?!
  26. !!



I crumple up the letter and throw it in the garbage.

When I come back to the room later that night, it’s gone

I’m panicking

**————————————————————————**

**_-🍤:_ ** **Has sent an image(4:13 a.m.)**

That image is the letter I threw in the garbage. If I’m still alive, why would the universe keep me here to torture me?

-🍤: A few answers:

A few answers:

_ 1\. No, you’re not annoying at all! _

2\. No you don’t agitate me

3\. Of course not! You’re pretty

4\. I wish you’d stay with me all the time

5\. You could never be a burden

6\. I’m not sure...how happy do you think I am?

7\. …

8\. I’m tired. And confused. (Was this letter really meant to be given to me? It was Kaito snooping around and trying to help you out?)

9\. I think I’m at the point where I would cry, yes

10\. Probably...but I don’t want to think about that

11\. In my bedroom now...making up work is a bitch. I’ve been busy all week and my moms’ been taking my phone so I can hurry up and finish. Sorry, hope you understand

12\. ^

13\. I don’t know what it’s like to be in love, but I think I might be… I don’t wanna rush. I want to hold you in my arms and sleep forever. I’m exhausted this might be jumbled. Kaito sent me a pic of this and I had to respond. I want you here for a long time, okay?

14\. I...wish you could. Whatever happened in the past...I want you to heal from it

15\. I want to treat you better than anyone ever has

16\. I don’t think you’re ready to love just yet either. I understand. I know it’s hard to want something that’s right there that you just can’t reach. It’s devastating. It’s frustrating.

17\. Don’t apologize. You need to express your feelings more. I can tell you’re bottled up by the way you speak when you’re panicked or angry.

18\. I feel creepy saying I want to again.. I want to discover a whole world out there with you. Kissing would be the bare minimum. Forgive me. I’m tired. This isn’t me I promise…

19\. I might be aware of what you’re implying… I’m flustered. I don’t know what to say. Now I know this wasn’t meant for me to read. I’m sorry. Don’t be too hard on Kaito—I don’t think he read the whole thing… He wouldn’t do that. We both know, right?

20\. “Are you a virgin?” That’s echoing in my head. I can hear you saying that. Both as a joke and seriously.. I don’t know if I should answer… I’ve never loved anyone—so that will probably give you an answer. Maybe it will,...I’m not really sure

21\. Please don’t. I like ‘Alive Kokichi’ lol

22\. I know. It’s all I thought about yesterday. Creepy, I know… were you nervous to talk to me? I was nervous. I thought you’d ignore me. It’s just- you’re much more attractive than you believe you are.

23\. I’m doing better since I read this. Kind of anxious though. This is private. I feel bad… maybe I shouldn’t send this text. I don’t think I will.. I’m tired though, forgive me if I do…

_ 24, 25, 26. I’m here. Don’t freak out. _

**————————————————————————**

**Monday morning- Winter break has officially begun**

**————————————————————————**

**_Me: Kaito. Come upstairs, please. I’m going to kick your ass :)_ **

_ Read: 11:15 a.m. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope enjoyed this! Again sorry it’s a bit long, I lost track but if you like it long like this, let me know! I might give you a few more like this if I can :)


	5. Life is My Oyster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaito’s way of life is interesting to Kokichi. He wants to try it. Also, Kokichi and Shuichi open up to each other about their most embarrassing moments in life.
> 
> //TW (read tags)//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y’all like this one. Sorry if there’s several errors in it. I find I’m in the best headspace when I’m writing in the daytime but I’m at school so it’s hard to multitask. Nevertheless I hope it came out awesome! I certainly like it :3  
> It’s definitely super long tho LOL

**If you’re my big brother,**

Why are you constantly trying to fix my life?

Why are you trying to help me, while being so unhelpful 

Why are you meddling in my life one day and not even noticing I’m home the next

What the hell are you doing getting involved in my relationships

Why don’t you leave me alone?

Why are you up my ass, dude!!???????

**_-Shit what’d I do?_ ** **He asks holding up his phone**

_ -What did you do? Are you fucking kidding me? You sent A PICTURE OF MY FUCKING LETTER THAT I THREW. IN. THE. TRASH!  _ I yell, while hitting him with the pillow beside me as hard as I can.

He grabs me

_ -Chill, chill! _

_ -“Chill”??? What?! How can I ‘chill’ my life’s over. Great job! I’m actually going to end my life now! Didn’t really have the right amount of motivation before, but surprisingly this is the ultimate nail in the coffin!  _ My face is red. I’ve never been so mad at him. Not even when he used to take his dinosaur toys from me when we were kids

_ -Kokichi. It’s not that big of a deal! Sometimes ya just gotta grow some balls and take care of the shit you want done! You like Sidekick, right? Well I helped out! He answered right? ...Right? He didn’t read it for like a long time… Do you need me to kick his ass for you? _

_ -No! God!!! Did you even read the entire note?! _

_ -No.. I read like- up until the “I think I love you part”- _

_ -LALALALALALA!!!! SHUT UP~!!! _

Kaito tries not to laugh as hard as he does. He knows I’m angry but he’s really not taking it seriously enough

- _ Okay, okay. Listen- _

_ -No! You listen! I don’t want you meddling in my life anymore! Why are you dead set on fixing me?! What the fuck dude? I don’t care about your relationship. Why bother caring about mine?! You didn’t help me last summer! You just...acted like that didn’t happen. _

_ -That’s- That’s why…  _

_ -No it’s not _

_ -Yeah it is! I don’t care what Grandma says okay?! I just said that because I didn’t want to bring that night up. Listen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for everyone to hang up on you like that _

_ -I can take care of myself _

_ -You’re right, you can. But talking to old people about.. gender is just- so fucking stupid. They don’t listen and they don’t want to try and understand. I just...I figured you’d be fine. I know it’s dumb to think that, but somehow it’s like everything just hit you at once. Kokichi...we just couldn’t get a break from it, man. It was like there was always something wrong. And the fucked up part is that- that’s not even your fault. I didn’t know what you were going through mentally. I sure as hell didn’t know about the abuse, or the cutting, or the thing you wear on your chest- I didn’t know any of it, okay? I’m sorry. I was too scared to help. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing- I didn’t want to make it worse. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how to make you happy… I wish it was just that easy. I wish mom could like figure it out or something I don’t- _

I sniffle

I hate crying in front of him. It makes me so uncomfortable.

_ -I know… I’m sorry..  _ I say with a quiet shaky voice  _ -I’m sorry… _

_ -But you don’t need to be _

_ -But I should be. I’m a mess. I didn’t mean to bring you into it _

_ -You’re not a mess. And you didn’t “bring me into it”. I’ve kinda been bringing myself into it. I just want to help you. I’m worried about you _

_ -... _

_ -You still gonna kick my ass? _

_ -I still kinda want to...but I won’t. You’d absolute destroy me. _

We chuckle

_ -You wanna like go somewhere together soon? I wanted a car for my birthday, but I don’t think I’m gonna get one.  _

_ -You’ll be 18 and car-less, huh? _

_ -Yep. Just gotta take that L though! Can’t cry over spilled milk, right? _

_ -How do you do it..? _

His arm wraps around my shoulder

We start walking

**————————————————————————**

**_-Sure, I’ve wanted to run away tons of times!_ **

He says before taking a sip of his hot cocoa. We’re at the boardwalk of the beach. The waters’ all frozen, but the staff sells hot chocolate in the Winter. Today’s colder than any other day. 

0°C

My fingers are blue, boney, and cold

I’m hungry. I don’t drink any cocoa 

_ -I never got past the neighbor’s lawn though _

I giggle. 

The topic is feeling trapped—like you wish to run away and be out of sight. Forever

I don’t think my idea of running away and Kaito’s idea of running away are the same exactly

_ -It’s kinda why I want a car, actually!  _ He continues - _ I kinda wanna live with my girlfriend! _

_ -That- doesn’t sound like a smart plan, but I can see where your coming from _

_ -Plan? Bro I have like no plan! _

_ -What happens when life isn’t all kittens and rainbows and ‘Harumaki’ is yelling at you to pay child support, then? _

_ -Dark, dude… I never really think about that stuff. Only the good shit, ya know? I don’t like the idea of life falling apart. The more you imagine a positive world for yourself, the easier it’ll be for you to live in it _

_ -...Yeah _

…

We don’t really know what to say after that.

_ -Again- sorry about the letter thing… What were you even trying to accomplish? _

_ -I just wanted to let out my feelings—somehow _

_ -Can’t you just like- talk to him? _

_ -No...it’s too difficult. If you saw everything in that letter, you’d wanna hide it too _

_ -Jeez, what’d you write about? Your secret gay relationship with Satan..or something? _

We laugh about it

_ -No, dumbass. It was just…surface level stuff… questions too _

_ -Hm.  _

_ -...Uh- anyways, how are Maki and you? _

_ -I’m on thin ice if I’m gonna be honest  _ he chuckles kind of wistfully

_ -How come? If you..don’t mind me asking _

_ -Ah that dumb party kinda put a wrench in it… but we just haven’t really been seeing eye to eye… _

_ -And you wanna move in with this girl…? _

_ -Course I do! I love her! Relationships take hard work and there’s always gonna be bumps in the road _

_ -But fighting about things isn’t right. You should never be with someone that you argue with. I hope that never happens with me and Shuichi.  _ I pause. DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

_ -Nah, there’s nothing wrong with having a few minor arguments. Hell- even big arguments happen every once in a while. You know relationships aren’t supposed to be perfect, right? That’d be boring _

_ -Sorry- _

_ -Stop apologizing, bro. It’s cool! You sound like you’re speaking from a place of spite though.. you should write that shit down _

_ -Write it down? _

_ -Yeah! Why do you think singers are famous? They write they’re shit down and people love it! _

_ -They get other—smarter people to write their lyrics though. Besides, I don’t think anyone should hear all the shit in my mind. I wouldn’t wish that on even my worst enemy _

Kaito stares blankly. He doesn’t know what to say. That, or he just wasn’t listening at all

_ -Sorry. Giving you that “edgy teenager” vibe am I? _

_ -I get it. You just wanna get your shit together first. Yeah? _

I nod.  _ -I think Shuichi’s kinda helping with that. When I was with...him-  _

I stop. I don’t want to get angry about it. Kaito places a hand on my back. 

_ -Hey, if you don’t wanna talk about that shit, you don’t have to. No pressure! _

_ -...K _

_ -Besides, if I even heard a little bit of what that fucker might’ve done to you, he wouldn’t hear the end of it  _ he chuckles

_ -I told you. I’m fine. I just want to forget he ever existed. I just wanna focus on the future _

_ -And ya know what, you’re entitled to! That’s how I get by anyways. Gotta do what you want! _

_ -What about people stopping you? _

_ -You let too many people limit you. Go nuts, the world's your oyster, as they say! _

Cheesy. But he’s right

**————————————————————————**

**Wednesday Evening**

**————————————————————————**

**At the table**

It’s my night to say grace

I hate this table

I hate this family

I hate god

.

.

Wow I’m in sort of bitchy mood today, huh?

_ -Ah..Please god get me out of the misery I’m in. Uh let Kaito get his new pair of shoes he’s been whining about. Please make Grandma stop forcing me to pray. And please make Grandpa animated for once.  _ Grandma slaps my hand.

_ -Say it right!  _ She whispers

_ -Right, right! Please help everyone live another day—cept for me if I have to keep praying at this table-, thanks Grandma _

Grandma’s face is scrunched up. She’s not happy

_ -What? I said grace _

_ -Yeah I thought it was lovely _ Kaito chimes in

If Grandpa’s asleep this’ll be full on anarchy! Hoping for the best

_ -Ugh! Bless your own damn food.  _ Grandma storms off

She never does that

For a moment I feel kinda sad

She does a lot

I feel like it’s not fair

I feel like a little asshole

**I walk down**

From the dining room

The hall

To her room

And find her in front of her vanity messing around with the things on the dresser

And give her open door a light knock

_ -What? _

_ -Sorry… _

She sighs and turns back around

_ -How come you never give Kaito crap for doing that? _

_ -Cause…you were like...my last hope _

_ -“Last hope”? What are you talking about?,  _ I ask. My butt now up on her other dresser

She takes off her glasses and rubs her temples

_-You were always supposed to be my shiny little granddaughter_ , she laughs looking reminiscent. _-I remember when your mom had you… you always looked like a little genius_

_ -Crazy that I’m not one… _

_ -No, you are. Well, you’re definitely brighter then Kaito- but don’t tell I said that—he’s very smart when he wants to be _

_ -Grandma? _

_ -Yeah? _

_ -How come you and Grandpa never talk? _

_ -We talk _

_ -You guys don’t sleep in the same bedroom _

_ -That doesn’t mean anything _

_ -It kinda does, doesn’t it? I mean- it should, in a small house like this one… _

_ -I don’t know. I guess sometimes people fall out of love _

_ -I know, but you guys have been together for like- a hundred years! _

_ -Watch it. _

_ -Sorry- I meant “11 years” _ I smile and batt my eyes. She laughs. Then she he has that reminiscent look again. I can’t describe it. It’s like when someone is looking back at the past. Missing the spark that used to be there, but kinda wanting to frown, because all the magic is dust

**She grabs the nail polish**

Next to her desk lamp

That looks like it hasn’t been touched in years. I certainly haven’t seen her wear nail polish like- ever

_ -Kokichi, what do you know about a partnership _

_ -You mean- a relationship, right? _

_ -No, I mean a partnership… _

_ -Well… not much actually _

_ -What about your boyfriend? How’s that going _

_ -Grandma that’s been over… _

_ -Really? You sure didn’t let me know _

_ -I didn’t want to make it a big deal _

_ -So what happened? You just weren’t feelin’ it? _

_ -No. He and I just weren’t compatible _

_ -And you figured that out almost a year later, right? _

_ -Yeah,...I guess. _

_ -So you must know what a lack of a partnership feels like. Tell me, was he putting in 50% _

_ -...no, he was..putting in like only 12% _

_ -Well that’s how I feel with Grandpa. That’s how I’ve been feeling for a very long time. The difference is, I didn’t leave. I guess I have too much on my mind to just walk away. I’m turning 67 soon, too… everything is just too late for me I guess _

_ -Too late? It’s never too late to leave an asshole!  _ I feel a little flame ignite in my heart. I get passionate about this, when really it’s none of my business

_ -Kokichi! _

_ -Sorry, I know- it’s just.. if someone told me it was too late to leave the man I thought I’d have to eventually marry—I’d probably feel like dying _

_ -I know… I guess I’m not as strong as a woman as you are _

_ -See, that’s where you lost me, _ standing up for myself is hard once. Standing up for my self multiple times is damn near impossible

_ -I know, you ‘want’ to be called a boy. Sorry _ , her apology doesn’t feel genuine. It feels like a sort of compromise she’s trying to live with

_ -I don’t need your apology if you’re not gonna mean it. _

_ -Kokichi, I don’t want to fight _

_ -Then why can’t you just accept me- _

_ -How about we just discuss it in the morning? _

_ -I don’t want to. How come you’ve been pushing me down for these last few years?! Here I am, trying to apologize for acting like a dick and you can’t even learn to get along with me? Why don’t you just live with who I am and get used to it?! _

_ -Because I’m scared! _

_ -Scared of what?! _

_ -Scared for your life! I’m not an idiot! I know what transgender is- you think I just cover my ears and close my eyes when I hear it?! _

_ -Honestly. Yeah _

_ -Well I don’t! I think about you every time. I think about how they get killed and tortured just for doing what they want _

_ -It’s not a matter of doing what you want though! It’s doing what you have to do! _

_ -Well excuse me for not understanding it! It’s like the whole world has gone mad in the last 20 years! _

_ -“Gone mad”?! _

_ -Yep! They walk around in their parades and hang those flags proudly over their heads. I want to cheer them on- but I can’t. _

_ -Why?! Just do it!! _

_ -He-...Your Grandfather helped me find God.. I could never- betray that for him. Before God I-...I was- let’s just say, making sins left and right _

_ -“Sins”? Who cares, it's your life! _

_ -But they were bad! I thought expressing my sexuality in that way wasn’t favorable to God after I met him. So..I got married to him, even though I didn’t love him. I used to watch them fight for their rights. They would walk the streets of my school, my job, my neighborhood—everywhere! And I stood for that. I thought I was a lesbian. _

_ -Hold on- you “thought” you were lesbian? Grandma. You are a lesbian. _

_ -No I’m not! Apologize for associating me with such sin! I was just dumb. I thought I knew what I wanted but, turns out I just needed to get with your Grandpa… _

_ -No, that’s wrong. He’s wrong. Gods wrong. Be gay. Who cares. _

_ -It’s not right to him- it’s not to God! That’s the end of it _

_ -You’re just gonna put yourself in a box? _

_ -I’m doing it for the best _

_ -So you’d rather spend the rest of your life suffering with an asshole you can’t stand, then be free and just stand for what you believe in? _

_ -I don’t believe in that nonsense anymore. I don’t know what I was thinking. I could’ve been killed! Religion was the better option _

_ -All religion does is divide people! _

_ -Shut up. Goodnight. I think you should rethink the choices you’re making. You’ll thank me later _

_ -No thanks Grandma. I’d rather be happy than trying to constantly please someone. Just because you’re older than me doesn’t mean you know what’s better for me. Sometimes you die for what you believe in. If you can’t see that, I can’t help you. _

I shut the door and walk to the bathroom. I’m getting ready for bed. Goodnight

**————————————————————————**

**Tonight**

We FaceTime after I get out of the shower

You let me vent about my day

I tell you how it seems like everyday is just a bad day

You give your condolences and some life tips

Nice to know you care- well I think you do

_ -Sounds like a lesbian situation to me. It’s funny to think that grandparents can be gay. I don’t know why...it just is,  _ he states, referring to the conversation Grandma and I had

_ -Is it their old wrinkly skin that’s funny to you? The way the kinda have the shakes when they do everything _

_ -Kinda, but that’s actually kinda creepy now that I think about it. Like shit- they’re gonna die soon _

_ -Dude! _

_ -Sorry, sorry! It’s just..old people are funny—but they also give me anxiety _

We laugh at how much that statement makes no sense whatsoever

_ -Moving away from the whole old people subject… everything else today was pretty mediocre _

_ -I’m gonna have to agree with you on that _

_ -What happened?  _ It comes out sounding desperate. Like “ _ tell me what’s wrong, my sweet prince _ ” BLECHHH

_ -Well, we’re supposed to be getting new uniforms when we come back, and I don’t think I want to keep wearing one. _

_ -You’re already thinking about school?! Break just started. Please don’t bring up hell, I don’t like talking about when away from it _

He chuckles. 

_ -Sorry! It’s just I’m stressing about work too, so.. _

_ -I get it. I don’t even wear mine _

_ -I’ve noticed. What’s up with that, anyways? Don’t they like- yell at you? _

_ -Nah they’ve just been giving me penalties. I have been suspended a couple of times though. The amount of times I rebel is crazy. Surprisingly, my grandparents aren’t up my ass about that.  _ “ _ The amount of times I rebel is crazy _ ”. Did you think that was cool? Do you think Shuichi’s gonna be all over a macho guy like yourself? 

_ -They seem pretty laid back _

_ -Yeah, just as long as I don’t “disrespect god”!! Which is kinda my whole life’s purpose _

_ -You live to disrespect God? _

_ -I’m trans and gay. Living is disrespecting “God” _

_ -I see _ he giggles

_ -And the uniform thing? It’s just that those assholes gave me a girl one, so I don’t wear it. I requested to have it changed, but that email was sent through technology, so they always make the excuse that they never got it because those lazy bastards don’t wanna get up and give me a new one _

_ -Can’t you just send another one? _

_ -I tried that _

_ -Did you try sending another one after that? _

_ -Shuichi- you’re too passive. If I do that they’ll obviously never respond. So I just rebel _

_ -Well, the more you ‘rebel’, the more it ruins your resumé. _

_ -I don’t plan on going to college… _

_ -Really? What do you think you’re gonna do? _

_ -I don’t know, but that Danganronpa idea sounds cool—even though I’ve never seen it… I figure I’ll just do what you do and get money from being famous- I’ll be an influencer of sorts! _

_ -Well that certainly is the easy way out _

_ -Yep! _

_ -What if that fails? _

_ -I’ll probably live with Kaito, I don’t know _

_ -Sounds like you don’t really have a plan _

_ -You sound pretty uptight _

_ -I’m not! I just..want the best for you, that’s all _

_ -M’kay… _

…

_ -You wanna go out tomorrow? _

_ -Fine _

_ -...”Fine”? Doesn’t sound like you really want to _

_ -I don’t know, I guess I’m weird _

_ -Kokichi. What’s bothering you? _

_ -I’m just trying to do this whole “Life is your oyster” type of thing that Kaito does to get by everyday. It’s hard. It’s like he lives the life of a loser and still gets by somehow. I told him he should just be an Astronaut or an Astrologist. He said he’d love to, but he doesn’t wanna go to school for it. Can’t say I blame him... _

_ -Yeah… my dad told me school isn’t for everyone. They offered to pay for my college though, so that’s nice _

_ -Your parents seem awesome. Can I live with you? _

He laughs. It sounds like a joke, I know. 

It’s not though. 

I mean it. 

I hate it here

_ -My moms crazy about cleaning—I don’t think you’d wanna live here _

_ -Maybe I just wanna live with you _

_ -That sounds like it’d be nice! _

_ -It does..but I’d feel bad. I probably wouldn’t put in the 50% I should _

**————————————————————————**

**We**

Keep talking

Talk about embarrassing stories. He tells me about how he got an erection during Science in Middle school, I tell him about how I once had to wear my old girl underwear because my boxers were in the wash. I lie through. That’s not my most embarrassing story. It’s just the most embarrassing one I should tell him. He knows that’s not the most embarrassing story I have. I crack

_ -Fine, okay… it’s just- it’s super uncomfortable and I don’t like to talk about it. But- I’ll tell you since you told me yours, “boner boy”  _ Haha

_ -“Shh!!!! Don’t say it out loud like that, jeez!!!”,  _ his face turns bright red. It’s so cute

_ -My bad,...cutie!  _ He covers his face. I don’t know why I said that, but it went over well

_ -I guess my most embarrassing story would have to be when I walked around with a sticky note on my back that said “I’m trans. Ask me if I have a”...thing  _

_ -Thing? _

_ -Yes. A vagina, Shuichi _

_ -Oh-Oh! Right- sorry. But that’s awful! Who did that? Do you know? _

_ -Just some girl I don’t like… so many guys asked me that… even after that day. Even still... every once in a while _

_ -Well when was that? _

_ -Two years ago _

_ -Shit… people..really fucking suck _

_ -Yeah! They do… _

_ -A killing game doesn’t sound so bad, huh? _

_ -Totally doesn’t. Even if I die, at least it’ll all be over _

_ -Yeah- but don’t go looking for death, okay? We’ll win it together! _

_ -Right… I wanna watch it with you,  _ I smile. Shuichi smiles back

_ -I’d like that! Maybe we can make popcorn, too! And bake sweets- and cuddle _

_ -You have a very childish outlook on relationships, don’t you? _

_ -Sorry.. _

_ -Don’t be, it’s cute! _

_ -R-Really? _

_ -Yeah, dude _

_ -...Cool _

Fall asleep together on call

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what ya think! The thing about Grandma is cray-cray ain’t it? And I can’t wait to write Kokichi and Shuichi’s date HNNFFFGGG :,D


	6. The 50/50 Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW read tags//
> 
> Shuichi and Kokichi have their first real date. Kokichi has to try and battle the demons in his head so he can get to what he wants the most!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry I had writers block for the last couple of days and it was a hefty weekend so I had difficulty paying attention! I hope you like this one, I definitely have high hopes for the next though and I absolutely can’t wait to write it!!! (Don’t worry it’s a part two to this chapter)  
> Hope you enjoy! Please excuse any typos, it’s 1 in the morning as I just finished this and I’m actually going insane :)

**Thursday**

**————————————————————————**

**I’m nervous**

This isn’t technically my first date with Shuichi, but I’m still practically shitting myself in anticipation. Wait- what?

Because I don’t wanna do something wrong

Because I don’t want to make you hate me. Somehow

But I’ll go anyways

**Kaito**

Wants to give me pep talk or something

Wants to help get me ready

_ -It’s the least I can do! Even though I sorta helped you get this date!,  _ he playfully chuckles. I give a short breath through my nose, a disguised laugh. Again, I’m nervous—I can’t think straight

Is being kind of a sweetheart, nonetheless

Has me take a look at his various selection of “sexy douche” cologne. I take a whiff of one of the fancy bottles and cringe

_ -Nice ain’t it?  _ He asks

_ -It smells like an argument _

_ -The hell does that even mean? _

_ -I don’t know… don’t bitchy dudes wear this kind of cologne when they're fighting their wives? _

_ -Dude- shut up! Look, you don’t need to smell fancy or whatever, what’ll really excite him is the reach around move _

_ -That’s so stupid. And cliche. And definitely not going to work _

_ -Nah man, trust me just this once! Once you do that, he’ll come cuddling like a cat. Then- next thing ya know, BAM you two are making out! _

- _ “Bam”? _

_ -BAM _

**————————————————————————**

**5:00 pm**

I arrive at your house

I’m on your doorstep

You answer almost immediately, like you’ve been expecting me—of course you have though.. shit that was stupid- sorry

You greet me with a warm smile 

_ -Oh hey! I just set up the living room- please don’t touch anything… if that’s okay _

_ -“If that’s okay”? It’s your house. Tell me what to do _

_ -Uh- right. My bad _

I walk in

Your dog runs circles around me. Your dog’s clawed paws scrape my leg a bit—though it’s not as painful as it sounds. I jump up, feeling startled

_ -Sorry! Potechi! Knock it off, _ you grab one of the toys from the box next to your dog’s little bed. Once the dog has your attention you throw it into the hallway and the dog disappears into a dark lit room

_ -She’s really crazy about new people _ , you continue

_ -Seems like you both have a lot in common _

_ -Stop,  _ you whine and giggle playfully

**I get**

A text from Grandma

A text that reads

_ -Grandma: Where are you? _

_ -Grandma: Hello? _

_ -Grandma: Hon, answer me. _

The text, roll my eyes and sigh

_ -Me: I’m at my friend’s house  _

_ -Grandma: You didn’t tell me this. When did you leave? _

_ -Me: I don’t know like 4:30 or 4:45?? Did you not hear me leave? If you didn’t, I can’t imagine why you’re asking me like you’re worried _

_ -Grandma: Baby I’m always worried about you!! When are you coming home, I need to know _

_ -Me: I don’t know probably like tomorrow _

_ -Grandma: Tomorrow!? Fine. What time? _

_ -Me: 6 _

_ -Grandma: pm?! _

_ -Me: Yep. 6 pm _

**Look**

I know this is probably one of my worst ideas

I know there’s no way Shuichi isn’t gonna get sick of me after 9 tonight

I know this isn’t gonna work

I know I’ll have nowhere to go after he politely kicks me out

I don’t know what I’m thinking either. We aren’t even a couple. We aren’t even “best friends”

_ -Grandma: no sex. _

_ -Me: Grandma it’s just a friend 😠!!! _

_ -Grandma: I know… I just want something good to happen for you ❤️ _

_ -Me:... _

_ -Me: I’ll be fine _

**_-Who’re you texting?_ **

The question sounds innocent enough, but it still rings in my head. PTSD? No, that’s stupid I’ve never been through any real trauma. I’m just being a little bitch, right?

_ -Just my grandma… Um do you mind if I stay til 6...tomorrow? _

Shuichi looks perplexed, but welcoming

_ -I suppose if everything sails smoothly with my parents! Sure, why not? _

I can’t help but smile a little

**————————————————————————**

**I set**

My eyes on his bedroom. His bedroom is covered head to toe in Danganronpa merch and other edgy anime crap. I look and admire the emo band posters he has on his wall, as well. Takes guts to display such geek-ery

Shuichi’s dog comes running in and climbing on me once I again

_ -Potechi!  _ He starts

_ -It’s fine. I don’t mind...I’ve never had a dog though. What’s it like?  _ I begin to pet the golden dog’s soft fur.

_ -It’s a big responsibility! Lots of cleaning up after and stuff like that. Then you gotta make sure she stays alive too and that can be a handful when you’ve got an adventurous ‘doggo’ like her! She’s been giving us love for over 5 years though, so I can’t complain much! _

I smile. Again, huh

_ -That’s nice. Where are your parents? Uh- actually, where is everyone? _

_ -My parents set up their own little date night, hehe. They probably won’t be back till tomorrow morning. They’re like that sometimes. I like being home alone though! Well- not alone actually, my uncles in his room in the attic. But for the most part we’re alone! He doesn’t really come down for much _

_ -Sounds easy _

_ -Well sure it does! But nothings easy _

_ -right… _

I look down at the oversized “ _ Scream _ ” shirt sprawled on his bed. I want to wear it to bed tonight. 

_ -Shuichi  _ I continue,  _ -where should I sleep? _

_ -You can sleep in here! Or you can sleep on the couch, in my bed, on the floor in the living room—it’s really up to you _

_ -In your bed? _

_ -Yeah. But I’ll be sleeping on the floor! I-I didn’t mean we were gonna sleep together or anything weird like that- _

_ -Aw, I was hoping I’d have a cuddle buddy tonight.  _ I joke with puppy dog eyes

_ -O-Oh. Well I mean, if you think you’ll get scared I can sleep with you _

My face gets hot

_ -I was just kidding dude, jeez  _ I force a nonchalant laugh

_ -Oh, I’m sorry! _

_ -It’s okay. Don’t worry. If you get scared I’ll be your ‘cuddle buddy’,  _ I tease

Shuichi tries his best to hide his face from me without drawing too much attention to the action

Shuichi pulls out his phone

**_-Woah- it starts in 5! I got the snacks, try to hurry!_ **

_ -K _

I take these last few minutes to look around his room. Invasion of privacy, I know—but can you blame me? He’s such a peculiar boy

I look on his nightstand and find a picture of him and his mother. It’s sweet. It’s cute. I wish I had one

I look around hoping to find something that’ll stand out to me though

Nothing but K-pop albums and mystery novels in his bookshelf

Well- so I thought

**_“Communication Skills—for Dummies”_ **

I could use a book like that

A book like this would also explain why the boy’s such a rambler. 

It’s okay Shuichi

I’m awkward too

_ -Ahhh!! It’s starting!! _

I hear him yell from the living room. I put the book down and rush into the living room

**————————————————————————**

**Danganronpa**

This is it, huh?

Is just a show with a bear and high school students

Oh- what a twist blood is everywhere

Sounds interesting enough when you hear about it, but watching it is… actually pretty depressing

Is a show where you get emotionally attached to eye-catching loud characters, only to watch them get brutally murdered by the person they thought was their friend—and you thought was innocent

Has cool class trials though! I wouldn’t say I’m very into law and stuff like that, but the way they debate with each other and try to make the “blackened” crack is pretty engaging.

Isn’t bad… Shuichi loves it though. He tugs on my arm and spoils it for me every second. During the commercial breaks he frantically apologizes. I don’t care though. I’m just here for the date

**_-That episode was awesome, huh?! I realllllyyy can’t wait to audition for it in the fall_ **

_ -Right, yeah…  _

_ -Are you having fun? Do you… like the cookies I made? Sorry- they’re pretty burnt, I thought they would be done once they were brown like that _

_ -It’s fine, everything’s fine  _

Shuichi’s sweet smile turns to a blank expression. Well, not exactly blank. He looks like he wants to frown with concern but he doesn’t have the heart to draw this uncomfortable exchange out any longer

I have this way about me

When I’m truly content I don’t sound like I am. I sound like I’m not excited, or like I want the night to end. I can’t help it. I don’t try to sound like a dick but I guess I just do…

_ -Sorry, do I...sound weird? _

_ -Weird? What do you mean? _

He knows exactly what I mean but he doesn’t want me to know he knows

_ -I’m happy. I’m having a good time. In fact, I haven’t felt this good in a really long time… thanks for letting me stay here, Shuichi. I...appreciate it _

Shuichi grins

_ -Really!? That’s awesome! Shit- I have to go get the popcorn out the microwave. Won’t be long, but tell me when it comes back on!! _

He says before leaving the room

**I**

take out my phone

see a text from Kaito from about an hour and a half ago

_ -“How’s it going?! Y’all smooch yet? If you did eww dude!! But like also good job” _

respond to the message

_ -“No, we did not “smooch” yet. We’re watching tv. He keeps making stuff, it’s actually really nice”. He responds minutes after _

_ -“Tell me about the SMOOOCHHH no homo” _

_ -“😑” _

_ -“🤷♂️” _

**Shuichi**

Enters the room with a bag of popcorn and two sodas. Wow that’s like 3 snacks now

_ -Yay...more food _ , I say sarcastically. I have the strongest urge to eat it. I don’t want to though. I don’t want to give myself a treat I don’t deserve. It’ll become

**A Binge**

Is when I’m the most depressed

Is when I eat so much fucking food I throw it all up(in the toilet, of course)

Is when I feel like my weight exceeds over 100

Is not good

Is the worst thing that can ever happen to me. Especially on such a lovely day like this one

...Oh am I terrified of a binge

Is when-  _ -Have at it! _

…

_ -K _

**At 7:40**

I’m feeling at my lowest point

I’ve already consumed 6 cookies, half a bag of popcorn, and ran through 2 and a half sodas. I’m not even hungry anymore

I feel like shit

I want to kill myself

I’m thinking about doing it in his closet or something 

_ -You okay? You don’t...look so good. Well like- you always look great! But right now- _

_ -Shuichi...stop...talking _

_ -ok… _

I begin to sound more defensive

_ -I’m fine! I just haven’t eaten this much junk food in a while this fast! It’s okay! _

_ -Okay _

My stomach rumbles

I feel disgusting

Because I have to puke

I get up and stumble to the bathroom. He calls my name but I can’t really hear

I put my head in the toilet and barf. The door isn’t even closed. I’m loud. I’m gross. I hate myself. Shuichi probably hates me too

**My head**

Feels dizzy

Is pounding

Is in a toilet

Is screaming at me

Is telling me I shouldn’t have done that

I hear a knock on the open door. No point in doing it, but I appreciate the gesture

**_-Are you okay?_ **

_ -I don’t look okay, so why bother asking?  _ I hiccup

_ -You know what I mean…  _

I do

He comes closer

_ -Stand back, I’m heavily armed _ , I say monotone and cynically

Shuichi chuckles lightly and sits at the edge of the tub. From there, he puts his hand on my back

_ -Do you want me to call Kaito or your Grandma- _

_ -No! It’s okay! _

_ -Okay… we’ll if you want to go home at any time, just let me know, ok? _

_ -K _

_ -Sorry, I shouldn’t have made all that food _

_ -It’s not your fault, I’m just gross. I don’t even know why I bothered trying to act like a normal person _

_ -“normal person”? What do you mean? _

_ -I’m fat, I’m awkward, I’m sweaty, I have no self control, I’m practically subhuman- oh and I’m dying from the inside out! _

_ -That’s not true! I mean, your hands are a little sweaty, but I think it’s cute! Why do you have this vicious image of yourself? _

_ -I don’t know… I just do _

_ -Well, I know this might not reach you, but I think you’re just going through a lot and you keep listening to all the bs that’s flying around in your head. You should just tell every voice in there to ‘shut the hell up’ _

_ -I don’t think it’s that easy _

_ -I know...but I wish it was! I mean, you’ve convinced yourself that you’re overweight despite you being the skinniest person I know! _

_ -You don’t need to lie to me like that, Shuichi _

_ -But it’s true _

_ -Nuh-uh!  _ I get up and wipe my chin with my sleeve.  _ -See! Look _

I get up on the scale next to the bathroom door. Dear god, he’s going to see how much I really weigh. Maybe I should’ve thought this through.

Last time I weighed myself I came out as 37.8 kg. I remember it being a big accomplishment, because I surpassed a BMI of 15. Probably not so great that I just binged now though

I look down in fear but anticipation

The scale reads:  _ “36.9 kg”  _ still fat, but somehow improving. Not to say that weight  _ isn’t  _ deadly. I just still look awful…

Shuichi takes a glance at the number. His face displays concern, then he looks up at me

I quickly step off and turn away from him

_ -Maybe all that food was good then?  _ He mumbles awkwardly

_ -Shuichi it’s not like that  _ I start to tear up. I don’t know why. 

We’re silent for a moment. You realize your mistake

**Shuichi**

When I’m around you it’s so much easier to express how I feel. I don’t know how or why

Reaches his hand out like he wants to grab me, but he recoils. I can see it from the corner of my eye

Says he’s sorry. He says it’s a lot actually. It feels genuine, but it hurts too much to say “ _ it’s okay” _

_ -You’re so sweet but-  _ I start  _ -I’m way too much, aren’t I? _

_ -No! Of course not! We can get through this together! _

_ -...Promise? _

_ -Promise! _

You’re too kind

Our relationship is like you taking in a helpless puppy who's already been left by its mother, abused by it’s past owner, and on top of that hit by a car. 

It feels like any normal person would give up on trying to make such a helpless creature stay happy, but you...you do everything in your power to make us work

I admire you

I wish I could be more like you. It’s too hard to try though

**You**

Stand up and walk towards me

Grab my hand. This is the second time you’ve done this, right?

Let go of my hand though. I turn around ready to question it, but your hand cups my cheek and you kiss me. After I just puked? Gross, don’t you think?

Don’t mind though. Or it at least doesn’t matter to you. Even sweeter

Get into it this time, rather than me. I wrap my arms around you and embrace in it

**We stop**

But I wish it’d keep going. I’m honestly sick of running from you

And I feel almost lightheaded

But I try to kiss you more. You latch onto me but break away, like there’s something wrong

_ -Shuichi... _ it comes out as a moan, but I wish it didn’t. You place a hand on my arm

_ -I wanna...take this slow _

_ -How slow do you wanna take it?  _ I blurt out. It sounds angry and desperate. Why do I always sound so desperate around you?

_ -I know… I just want to get to know you better. Like- what would we even had done if we kept kissing? _

_ -...I could’ve taken care of that thing on the list… , _ why did I say that? Was that meant to be flirting? It sounded so lewd and stupid and I hate it

He scratches his head  _ -I was wondering when we’d bring that up… _

_ -Don’t you wonder what it’s like though? , _ I keep bringing it up! Even though he’s trying to change the subject!? What??!!! Creepy!!! Abort the mission, dude!!

_ -Uh- of course I do… look, even if I was...there, kissing in a bathroom that smells like puke isn’t exactly the most romantic scenario I’d wanna be in _

_ -Sorry I puked...and ‘you’ kissed me _

_ -Right… I don’t know what I was thinking… I’ve got a lot on my mind right now _

_ -I made it worse, huh? _

_ -No. Why would you say that? You’re fine. _

_ -K _

Shuichi looks upset now. At first, I think it’s at me—but I realize he might be angry at himself by the way he groans and holds his head, disheveled

_ -I’m so stupid _

_ -Huh? That’s my line _

_ -I’m serious! I have a charming guy that’s willing to go places with me that I haven’t been before and I’m just- fucking it up! _

_ -Believe me, I’m not “charming”, and you’re not fucking it up! I’ll wait thousands of years if I have to, Shuichi!  _

_ -Why, though? I don’t understand that _

_ -It’s cause I love you- or something… dummy… _

_ -You do? _

_ -Well- I don’t really know for sure yet, but I have that feeling! It’s weird I know, but I can’t explain why I feel the way I do. You do shit to me, man… _

_ -... _

_ -Well… do you feel the same? _

_ -Of course I do. I think about you like 24/7. But I don’t know what to do _

_ -What do you mean? _

_ -I don’t know.. I guess I’m just a bit scared _

_ -Scared of what? _

_ -Scared of disappointing you..? I’m not sure _

_ -How could you disappoint me though? _

_ -I don’t know. I just wanna be that nurturing type of guy, ya know? I wanna care for you and have you look up to me I guess _

That’s so weird. But...nice. I can’t imagine why he would stress out about it that much though

_ -You already do though, no? _

_ -I guess… but I have my own demons. I don’t want you to ever feel like you need to take care of me! _

_ -That’s stupid _

_ -I know… _

_ -No like for real! It’s 50/50 Shuichi! I take care of you, you take care of me, we die ‘boo hoo’! I’m not gonna let this partnership be 95/5! That’s not fair!  _

_ -‘Partnership’? _

_ -Well...yeah! Fuck it! If you’re in, I’m in! Right? _ , I think that was the most ballsy thing I’ve ever said

_ -Y-Yeah! Right! I guess it is a partnership… _ , Shuichi smiles.  _ -I...Love you too, Kokichi! _

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? Share your thoughts! I really hope you did! I hope this one wasn’t too weak I definitely didn’t feel like I gave it my ultimate best(though I still enjoyed writing it), but I’ll totally make up for it in the next so look out for that one!!


	7. ‘Stocked in’ Syndrome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW Stockholm Syndrome, mentions of suicide, suicidal themes. Read tags. Please//
> 
> The night of Kokichi and Shuichi’s first real date is turning out better than Kokichi expected—minus the few rocky roads they’ve hit. The morning...the morning’s not too great

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //TW read tags//
> 
> Chapter 7! Woot woot! Enjoy. I’m feeling awful today. Gloomy, exhausted, and just a spoonful of dysphoria let’s get it homies.  
> Hope you enjoy. This is written from the heart, I’m kinda scared to put this one out

**Friday 12 am**

**————————————————————————**

**You will**

Never Never Never

Be Succeed Be

Enough Happy

**————————————————————————**

**We’re**

Playing “ _Never Have I Ever”._ I don’t remember how, but we are. Sounds a lot better than gossiping about people we don’t like

Sitting on his bed now

Done watching tv and eating food, especially after my little party in the bathroom

Up for pretty long. I’d expect myself to fall asleep. Especially after the day I’ve had

Just talking though. I prefer it

**You**

Ask me if I’ve ever been in a fight with anyone at school

_-Woah we’re in dangerous territory! You’re asking the “hard hitting” questions_

_-Come onnn, just tell me_ , he laughs

_-Okay, okay. No, I’m a bitch duhh_

_-Well that doesn’t really mean anything_

_-What. Have you?_

_-...Maybe_

_-“Maybe”? Huh!? Shuichi’s a bad boy?,_ I mock

 _-No no! It was in third grade! This kid took my book and put his tongue on it and that...really pissed me off_ , he sounds embarrassed when he tells the story. Like he’s told it before and someone made fun of him because of it

I pile onto that embarrassment like an asshole

_-Shuichi you remember shit like that?_

_-Well- kinda. I remember my mom being super upset about it. I’m kind of a wimp now though_

_-Eh, I think you could punch someone good if you really got mad about it_

_-Jeez, I hope I’d never have to!_

_-What would possess you to do a thing like that?_

_-I don’t know…maybe if like- someone hurt you? Or something I really like_

_-I see. Would you punch me in the face?_

_-No never! Why? Would you?_

_-If you really did something to deserve it_

Look at me awkwardly—like that raised some red flags

 _-I’m kidding!_ I laugh, _-Wow you really believed me there, huh_

_-I-I don’t know! Don’t play with me like that_

_-Sorry, sorry! Ah you’re pretty gullible_ , I snicker 

_-I’m not though! Forgive me for believing someone I trust heavily,_ he chuckles

_-You trust me? Already? I thought you became my boyfriend like 2 hours ago_

_-Yeah, but I trusted you before that… I don’t know, you’re just so simple to talk to. Well- you definitely aren’t, but I feel like it'd be easy to come to you if something was bugging me. Especially now that you said that “50/50” thing_

_-Aww Shumai!_ I gush satirically

_-Is that my nickname?_

_-Yep! Don’t question it!_

Smile, with that, and get up

 _-I’m gonna get some whipped cream. ‘You want any?_ Damn you can eat and put it away, huh. Again. I seriously envy you!

I shake my head

_-Ok. Well whenever you want something let me know_

How does he eat and not even worry about it? It’s so...hard for me to do

**I guess**

That’s just one of the many things I’m struggling with. Trying not to slit my wrists like a madman everytime I eat the littlest bit of food

He’s never had those kind of thoughts

It’s just me

I’m just fucking nuts

 _-Uh-_ , I quietly mutter as soon as he turns the corner. I want to ask him for food, but I don’t deserve any—especially after that binge I just had

There’s no helping me

**You**

Come back with your whipped cream

Also bring back a Cosmic Brownie

Eat it like a happy young child. I hate 

For it

It’s not fair.

That should be me

I’m fat

I’m jealous 

I’m nothing

I’m manic now

I’m sorry

**I**

Twiddle my thumbs frantically as I watch you eat

Scratch at the skin of my hands hard and deep it feels like I might rip it

Need to eat and carry the same “happy” energy you’re carrying

_-I want food_

_-Oh. I can get you some, then_

_-..._

Shuichi looks at me awkwardly. _-What should I get you?_

_-I don’t know, I hate food- why are you asking me!?_

_-You just said…_

_-I’m talking outta my ass, Shuichi. Just leave me alone!_

Set my face against my knees and wrap my arms around them, huddling myself. Shielding myself

_-I’m sorry_

_-Don’t apologize. It’s my fault_

_-...I don’t know what to say_

_-Well then just- don’t say anything!_

_-..._ Shuichi looks away. He shakes the can of whipped cream and dollops some more into the brownie slowly

Lift my head to the loud sound of the air slowly spurting out

Giggle quietly. He tries to get more out, but it’s nothing but air. He’s holding it at the wrong angle, which makes it funny. He’s not even trying to make me laugh and he’s interrupting a serious moment, which makes it hilarious

Bust out laughing

_-You’re so...cute- goddamnit_

**He**

Turns to me and plasters an uncomfortable smile on his face

 _-That cheered you up?_ He giggles

_-I guess… I’m sorry- I’m just off my shits right now_

_-It’s okay. I understand._ I scoot over towards him and plant my head against his shoulder.

Reaches his hand over and sets it on my head, sort of petting my hair

_-Your hairs soft_

_-Nuh-uh. My hairs dry as shit_

_-I don’t think so_ , he snickers. My hand continues to scratch at the skin on my other one. I’m sweating. I’m not really sure what to do now

Calms me down. I enjoy his company

**I feel things**

Again

At the worst time

Not having a dick seems really convenient right now

In my stomach

In..me...when he holds me like this

But I swallow those feelings down

But I refuse to make him uncomfortable

There...why?

My breathing gets a little heavier

So I get up and go to the bathroom without saying a word

_-Kokichi?_

I lock myself in the bathroom. He knocks on the door

_-You’re sick again?_

_-No- I just...need a minute. Not like that though! My stomach is fine, I’m not gross!_ , what’s the point of even saying that? It sounds even more suspicious

 _-Okay_ , he chuckles lightly. I can hear him sit by the door.

I want to take action here. He’s right outside though. That’s disgusting isn’t it?

Ever since I first did it, I haven’t stopped feeling things. I haven’t stopped doing it, either

Almost constantly. It’s weird, usually that happens when you're like 14, but I guess at the prime age of 16, I’m finally...doing it like everyday, despite hating every inch of my body. Great.

_-Shuichi can you like- go away?_

_-Uh…_

_-Sorry! I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just… ugh! Never mind._

_-You can tell me, I won’t laugh_

_-It’s not necessarily something to laugh about_

_-Well, I- promise I won’t overreact? Or tell anyone!_

_-I’m just… ah!,_ I groan in frustration

_-What’s bugging you?_

_-I’m just feeling..weird, okay? It’s fine though! I’m getting out, I...don’t care anymore_

_-okay…_

But I walk out of the bathroom. Did I just fight how I feel? I’ve resisted the need to...be gross. Usually I just either flip out and scream at people or long for their body if I’m this into them… it wasn’t a problem in my last relationship though. Taking bodies was that guy’s specialty

**I**

Close the door behind me and look to my left to see Shuichi

_-Thanks for...standing there_

_-I thought you didn’t like it_

_-Nah it..actually prevented me from making a bad decision_

**We**

Return to his room

Sit on his bed and keep the game going

Ask childish dumb questions like “ _Never have I ever kissed anyone before you”_ and _“Never have I ever stole something”,_ I actually get tired of it pretty quick, so I break the game and ask him a real question

_-What..did you think of the note?_

_-Oh..I thought it was..private. It was, wasn’t it?_

_-Yeah…_

_-I didn’t really wanna bring it up. I didn’t know how you were gonna feel about it_

_-Its not like you snooped through my stuff though_

_-I know..And- Kaito really didn’t mean anything bad by it!_

_-I know.. I spoke to him. Why did you respond?_

_-I don’t know...I guess I was curious. And tired. It was like 4 in the morning and I was up all night doing missed work_

_-K. But for future reference, I don’t think things that are personal like that should be answered._ It didn't really annoy me! It’s just that if he wanted to take it slow, why would he respond? I know a big part of him wants to go further but we’ve known each other for almost a month now. That’s too soon right? I’m a whore aren’t I?

_-Sorry… so you wrote it to get your feelings out on paper, right?_

_-Yep_

_-You could’ve talked to me_

_-We both know that’s not true, Shuichi. You saw what was on that letter_

_-Well, isn’t stuff like that normal to talk about?_

_-No..not for me_

_-Oh…_

_-What?_

_-Seems like you’re really scared to try new things_

I hate that phrase

That phrase is the bane of my existence

My ex would always say that so he could get me to do...disgusting things

Things I wouldn’t wish not even my worst enemy to be coerced into doing

**_-Oh please._ **

I roll my eyes and scoff

_-It’s true! I mean- I’m no better, I’m terrified to take risks! But-_

_-“Take risks”? So you’re telling me that becoming your boyfriend wasn’t me taking a risk, or trying something courageous? You’re calling me a coward, Shuichi?_

_-No! God, no!_ He chuckles nervously

_-Chill out..I’m not as angry as I sound. You don’t have to be so scared of me_

_-I’m not scared…_

_-...Right_

_-All I’m saying is you should like- let loose! It’s only me here! I won’t judge you_

_-How can I “let loose” when you’re not even loose?_ I smile at his hypocrisy 

_-We can let loose together!_

_-...K_

**————————————————————————**

**Its 1:52 am and**

I’m going to “let loose” with Shuichi—whatever that means

And I feel like changing into the pajamas I don’t have

I ask if I can wear Shuichi’s shirt to bed. He says “ _of course_ ”. His shirt is big on him. His shirt is gigantic on me. It fits me like a dress. I wear my boxers underneath. I trust he won’t try anything creepy. If he does though, I’ll kill him

I grab a whole box of blueberry PopTarts, and a box of Puku Puku Fish wafers. The name sounds more disgusting than the taste, huh? I’m starting to eat more...I’m starting to fear myself

While I’m in the kitchen, Shuichi’s uncle walks in. He’s tall and skinny. Guess everyone in his family was blessed with my ideal genes. I get goosebumps and feel the need to cover up.

 _-Are you a thief?_ , he asks rather nonchalantly

 _-N-No…_ I say very quietly

 _-...,_ he peers around the corner _-Uhh Shuichi? You have a friend over?_

 _-Yeah,_ I hear Shuichi yell from down the hall. So he just didn’t let anyone know? I’m over here looking stupid

_-K_

It seems like Shuichi’s uncle doesn’t care that Shuichi invited someone over without an “ok”. My Grandma would kill me for that… well- if she found out

_-Carry on_

I continue grabbing snacks. I feel like a fat ass, but the bones pressing against the inner layer of my skin keep me encouraged

I feel a void growing in me when I start to eat more

**Back in Shuichi’s room,**

_-Sorry… I don’t usually tell everyone I have people over_

_-You told your parents, though..right?_

_-uhm…_

_-Shuichi! What the heck?_

_-We’re just not very close!_

_-Ugh! What are they gonna say when they see me tomorrow?!_

_-It’s okay!_

_-Fine! But you better be the one to explain all of this to them, if they get all agril’_

_-I will, don’t worry! And trust me, they won’t be annoying about it! I’ll just tell them to leave me alone—that usually works!_

He grabs my hand and smiles

I hesitate but smile back, looking down

I realize he’s pretty spoiled… I can’t imagine what he puts his parents through. Oh well. Not my business.

**_-So how does one “let loose”?_ **

_-Just stop caring about everything going on and do what you wanna do!_

_-Funny…,that’s exactly what Kaito told me. Is there this whole secret of life I’m just not understanding?_

_-No, it’s not that crazy. In this instance it’s kinda like jumping out of a plane_

_-“Jumping out of a plane”. You serious? I’m in a bedroom._

_-Right, right... that’s probably not the best analogy_

_-So is it like jumping out of a bouncy castle?_

_-...No...not really_ , Shuichi looks stumped. I feel kinda bad for ridiculing him

_-..Uhh well then whatever it is, I can’t wait to do it!_

_-Ok! Great! What should we do first?_

_-Wha- I don’t know! You’re the one that came up with the idea_

_-I know, but I’m not much of a party animal…_

_-Oh…_ , I don’t mean to sound disappointed—but I do

**So**

Instead we decide to play “ _Truth or Dare_ ”. Guess that’s the “ _craziest_ ” we can get

 _“Dare”’s what_ he says. This will be fun!

_-K… I dare you to text her_

_-Who?_

_-That girl you said you went to class early for_

_-It’s like..3 am though_ , he snickers

_-Ya gotta do it_

_-What do I even say?_

_-You should confess your love_

_-But I love you_

My face burns again

_-Well- tell her you used to like her!_

_-This is such a bad idea,_ he covers his face with shame

_-Here, I’ll do it_

_-No!- I-I’ll do it…_

I look over his shoulder to see what he says

_-“Me”: Hey Kaede! I know it’s like 3 in the morning, but I just wanna say I used to like you.. ok byeeee_

_-How’s that?_

_-Oh my god that’s just the right amount of awkward- it’s perfect!_

**Shuichi**

Hits send

Sighs, with a red face

Really used to like this girl...I can tell

I’m sorry. That was a shitty thing to do. That’s me though, a piece of shit!

I remember, we stayed up for 10 more minutes and kept playing “ _Truth or Dare_ ” 

Fell asleep first. Then me

I don’t remember too much from last night somehow..try not to ask me what went down

**I’m guessing**

That’s as crazy as we can get

She blocked you after that

**————————————————————————**

**Friday Afternoon**

**————————————————————————**

**We**

Were super tired in the afternoon—when we woke up

Slept together—gross, not like that. I slept a foot away from him at the edge of the bed

Shared his blanket

Were knocked out. Haha

My head is spinning.

It’s a new feeling.

I feel grumpier.

I feel sad.

I push through.

I’m okay when I’m with you

**You**

Get up and scratch your head

 _-What..time is it?_ , you ask after performing what looks like a good stretch

_-It’s like 12:30. You guys eat breakfast?_

_-No… there’s cereal in the pantry_

Get up after I do and bump into the closed door. I snicker at your cute sleepy face

Take a sticky note from the outside of your door off

Read it and roll your eyes

_-What is it?_

_-Just my mom…she’s ‘po’ed we left my room a mess_

Crumble up the paper and toss it backward carelessly 

Seem different when the topic of your parents is brought up. I don’t like that

Pull the box of colorful cereal from the pantry. It’s name brand. Funny, our cereal back at home is usually off brand cornflakes or- something else bland like that

Pour me some first and then yourself some second. How kind

Look at me the whole time. Like you’re waiting for me to eat it

 _-What?_ , I question as if I don’t already know

_-Are you...gonna eat it?_

_-Yes. Unless you want it_

_-I don’t want it. I want you to eat it_ , it sounds nice when it comes out your throat, but underneath it’s so passive aggressive

_-Shuichi-_

_-I thought you ate last night and you were gonna be over all that stuff_

_-Well, that’s not how it works_ , I try to say calmly

 _-Why..? Are you..doing this for like..attention?_ He sounds genuinely curious which makes me even more upset

 _-What?! Why the fuck would I hate my body for attention? You sound so stupid right now_ , it’s unfair. I feel like I can’t _not_ fight with someone I love. Maybe I’m just toxic

_-Okay. I’m sorry… maybe it was a stupid question_

_-“maybe”? You’re joking, right?_

_-..._

I scoff and storm out. _Outside_ , that is

**Shuichi**

Doesn’t know what he’s talking about

Is clearly in the wrong here

Doesn’t know shit he thinks he does

Doesn’t know me

Is probably using me for brownie points from peers and sex

Sucks

Is a douche. Bet

Is so pretty

Is too pretty to like someone as fucking abysmal as I am

I want to die today more than usual… what happened?

I hate you.

I love you so much.

**I sit on his porch**

In a sort of fetal position. How appropriate 

But I can’t get the tears to come out. I must be too frustrated 

And think about how he probably wants to break up with me

And feel like garbage. Constantly

 _-Kokichi_ , I can hear him call from behind the screen door

It’s freezing out. But the sun is still shining. I’m wearing nothing but a long shirt and some boxers. I’m an idiot

I shiver

I’m still mad at him. I want to scream

_-Leave me alone. I’m going home_

_-So everytime we have a little disagreement you’re gonna leave? Is this supposed to set me up for the future?_

_-..._ , I want to give him the silent treatment but I can’t. There’s too much fury in me for whatever reason _-Fuck off_ , that’s all I can say I guess

He slowly walks towards me and sits next to me. He looks out into the distance of his snowy backyard

_-I’m sorry._

_-You’re sick of it, aren’t you?_

_-Of what?_

_-Of apologizing to me. It’s not your fault. Why do you keep doing it? God..and- why is everything pissing me off right now?!_

_-I don’t know… is ‘that’ my fault?_

_-No! You’re just- so nice! It’s aggravating me!_

_-It wasn’t aggravating you last night.._

_-Because I didn’t notice it much last night! I’m dying right now! Why do you treat me so good?! Why can’t you like- throw me around and yell at me for always talking to you!? Why can’t you just hate me- why ‘won’t’ you just let me rot?! I deserve it! Call me a bitch, call me nothing, call me a worthless tranny, I don’t know- just be mean to me!! I can’t stand this ‘nice shit’ I thought I’d like it but I’m not used to it. I should’ve known I wouldn’t like change!_ , It sounds crazy...because it is, right?

Shuichi pauses and sighs. He sounds exhausted

_-...huh? You...what?_

_-I...I don’t know._ Then it’s like all of a sudden a rush of feelings spill out. _-I miss the way things were before_

_-What do you mean?_

_-I miss when I didn’t have a happy ending… I miss crying about how hard he hit me. I miss...wondering if I was gonna live or die the next day. I miss when he would come and kiss me and tell me that he didn’t mean it,_ I start to break down and speak in this crying-talking hybrid. It’s ugly 

_-I miss him so much. I can’t be without him, man… we were gonna get married as soon as I turned 18, and we were gonna be happy together and I was gonna decorate our house and get cute little pets and coasters and all that home-shit. Then...all of the hits and yelling and groping and assaulting would be worth it, because I would finally deserve him! I would finally deserve someone_

_-What?!_

_-I know it sounds *sniffle* crazy, but...he was supposed to beat sense into me- so I would be a perfect person! So I could learn how to be the best man I can be_

_-..._ , Shuichi can’t even say anything. His face is stuck with this shocked expression. Finally he speaks. _-Am I… gonna get cucked by an abuser? Is that what you’re telling me? I...I need like- a really long moment_

_-Shuichi! I’m serious_

_-I think that’s what’s even harder to believe_

_-I’m trash...I know_

_-No you’re not!! What the hell, Kokichi?!_

_-Look, I know you think I’m perfect or whatever but-_

_-This is like- actually insulting! I listen to you every second of every day and you don’t listen to me at all! And, you think you deserve to be abused?! Even if the two of you got married, he’d still abuse you! People like that don’t necessarily change overnight! You’re...you’re scaring me even more than you were before… Are you gonna hit ‘me’ so ‘I’ can be a perfect man?_

_-No! I just-_

_-I have to...go out for a second_

_-Do you want me to go home?_

_-I’m not sure…_

_-..._

_-Uhm..yes. I think I do._

I’ve over-shared. There’s no one there, is there? No one who would ever want to love me. There’s nothing out here for me. Everything I could’ve had I ruined.

I’m drowning in tears.

Shuichi says my name before I leave

I don’t look back 

**————————————————————————**

**I sob**

Into my pillow. Hard

Kaito asks me what’s wrong, but I don’t answer

He threatens to kill Shuichi if he ‘messed with me’ or something

And I never respond

I feel like killing myself

I think I will

**Void**

  
  
  


**Quick**

Is how this escalated

Is how I flipped

Is how I’m going to end my life

Not necessarily, it’s been 7 hours now since I got back home

Is how I change

**I have**

Nothing

Nothing to hold onto

Nothing for anyone

Nothing that Shuichi could want

Nothing that my ex could want

No pecs

No dick

No brain

No sense

Nothing

**Dinner**

I don’t eat

My grandma asks me if I’m okay

I cry

Everyone at the table asks what’s wrong

I sob

Everyone thinks there’s something wrong with me

Everyone says I’m “ _not the same_ ” 

Is a waste of time

Is pointless

My last sit down with everyone

Is over. I say goodbye instead of goodnight. Nobody seems to notice 

**That’s how it is, right?**

Nobody cares

Nobody notices

Nobody asks

Nobody thinks much of it

Nobody wants to bother, until it’s too late

**I smoke**

In the house

A cigarette out my bedroom window

It feels grosser than usual

It tastes black

I’ve never felt this suicidal before

I’ve never tried anything. I felt too much. I felt fear

Now

**I can’t feel**

My arms. They’re numb

My arms. They’re covered in blood

My arms. 

My arms.

My arms.

My arms.

Anything. Cutting at the vain was extremely painful. I should’ve started a bath instead of what I’m doing

**Belt**

Wraps around your waist

Holds your pants up

Is a stylish accessory 

Wraps around my neck when everyone is asleep

Has never been there before

Wraps around the pole in my closet

Carries me

Suffocates me

Knocks me out

Helps me...feel nothing and hear nothing

I can’t breathe

I’m not here right now

It feels like an eternity

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you enjoy it? I wouldn’t say enjoying it is the right word but... I hope this didn’t trigger anything for you :( I put several warnings so please never ignore those if you think you won’t like this!


	8. Patient ‘Patient’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW mentions of abuse, sexual assault, and other fucked up abusive elements(read tags)//
> 
> Bottled up Kokichi needs to let his feelings out. They’ve been inside him for way too long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //TW read tags//
> 
> Hope you enjoy this! Yes I wrote and posted this the same day I released the last chapter. I really got into it with this one. It felt good to be able to write naturally again. Feeling better

**Light**

I can see it

It’s blinding me

I hear mom’s voice

I feel lighter than a feather

I’m not breathing, but I’m not suffocating 

My pain is gone. I like it here

My thoughts aren’t in my head. I’m not thinking about anything

I feel daddy’s smile

I feel welcomed

I feel drowsy, but comfortable

I greet the two. They look exactly the same as I remember them

Turns dark

Fades. I try to grab it, but I can’t

Leaves. There’s nothing but darkness

 _-Mommy? Daddy?_ , I look around but there is nothing. I feel like crying.

**Fluorescent light**

I can see it

It’s blinding me

I hear Kaito’s voice

 _-Morning.. how are you?!_ He sounds ecstatic. He’s been waiting for me to wake up

I have nothing to say to Kaito

I’m gone again after some dude walks in

Can’t remember much

<Light

**Emergency rooms**

Aren’t fun

 _-Eat. You’ll feel better_ , Kaito tells me. He’s the only one visiting me. Okay...

Nothing could possibly make this experience any better. I don’t know why he’d say that

_-Why’d you bring me here? Why didn’t you just leave me hanging?_

_-...Your food’s getting cold. Eat_

_-I want to know. Really. Why didn’t you let me die? I was almost there. You would’ve done me a favor_

_-Stop talking like that_

_-Stop sharing how I feel? Well that’s why we’re in this mess in the first place_

_-Kokichi. What the fuck am I supposed to say? I found you, in our closet, hanging by a fucking belt with your wrists cut open. That’s not something I wanna remember every time I close my eyes!_ His eyes are sparkly. He wants to cry, but he’s holding himself together. I can tell. He’s not good at hiding it

_-Well it wasn’t my intention for you to find me and bring me here_

_-What?! That was quite honestly the loudest gesture you could’ve pulled!_

_-You think that was for attention. Don’t you?_

_-No! Just-fucking listen, dude. What were you thinking?! I-If I didn’t pick you up and get you to a fucking ambulance how do you think I would feel right now? I’m baffled that you’re alive, but I’m so fucking relieved!,_ he’s never been so angry with me. Why is he angry? I’m curious

_-Why are you angry?_

_-I’m not...I’m sorry I’m just...that- really fucked me up. Seeing you like that…_

_-Well I’m alright, now_

_-No you’re not. And you have no idea what it was like, okay?! Holding your cold body? Them telling me to back off so they can look at you. Why…? I thought everything was looking up for you._

_-... sorry_

_-...and- Grandma and Grandpa can’t even stand to see you right now_

_-So that’s their excuse?_

_-...Grow up._

  
  


I feel like a brat

**————————————————————————**

**Monday evening**

**————————————————————————**

**.**

I'm still in a hospital bed. How fun

My neck hurts. My throat hurts. My body hurts

I want to peel the dry cracked paint off of the wall

There’s some girl in here, she looks like she’s around the same age as me

Doctors call her Momori

Sometimes it’s Mo. Nice name

Guess she’s my roommate

At this point, I unfortunately can’t be bothered to form correct sentences

My arms look disgusting

It was dark, I don’t remember them looking all gory and gross like this

Of course bandages cover them, but they’re cheap. I can practically see through them

I don’t have my phone. I’m annoyed. At least I can’t talk to anyone. Lord knows I don’t feel like it

Doctor comes in. Tells me that I’m gonna have to stay here for like ‘ _12-30 days’_ depending on how I do mentally. Sounds like I’m not getting out of here anytime soon

He also tells me I probably don’t remember anything because every time I’d been waking up I was flipping my shit so they had to medicate me

He refers to me as a woman

**I’m bored**

I don’t know what to do in here

All I’ve been doing is sleeping and eating muck

There’s some books in here. They belong to my roommate though

I didn’t think I’d end up in here. I thought I was gonna die. Really wish I did

With nothing to do, this puts me at an even higher risk of snapping and trying to kill myself and everyone else in here. These hospitals are a bad idea

**There’s no scale in here**

I’m going mad

I don’t know how much I weigh

I’m going to have a physical so they’ll weigh me, but how will I keep track

My head hurts. I’m thinking too hard. I feel like screaming. When my roommate isn’t here I scream into my pillow.

**————————————————————————**

**I can’t tell if it’s Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. I already lost track**

**————————————————————————**

**Mo**

Is 16 like me

Is a Gemini like me

Tells me her story 

She tells me she downed a bottle of pills and her mom took her here because she wasn’t moving for a ‘ _really long time_ ’

Tears up when she tells me. I don’t know why she’s telling me then. Does she want my pity? It kinda feels like it. 

Talks about how she was cutting herself for 2 years and how her dad drinks and touches her. She’s very open about it. I don’t know what to say to any of it. So I don’t say anything. I’m too exhausted to engage.

Clearly has some type of mental illness. Well- obviously if she’s in here. But the way she openly shares all of this fucked up stuff makes me question her

Shares EVERYTHING

Tells me about how her own father gave her an std and how she had some type of lustful relationship with him.

Tells me about how he impregnated her, but she got an abortion.

Tells me about how he had an affair just to be with her. It begins to sound like he’s manipulating her. I could see why she would attempt suicide. That shit...It makes me sick to my stomach. She’s fucked. So is her whole life. I don’t belong with these people. I don’t. Maybe

Touches herself at night and is REALLY loud about it. I think she gets off to people paying attention to her. 

Is weird. I don’t like her

Over-shares

**I think about**

Shuichi at night

Shuichi when I sleep

How I want to be close to him

How I want him to pet my hair and hold me the way he did when I was at his house

The morning at his house. I feel bad again

How he’s holding up

If he’s texting me. I’m desperate to see what he’s asking. I want to talk to him so bad. This is the most painful ride of my life and I’ve only been here for like 2, maybe 3 days now

Shuichi at night, but my thoughts are interrupted by Mo asking me questions about my past. There’s nothing I can say to her

**————————————————————————**

**Like 2 in the morning**

**————————————————————————**

**_-Why are you in here? I mean, it’s only fair if you tell me since I told you_ **

_-..._

_-Oh come on!! I know you’re crazy like me! I’m curious_

_-I’m in here because I tried to kill myself_ , info she already knows…

_-Holy shit you’re a girl?_

_-...No_

_-Oh. Sorry. You’re like..transgender?_ She whispers that last part and I can’t figure out why. Will I be prosecuted for being trans? If so, scream it! Let the whole world know!

_-..._

_-right.. so, who brought you here?_

_-My brother_

_-Oh is he that cute guy with the purple hair? I kinda remember seeing him before he left and you woke up. He’s so hot. Do you know if he has a girlfriend_

_-My brother?_ I get angry. I’m almost mumble-shouting, whatever that is

_-Fuck I totally forgot for a second, my bad._

_-..._

_-Does he though?_

**————————————————————————**

**Thursday 8 am. It’s already December 23rd, huh?**

**————————————————————————**

**I get woken up**

By a lady in a basic white uniform

And taken to a small room with a man sitting in a chair next to a long bed

And next thing I know I’m talking to a psychologist. Guess this is part of my physical

**_-Morning! How are you?_ **

_-Fine_

_-So how have you been liking your room and your roommate?_

_-That’s a serious question?_

_-Yes. Please answer it_

_-Everything is horrible. What are you expecting me to say?_

_-No, no this answer is good, because we can find out why you feel like this_

_-What if I don’t want to?_

_-Well if you don’t want to comply, then you’ll stay here a lot longer than I’m sure you’ll fancy_

_-Fine. I hate this place. It’s dingy, I can hear people scream and cry every night, my roommate is a weird pervert, and lately I’ve been trying to find a hard surface I can bang my head on so I can wake up from this nightmare I’m currently living in_

_-Well ma’am; if I can speak to you like an adult-_ , he says in a joking, friendly manner 

_-Sir_ , I hiss

_-Oh..’Sir’, it can be difficult to adjust to, but I promise that if we talk about these things it’ll release a lot of the feelings you have right now_

_-..._

_-So, let’s get started!_

We talk about what goes on at home and how I feel about it

_-How many people are you living with right now?_

_-3. Grandma, Grandpa, and Kaito_

_-And Kaito’s your older brother, right?_

_-Yep_

_-How does your older brother treat you?_

_-Fine._

_-Care to elaborate on that?_

_-What do you want me to say?!_

_-Calm down, Kokichi… just tell me the kind of guy he is and how you two bond. Stuff like that_

_-He’s fine I guess.. he’s my older brother so like he’s always gonna annoy the shit out of me sometimes. I hate him right now though_

_-Why? Because he took you here?_

_-Yeah_

_-Well Kokichi, he really wanted to keep you alive. He was here with you almost every hour of every day. Not just to lecture you, but just to make sure you were alive. He asked if you were gonna be alright so many times a day. When he first came here he was crying. I bet he didn’t tell you that._

_-I figured. I’m not as dumb as you probably think I am_

_-Well I don’t think you’re dumb at all. In fact I think you’re pretty intelligent. You’re just very scattered and paranoid_

_-You don’t know me, okay?_

_-Okay...deal_

We sit in silence for a while after he asks me about my Grandparents and what it’s like living with them. It seems he gets a clue that they’re problematic when I open up about how they’re transphobic and religious. He doesn’t say much though. It’s annoying 

He asks me if I have a partner or any friends I’m deeply invested in

_-I have a boyfriend. His name is Shuichi._

_-Alright then. What’s Shuichi like_

_-He’s everything to me. You took my phone so I can’t talk to him_

_-I apologize. But we had to make sure you wouldn’t hurt yourself like that again_

_-I know…_

_-Alright. So has Shuichi ever hurt you?_

_-Well- kind of. But he didn’t mean to_

_-Was this physical or verbal?_

_-Verbal… what are you gonna do? Arrest him?_

_-No. I just need the pieces to figure out your motive. I can understand outright telling me is difficult for you to do, right?_

_-..._

_-So we'll take this one step at a time. Has anyone ever physically hurt you?_

_-Yeah. Obviously. I’m a human_

_-I mean someone you’ve ever been in a relationship with_

_-...yes_

_-And what was that all like? How did that usually go down?_

_-My ex boyfriend would hit me,..call me a slut.., call me derogatory terms, ‘punish me’, bitch about my appearance, call me bony and gross… and he would…_ , I pause. It’s too hard to get out. He wouldn’t understand

 _-It’s okay. Take your time._ He takes a sip of water and sits comfortably in his big chair

_-...he would...do things to me when I didn’t want him to. Or when I...told him ‘no’_

_-If you don’t mind me asking, would he humiliate you with these requests?_

_-...yes. He would make me do it in the bathroom at school… outside… even in my..own house, when people were home_

_-Sounds like you dodged quite a bullet, leaving this boy_

_-I guess but..it doesn’t even matter_

_-What doesn’t matter?_

_-Well- other than life, the fact that I left him doesn’t change anything. I miss him. I wish I never left him. I probably wouldn’t even be in here_

_-Well to tell you the truth, it sounds like if you stayed with him you’d be in an even worse situation. You mentioned he would ‘punish’ you? What does that mean?_

_-What it sounds like. He would just play these sadistic games with me when I’d do something he didn’t like_

_-Was it sexual?_

_-Sometimes…_ , I start mumbling, but he’s a good listener. _-Sometimes he would do… awful things… things I wouldn’t wish on even my worst enemy._

_-Well if these things are this bad, maybe we can do something about that—so he doesn’t hurt anyone else_

_-No! I- don’t want you to! He’ll kill me or worse-_

_-It’s okay. If he’s gone, he won’t be able to hurt you_

_-You don’t know that!_

_-I don’t, I don’t. I’m not saying we’re gonna do something yet, I’m just putting it out there. Okay?_

_-ok…_

_-So what would he do? I need to know the scale of how bad this is. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing with me, I can bring a female in-_

_-I’m fine. I’m not gonna say anything, don’t worry_

_-Well you can’t just not say anything_

_-You don’t need to know my life_

_-I just want to know what’s going on, so I can better understand you and help you_

_-I don’t need help. And even if you tried to help me, I’d still be fucked up. People that are in here end up either hurting themselves or others, anyways_

_-That’s not always true, Kokichi. You have so many feelings bottled up. I think if you continue on like that, you might end up like those people that do those types of things. The consequences will be much worse when you become an adult_

_-...I know_

_-So do you want to tell me? It doesn’t matter when you tell me, I just need to know something_

_-..._

We sit in silence again

I part my dry lips. My throat is hoarse at first

 _-He would...burn me with his cigars sometimes. It doesn’t sound so bad, but sometimes if he was really upset it’d be on...on_ , I bury my face in my hands and into my thighs. I clear my throat and mumble so he can’t really hear me say it. _-N-Nipples…,_ I fucking hate that word

_-or sometimes he’d take his belt and..hit me with it on my butt, like a..child. He used to have sex with me when he was..really angry. Make me..bleed… Can we..stop talking about this?_

_-Of course._ He flips a page on his clipboard and fills out more stuff. I get nervous. I don’t want them to tell him I said all of this stuff. _-How are your eating habits?_

_-Fine…_

_-Are you sure? You look a bit sick_

_-I’m fine. I just said that_

_-Okay…How much did you weigh last time you checked?_

I think about Shuichi’s house and how he watched me weigh myself. I lie

_-45 kilos, maybe_

_-Alright._ He chuckles. _-When was the last time you weighed yourself might be a better question_

_-The other day_

_-How often do you weigh yourself_

_-2, maybe 3 times a day_

_-Then I’ll ask you again, how are your eating habits?_

_-Awful. Is that what you want me to say?!_

_-I just want the truth_

_-Well they’re bad.. I don’t eat enough. I starve everyday. There. There’s the truth!_

_-Do you have a lot of food at home?_

_-Yes..I let everyone else eat it though…_

_-Why?_

_-I hate my body. I hate my curves, I hate everything about myself_

_-Alright. Why do you think that is?_

_-I wish I- wasn’t born a girl…_

_-Okay. We’re getting somewhere now_

_-...I just hate myself so much. Why can’t I be a boy? Why will I never be a boy?!_

_-You are a boy, aren’t you? You wanted me to refer to you as such, right?_

_-Yeah, but… I don’t have boy parts_

_-Well what’s so special about those_

_-Everything? Having those parts means I’m biologically a boy_

_-Not necessarily_

_-Well then how come no one treats me like that?_

_-Because people have their own ideas about what they think others are. It’s human nature._

_-Well I wish my family wouldn’t constantly refer to me as a female._

_-I understand. Gender dysphoria is tough. A lot of people actually commit suicide because of it_

_-Yeah. But old people think it’s cause we’re all fucking crazy_

_-Well, do you think you’re crazy?_

_-Yeah. I’m bipolar. But that doesn’t represent all trans people!_

_-I know. Not everyone understands that, though. What can you do about it? Especially with older people? Seems like they have their kinds made up, right?_

_-Yeah…_

_-Kokichi, I think you’re misunderstood. And there’s not much you can do to flip people’s narrative other than not let it get to you_

_-That's not very helpful advice_

_-Well at the end of the day I’m just another pawn on this chessboard. I don’t know the meaning of life, trust me. I will say this though; If you let it get to you, you’ll end up feeling even worse_

_-..._

_-You’ve let too much get to you. You have to do your own thing, even if others don’t like that_

_-What happens if I get in trouble?_

_-Well doing your own thing shouldn’t result in you getting in trouble_

_-What if I want to take testosterone huh? What if I want surgery? Life isn’t as easy as doing whatever! Why does no one understand that?!_

_-Well maybe that works for them. You need to find what works for you._

_-Ok…_

_-While you spend your time in here, why don’t you think about how you can let things hit you easier. How you can, not take everything to heart. I’m telling you, once you do that; you’ll deal with your issues a lot better. Well that and communication. Your brain is in desperate need of communication and understanding. We can talk whenever you need to, but how about for now, we talk every Thursday?_

_-..._

_-Then it’s settled. Now, back to Shuichi. What did he do that hurt you?_

We talked for what felt like decades. It wasn’t bad, it was just long. Eventually I ended up crying. I hate crying. I told him about how I don’t want Shuichi to leave me. About how Grandma and Grandpa suck and their house is the only thing keeping them together. About school and how bad I’m doing in it

I felt tired when I returned to my room. 

Mo’s talking made me even more tired.

**————————————————————————**

**At around 4 in the morning**

**————————————————————————**

**I get up**

I have the urge to bang my head on the wall, but I don’t wanna blow my chances of getting out of here 

I have to pee. Do I need someone to escort me to the bathroom that’s 3 feet in front of me?

I lock the door to the bathroom. My roommate makes me uncomfortable 

I hover over the dingy toilet and go. It’s gross in here. The sink has white crusty stuff on it and the walls or old and molding. My pee is probably salty like my attitude...

**_-Kokichi_ **

I hear her whisper. Why is she awake?

 _-What._ I ask before flushing and washing my hands

 _-What color is it?_ , she snickers

I dry my hands and lay in bed.

_-Kidding! Kidding! You’re so cute. I didn’t think I’d be into girls until I met you_

_-..._

I can’t let things like this get to me

No matter how much it burns

_-Goodnight_

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you enjoy it? I can’t wait for you all to see what happens with Kokichi and this whole situation he’s going through


	9. Home, Sweet Fiery Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW overheard argument involving incest and slut-shaming (it’s only in one paragraph, so you can probably just skip right over it) Read tags, though//
> 
> After a lovely Christmas with an extra visitor, Kokichi can’t wait to come home- kind of...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //TW (read tags)//
> 
> How are y’all doing? It’s nowhere Christmas as I write this, but ah what the hell, I love the wintertime so much!  
> Let me know how you like it. Can’t wait to further develop Kokichi and Shuichi’s relationship in future chapters ;)

**Saturday, it’s Christmas**

**————————————————————————**

**Merry Christmas**

It surely doesn’t feel like it

I now have 2 visitors

It’s snowing

Mo wishes me one. Our visiting hours are separate and different

What I got from the hospital for Christmas was a large curtain to cover me from my roommate when she creeps me out or annoys me

**Her parents**

Visit her. Yeah. Her mother _and_ father. Doesn’t mix well

Argue the whole time. I’m guessing they aren’t aware that there’s a person on the other side of the curtain that can hear them

_-Well she wouldn’t be in here if you didn’t go behind my back and fuck her!_

_-I fuck her cause she’s better than you’ve ever been in the last 20 years!!_

_-Mama, chill out!_

_-Shut up, whore! How could you do this to my precious baby?! You’re a sick fuck! You turned her into a disgusting slut!_

_-Well at least she doesn’t sit there like you do!_

I don’t know what to do, this argument is giving me major mental issues. I feel it’s PTSD, but I hate how people use that when it doesn’t even apply to them. Should I even bother labeling my trauma?

Get broken up by someone that enters the room. They’re asked to leave; they’re apparently giving the patients more to stress about. I can agree with that

**By noon,**

It’s time for my own visitors

Mo is excited to see my brother

_-Ooo he’s so sexy! I can’t wait!_

_-This curtain will be pushed shut the entire time._

_-I knoooww! Ugh! You know you’re cute too. Wouldn’t it be crazy if we had like a threesome?_ , she gushes and laughs. I’d rather stab my eyes with forks than be engaged in any sexual activity with my brother. Not to say the guy isn’t good looking but...wait- UGH! See it’s because of her I’m even thinking about this! My brain currently needs bleach. The thoughts that pop up in my head are enough to make me actually barf

Grandma and Kaito enter with the aid of one of the many ladies in white around here

Mo makes eyes at Kaito. I want to end her life, but I fear if I do I’ll never leave this prison

I shut the curtain with force

 _-Hi Kokichi_ , Grandma says with a warm smile. I haven’t seen her smile like that in quite a while

_-Hey bro! How ya holding up?_

_-Hey...I’m okay. How’re you guys? How’s Grandpa?_

_-Kaito and I are doing fine. How do you like everything? Has anyone...touched you or been funny with you?_ , her expression gets serious. Her voice is quieter too

_-...No_

_-Okay. Let me know, hon_

_-So...Grandpa’s doing alright?_

She scoffs

_-How should I know. We’re here. That’s good enough, right?_

_-Yeah… I was just asking…_

_-So!_ Kaito breaks the tension. _-Ah- Merry Christmas! We got you this!_

 _-Wait- Kaito,_ Grandma interrupts. _-You forgot the card that came with it!_

 _-Right! Right! My bad, I got it_ , she gives him the keys to the car and he leaves

Grandma sits down in the chair beside my bed. After a short while, she sighs. Her face displays a pained expression. She holds my hand close to her and she bursts into tears. I look around the room awkwardly

_-Oh Kokichi… Why? Wh-What- I can’t even explain how shocked I am!_

_-...’Shocked’?_

_-Well… I knew how you were feeling, I’m not an idiot! It’s just- you came home, then you were crying all day and next thing I know your brothers taking you to the hospital,_ she breaks down in the middle of her sentence. I don’t know what to tell her

_-What happened?! What- What did that boy do to you?!_

_-Huh?_

_-That boy!_ She snaps her fingers, hoping the name I told her will magically appear in her head

_-...Shuichi?_

_-Yeah! What did he do?! You need to tell me right now_

_-He didn’t do anything. I’m confused though. Where was this when I would come home crying after a fight with my ex?_

_-Well..you know I would always be working! I never really noticed. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry that it came to this!_

_-...Can you get the doctor?_

_-Why? What’s wrong honey?_

_-I’m realizing the only way I’m gonna get through this day is if I’m doped up on meds._ I mumble

**Kaito**

Comes back and hands me the card

 _-Don’t worry! I’ll get him now_ , she says before quickly exiting

 _-Everything cool?_ Kaito asks

_-The only way I can talk to that woman at this point is if I’m high as fuck_

Looks away and raises his eyebrows, as if to subtly agree with me. Mo pushes the curtain open. I sigh

_-Hi, Kaito—is it? Listen, when I get out of here I want you to know that I’m 100% single! And you can’t prove I have any contagious diseases!_

_-...Huh?_

_-Can you shut up?!_ I yell before shutting the curtain. _-Sorry…_

 _-It’s cool! That’s your roommate?_ He says with a quieter inflection in his voice

_-Unfortunately_

_-Oh.. well anyways, open your present!_

**I unwrap the box**

And open it. It’s the button up shirt with the black crows on it that I was looking at back when we went clothes shopping

I smile for the first time in days

 _-Like it? Grandma got it for you. She said it looked like you wanted it_. That woman knows how to piss me off one minute and make me feel warm the next sometimes…

_-I love it. Thanks_

_-Well I got you present too, but_ he looks around _I don’t think I can give it to you yet_

_-What is it?_

_-Well ya know… I remember the summer when you were super bummed that Grandma and Grandpa were being a-holes.. So I got a job 2 weeks ago and well, I’ve kinda been raising money so I can pay for like- treatment and shit.._

_-‘Treatment’?_

_-Ya know that testosterone shit_

_-Wait, Seriously?_

_-That’s what you want right?_ The way he asks makes it sound like he’s nervous I’ll be upset

 _-Yes, Yes of course I want that!_ I’m almost shouting. I’m ecstatic. He’s really been working to get me it? Why was I being such a dick to him…? He..really fucking cares about me, huh

_-Well I don’t have enough money yet, try not to get too excited_

_-I know, I know but- this is fucking awesome!_ I say playfully jutting his shoulder. _Th-Thank you…_ my hands shake. There’s so much passionate energy flowing through me. I feel..fucking great

I hug him. He hugs me back this time

_-Daaaww, ya happy?_

_-Shut up_ , I chuckle 

**After that**

Grandma returns with the doctor, however she’s on the phone

_-Merry Christmas Kokichi. How are you? Everything ok?_

_-Yeah, can you just...ya know, go get me something from behind the counter_

He looks at the situation. Grandma yells at Grandpa over the phone

 _-Um..right away_ he leaves

_-Grandma..?_

_-Because you should be here! Not telling me you “don’t know what to do”_

_-Grandma.._

_-Yes dear?_ She asks putting her hand over the speaker

_-Can you please..take that outside? If not they’ll kick you out…_

_-It’s not a problem! Don’t worry_ , she hangs up the phone and sits back in the chair

**After my daily meds**

I’m tired

I feel like going to sleep. That’s all there is to do in here

Grandma knits a blanket for me. What’s up with old people and knitting, anyways?

Kaito taps me on my shoulder and shows me his phone. I get a closer look at it. It’s a text conversation. The contact reads ‘ _Sidekick_ ’. Shuichi…

_-Sidekick: How is he? Where is he? What’s going on? Why isn’t he answering my calls? Kaito. Kaito answer please_

_-Those were sent last week. Kid was sending em’ every minute, swear to god_ , he says

_-‘Me’: Sorry. I’m at the hospital with Kichi now. He’s probably not gonna have his phone for a while_

_-Sidekick: Hospital?! What?! What’s going on?!_

_-‘Me’: He’s fine. Really. He’ll wake up. It’ll be ok._

The text is meant to calm down Shuichi, but it sounds like Kaito making a mental note so he doesn’t have a breakdown

_-Sidekick: You’re scaring me. What did he do?_

_-‘Me’: I still don’t even know. I don’t know if that was real_

_-Sidekick: Damnit Kaito! What?!_

_-‘Me’: He fuckin hung himself… I gotta go_

_-Sidekick: No. What?! Stop playing. What’s happening? I’m so confused. Where is he? Where is my baby?!??!_

I can feel my heart break. It’s sore. Shuichi I’m so fucking sorry, darling. I scroll down. He never stopped texting since then. Constantly asking if I’m okay and if I’m getting any better. Thankfully enough, Kaito didn’t leave him in the dark. I wouldn’t want Shuichi to hurt _himself_

**_-You show me that to make me feel like shit?_ **

_-No, dude. I wanted you to know Shuichi cares about you so much! I know you’ve just been dying to know how he’s doing so…_ , he’s right. It’s been driving me mad. I haven’t heard his timid, but somehow sexy voice in, what feels like, years

_-Oh. Thank you… Have you talked to him today?_

_-Yeah. He asked pretty much the same shit. He wanted me to tell you he’s, sorry, though. And that he loves you_

_-...tell him I love him more_

**————————————————————————**

**Physical/Therapy Thursday**

**————————————————————————**

**Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve**

We’ll probably watch the annual Kohaku show in the main room

Too bad I won’t be spending it with my family this year

Too bad I won’t be spending it with Shuichi

Finally this shit show of a year can be over

I’m dreading coming back to school on the 10th, if I’m even outta here by then

**I have my physical**

My height is 5’1, but I grew half a centimeter. Yipee

I weigh 34.4 kg

My BMI is the lowest it’s ever been: 14

The nurse tells me I’m severely underweight

Apparently I’m at risk of losing my period, my hair, and my teeth. The human body is wonderful, isn’t it?

The nurse gives me one of her name brand fruit bars and waits until I finish the entire thing. It’s sweet that she cares, but I don’t.

I look in the mirror. I still hate what I see, despite my health fading the way I dreamed it would. Anorexia is a scam. My bones are visible through my skin. My legs look like pale chopsticks. I still have curves. This is pointless

After that, she pulls me into her room again at around 2 in the afternoon. 

_-Merry Christmas_ , she says, after handing me the meal she bought from Wendy’s. I miss Wendy’s. I haven’t eaten my favorite burger in a year and a half. I can’t finish everything, but I manage to eat a handful of it. It hurts me that I’m just giving up all of that hard work out of nowhere, but my _stomach_ doesn’t hurt anymore so at this point, I’ll take what I can get.

**Today in therapy,**

I’m in a group with other people

We’re trying to meditate

This class seems _mostly_ relaxed. They must all be on drugs

**Today in therapy,**

I learned that I can’t meditate, when I’m surrounded by paranoid teenagers

A delinquent who seemed to be about a year older than me, referred to me as the ‘girl with no ass’. Strange. If anything I always felt my ass was the hardest thing to get rid of when it came to weight loss

I learned ‘ _communism is a scam_ ’, according to this girl who was off her shits, freaking out about some kinda alien conspiracy

**————————————————————————**

**NYE Friday**

**————————————————————————**

**New Years Eve**

Was lackluster

We watched Kohaku in the main room, like I suspected

We weren’t allowed any champagne or chardonnay

We didn’t get to eat off a cracker and cheese platter 

Isn’t the same without my family

Never thought I’d say it, but I miss them

**————————————————————————**

**Wednesday**

**————————————————————————**

**According to the psychologist**

I’m excelling in communication. I’ve told him a lot more about my life and how I feel about it all. It was one of the biggest sacrifices I’ve ever made.. I just gotta get the fuck out of here and see my Shumai. I’m losing it

My progress is very impressive

I’m a ‘very bright young man’. Bleh. Cheesy

I should be looking forward to a release in less than a week. For fucks sake. Finally!

**————————————————————————**

**Sunday**

**————————————————————————**

**These last few weeks**

Have been boring and uneventful

Have been miserable

Have been slow hell

Have made me incredibly tired

I’ve learned some things about myself though. I can’t deny that

I’ve discovered that despite me not 100% recovering—obviously, I know how to handle the crazy shit that happens in my head

I’ve learned how to deal with manic episodes and anxiety a little better. I hate to admit it, because it’s true

My health has been shifting up and down constantly. I gained about 4 kilos. I feel bad about it, but I can’t feel too bad. My periods gone at the moment. That’s all that matters. Last time I got weighed, I came out as 38.7 kg. I’m putting on weight in my face and my thighs. Lord help me. Funnily enough losing the weight happens slower than gaining it all back

**Tonight**

Is my last night in here though

Is my last night sitting in this bed all day and staring at a wall

Is my last night crying, waiting to be with Shuichi

Is my last night, hearing the screams of the few mentally disabled teens whose parents put them in here, instead of loving and accepting them

Is my last night feeling pity for every person in here

Is my last night sharing a room with Mo. Thank fuck

**_-Ya leaving tomorrow?_ ** **, Mo asks tonight**

_-Yep. Finally gonna get to see my Shumai_

_-I miss eating real food too, ugh_

_-‘Shumai’’s my boyfriend…_

_-He’s named after the shrimp dish thing?_

_-No, that’s just the nickname I give him… I’m talking a lot, at this point. Goodnight!_

_-No no wait!_

_-If it’s something about my brother I’m not gonna answer it_

_-No it’s not.. I just wanted to say that I actually appreciate you a lot_

_-What? Why?_

_-Well because! You were listening to me talk about what’s going on at home and why everything sucks so much in my life. I’ve never really gotten to talk to anyone, I’d likely never see again, about all of..that!_

_-Well that’s nice_

_-Do you..appreciate me?_

_-...eh sure.. I can’t wait to leave though!_ I chuckle

_-I’ve got another week still—and that’s if I can pull myself together mentally. How did you get this far?_

_-...Just talk about shit_

**————————————————————————**

**Monday, in the car**

**————————————————————————**

**_-Alright Kokichi!_ ** **My grandma says smiling,** **_-Aren’t you glad to be out of there?_ **

I nod. It’s just her and I today. Kaito is at school

_-So…, please for the love of god—never do anything like that again_

_-K…_

She hands me my phone

_-Here. This..boys been blowing up your phone_

I eagerly grab the phone expecting Shuichi’s texts

They’re texts from my ex instead

**_-Evil: Hru baby? U miss me? If not..I rlly missed u. Like A LOT lmao_ **

_-Evil: So like anyways, you wanna go to the park n talk all this out? I was a mega dick ik. But I still rlly fucking love u_

_-Evil: Ik u probably don’t wanna hear from me...but hmu when u feel like it k? Ily n imu ❤️_

I read every message from him

There are several

I feel like the lump in my throat wants me to cry, but I don’t think I will

I block him instead

I hadn’t blocked him beforehand, because like an idiot I was holding onto hope that he’d change and text me again… why was I so fucked up over a prick like him?

**I only see**

Texts from Shuichi that are weeks old

The old texts and I get sad for a moment. Then I remember he’d been texting Kaito the entire time. And I smile, because my ex didn’t text Kaito about anything. Shuichi loves me that much to bother other people I live with. It’s cute

**Noon**

I take a nap

I dream about Shuichi holding me in his arms

The dream feels so real

It’s like he’s actually holding me tight. It feels so warm, so cozy

I can’t wait to see him again at school tomorrow

**————————————————————————**

**Tonight,**

Grandpa has a bone to pick with me

Grandpa is super pissed about me attempting suicide. It’s hysterical to me that he isn’t worried sick or caring about how I’m doing. He’s just pissed

_-What the hell has gotten into you?!_

_-‘Gotten into me’, huh. This has been going on for quite a while, dude_

_-You’re in my house! You’ll refer to me as ‘Sir’, not ‘dude’! Got it, young lady?_

_-...Yep_

_-I can’t believe this!!_

_-You haven’t even seen me though_

_-I’m in too much disbelief, okay?! Your wrists; they look awful!_

_-Well that’s not helping my low self esteem.._ , I mumble jokingly

_-You think this is funny?!_

_-Nope. I just think it’s interesting that now, all of a sudden, it’s like everyone cares!_

I snatch back my arm from him and storm off into my room

I can hear Grandma yell at him

_-What are you doing?! You’re scaring her back into it! God, you’re so incompetent!_

_-Well I-...I don’t know what to do! I can’t.._ I can hear him break down. Sounds like he’s softly crying. You never fucking cared. Stop acting like you do now

I try not to let it get to me

I meditate

**I can hear**

Kaito walk in shortly after

Him not say a word. Good. Don’t disturb my peace

The voices in my head drown from the water I imagine flowing. _I’m better than I think I am. Someone loves me somewhere. Soon, I’ll be out of this hell hole_

**_-Hey dude_ ** **, Kaito says when I open my eyes**

_-..hi_

_-Are you okay tonight?_

_-Yeah._ I walk towards the closet looking for a sweatshirt I feel like wearing to bed 

_-Hey- I’ll get it._ He stops me

_-But I’m right there. It’s fine…_

_-Nah trust me_ , his expression is serious. Did I...traumatize him? I feel bad. He hands me the sweatshirt. _-Need anything else out of here?_

I still need my belt for the pants I’m wearing tomorrow morning. I don’t wanna do that to him again, though

_-No… I’m fine_

I sit on my bed after throwing the sweatshirt over my clothes. I lift the sleeves and look at my wrists. They’re still healing. They’re scabs, not scars yet…there's stitches sealing them up. Imagine if I'd cut a little deeper...

**————————————————————————**

**Tuesday**

**————————————————————————**

**Tomorrow at school**

Everything seems the same

People talk about what they did over break

People talk about what they ate for Christmas

People talk about what they got for Christmas

People talk about their New Year's Resolutions

People talk about me and what I did...they don’t. But it feels like they are. It feels like everybody knows. I hate it

I go to my locker, during 4th period. I see Shuichi. He waves to me. I rush over to him and give him a huge hug

 _-Hey! Hi- how is everything?!_ He asks me

_-It’s okay.. can’t complain, anyways. How are you? I missed you.. like so much- too much_

_-I’m fine.. I was just really, really worried about you_

_-Don’t be. I’m fine!_

_-You know what I mean._ He places a hand on my cheek. His other hand sits against my other cheek. His head rests against mine. My face burns. I wouldn’t take him as the type of guy to be affectionate in public like this. He lifts his head up and looks into my eyes. I look into his. It’s like looking into the ocean. His eyes aren’t blue, but they’re deep and enchanting. He has a look of lust in his eyes. Well a look of hurt, relief, passion, and lust… I’m drawn in. His face inches closer to mine. I lean in as well. Then-

**_Ring Ring Ring_ **

The 2nd bell scares the shit out of both of us. We break our solemn, sexy eye contact, remembering where we are. 

_-Well, I’ve gotta go! Shuichi...call me tonight, okay?_

He nods, looking almost dazed.

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you enjoy it? I sure hope so! Writing this I found myself reminiscing a stay I had with my sister last week. I felt sore about coming back ‘home’ afterward. I guess that’s how I was able to come up with the idea that Kokichi is coming home to a place that he doesn’t even care to call home...


	10. Over the Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW huge one! There is smut in this chapter! If you don’t like that, you can most definitely skip this one it doesn’t add much//
> 
> I’ll summarize this if you’ve decided to skip: Shuichi and Kokichi connect on a whole new level during their call. It leads to other things that Kokichi realizes he maybe isn’t ready for yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //TW again you don’t have to read this—but yes, it is a part of the story also (read tags)//
> 
> Enjoy this one! With some wine maybe, haha~  
> Jk I can’t drink yet :,)  
> Wrote this on sort of manic spree so if this is what you’re into too, awesome!

**B B B**

**A A A**

**B B B**

**Y Y Y**

**Shall We Love?**

**————————————————————————**

**Tuesday Night at 2 am; Kaito has finally fell asleep**

**————————————————————————**

**Shuichi and I**

Talk on the phone

Discuss what I missed

Talk about schoolwork we don’t wanna do

Talk about  _ it.  _ I tell him what it was like.. He sounds fearful when I talk to him. I hate it. I wish none of this ever happened. It’ll never be the same between us, right?

Talk about the future… I don’t want to think about the past right now

_ -Still gonna skip college?  _ He asks

_ -Yeah.. if it’s not too much of a burden though, I think living with you would be nice _

_ -‘Burden’? No, of course not! I actually think about that a lot too _

_ -How often is ‘a lot’? _

_ -Everytime I talk to you _ , he sounds sentimental when he says it. I want to kiss him right now. I’m currently on this sort of lockdown though. Since going to Shuichi’s house and having the whole... _ thing  _ happen, my grandparents won’t let me leave without Kaito or one of them

_ -What do you think about? _

_ -Making you pancakes and watching tv together or something _

_ -Are we watching Danganronpa? _

_ -We’re always watching Danganronpa _ , he chuckles and I laugh with him

_ -You see us getting married?  _ It’s definitely too soon to ask a question like that.. we’ve only been together for about a month now. I’m curious though. I want to see how he reacts to that question. I wanna test him

_ -Oh of course. Funny enough I see myself as the bride, and you’re the groom carrying me _

Bust out laughing. It’s a funny image, it really is!

_ -Who cooks? _

_ -I see myself cooking for you pretty much all the time. I know you though, you’ll bring home fast food whenever you can. _ I find myself giggling at that. It’s true.. I love this. It’s so damn cute

_ -Yeah.., true! So..in this future you’ve thought up for us, what are nights and mornings like?  _ I give him a tricky one. There’s bound to be something borderline promiscuous he thinks of. I wanna catch him red handed and tease him for it

_ -Well...for some nights, I’d imagine we get ready for bed together. Then we’d probably watch the food network until we fell asleep. Other nights,... _ he hesitates. There's _...not much sleeping going on… But anyways!  _ He clears his throat. I giggle like a schoolgirl. I can feel my ears get hot

_ -Man, you’re not subtle at all _ , I say covering my face, but peeking through my fingers

_ -Ah. I’m sorry- was that..perverted or creepy or something? _

_ -Ahh, a little. But it’s okay.. I like you like that.  _ Shuichi doesn’t say anything. He’s either processing what I just said or he doesn’t know how to respond. Probably both. Shit.

_ -‘Like me like that’? What do you mean?  _ He asks, sounding intrigued. I can feel my stomach flutter. I’m nervous and..a little horny

_ -I’m not sure..I don’t know why I said it _ , I say feeling a bit ashamed

_ -It’s okay!! Really _

_ -Ok..well, I like it when you say less ‘timid’ things… it’s sexy _ . Man oh man, how am I supposed to dig myself out of this hole now?

_ -Really?  _ He says a bit shakily. It sounds as if he likes where this conversation is going. I do too, for the most part

_ -Yeah.. _ I look down not really knowing what to say now.  _ -I mean, you’re cute when you’re shy! But when you said that...it made me curious to know more about this ‘side’ of you, ya know?  _

_ -Y-Yeah.. I never thought I’d ever be described as sexy.. I’m flattered. And..a bit excited...  _ he clears his throat.  _ -This is weird, isn’t it? _

_ -I don’t think it is if you don’t _ . I lie down and look at the ceiling.  _ -Shuichi? _

_ -Yeah? _

_ -Can I tell you something? _

_ -Of course _

_ -I don’t think you’re ready, but I am.. and it hurts. It’s not your fault, of course.. I’m just a whore is all.. _

_ -You’re definitely not. I think it’s more of the fact that I’m a loser,  _ he chuckles

_ -Well if you’re a loser, then you’re a cute, sexy loser _ . I can’t stop the words escaping my mouth. I’m surprised this is working better than expected though 

_ -Th-Thanks.. Kokichi? _

_ -Yeah? _

_ -Is it too soon to..think about you...like that? _

_ -Of course not! Hell if you weren’t I’d be bored out of my mind. I mean, sex is definitely hyped up as this big awesome thing, but everytime I’ve had it, it’s been pretty boring _

_ -Maybe you’re just having sex with the wrong people…  _

Muy caliente.

_ -You know,  _ he adds on,  _ -You can stop me from doing things that make you uncomfortable anytime you want _

_ -I know..I’m more than comfortable right now though.  _ That feeling in my stomach travels downward. My hand travels as well. It doesn’t do anything though. It rests there. I think about you touching me, kissing me—every inch of me. The thoughts feel better than the feelings I’m feeling in the parts I don’t want

_ -Kokichi… _

_ -Hm? _

_ -I should...go..I..uh _

_ -You can stay..I don’t mind _

_ -Are you.. _

_ -Yeah..well not right now.. but I will soon _

_ -So..I..can..with you? _

_ -of course _

**Sex over the phone**

Is something you hear about on tv

They call it “phone sex” don’t they?

It’s not something I’m proud of doing in the past

With you it’s different. It’s quiet. There’s no dirty talk. Good. I never enjoyed it in the past. But hell, there’s not much talking at all. I can hear you breathing heavily though. Have you started? I have

I want to make noises. I want to please you even more.. I’m shy though.. I don’t even know why

Well, it’s more like mutual masturbation over the phone

**< 3**

My fingers twirl and dance around my clitoris

The sensation is enough to kill me

I can’t help but pinch my-...you understand, right

White fingers pressing into a pink cave it seems

Heavy breaths turn into ‘ah’s and ‘hm’s

It’s sexy

I can hear you every once in a while

_ -fuck _ , you hiss under your breath

_ -ah- how is it? I wanna know _ . I say it breathlessly

I hear a shaky inhale from you

_ -good,..so...good...hearing you...makes it a m-million times better… _

_ -ohh...Shuichi.. _ , I can’t help but moan your name. It’s embarrassing but I can hear you moan mine back

_ -..kokichi.. _ , sounds like you’re approaching it. I’m close too. I doubt I’m closer than you though

_ -Shuichi _

_ -hm? _

_ -Is it too soon..for you to show me? _

_ -Is it too soon..for ‘you’ to show me…? _

_ -...possibly _ , I don’t know why I say that. It’s not necessarily true.. right? I want you. So bad. I’m so desperate. It’s killing me. The thought of you..seeing my… it’s just unfair.. I wish I could show you..a cock, or something…else..anything else.. _ -I wanna see your hand when you finish. I wish you were here..I wish I could..feel you..cum inside of me..ahh _

That seems to be enough to send him over the edge. He lets out a low, soft groan—followed up with short breaths and swears

His orgasm pushes mine out.

I don’t even hear myself moaning softly. My body shakes and spasms. My fingers are sticky and slick. I can feel…it leaking from out of me

He shows me the semen sprawled across his palm. It’s a great amount. He must’ve been holding it in for a while. I point it out.

He tells me he hasn’t done it since before I came over

A loyal man, he is..

_ -I love you _ , it’s pretty much a whisper

_ -I love you more _ , he hums

You’re special Shuichi

I’ve never felt like that with anyone else. I’ve never felt that before in general

We plan a romantic day tomorrow. This better go well

**————————————————————————**

**Wednesday**

**————————————————————————**

**After last night**

I’ve grown even closer to you if that’s even possible. We skip school and make out at your place. It’s naughty. I’m not supposed to be at your house. With you, I  _ like _ naughty

I’m on top. Just the way I like it. My lips attack your neck. I can’t tell if we’re about to have sex or not. I want us to. You don’t have condoms though. Do you? 

One of your hands rests along my jaw. The other hand is clutching my arm. It’s a nervous grip

My tongue explores your mouth. Your tongue isn’t really sure what to do. I show you

I set myself down over you. I take off my shirt. You unbuckle your belt and remove your pants

Your hand scans my body. I’ve been gaining weight. I think you notice. It looks like you enjoy it, judging by your starstruck gaze at my body

My hand rubs the bulge in your boxers. You let out an impatient whine. It’s incredibly erect. I start to feel a bit jealous. I continue though

I undo my binder. I don’t feel confident enough to show you myself yet, but I do anyways because I live to please you

You catch a glimpse at my…chest

_ -Can I..? _

I nod. Your hand presses against one. Small. I know

The more you touch the more worse I start to feel

You’re not good, but you’re not bad either. You’re very inexperienced, but that’s not what bothers me.

I feel angry. Embarrassed. Ashamed. I feel like a fool

I push your arm away. I unlock from our position. I cover up. I sit on the edge of your bed, my breathing becomes shaky. I feel like crying. I feel assaulted even though I want you so bad. I feel damaged even though you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. You reach out for me. You wonder if everything’s alright

**It feels like it’s all hitting me at once**

The dysphoria

The psych ward

The suicide attempt

The belt

The stitches

The bandages I wrapped around my arms today

The eating

The room

The smell of cleaning products

The weight gain

Us..

Us trying to have sex. It’s too fast. No it’s not. Slow down. Hurry the fuck up! Please!

**I go home**

I try not to let Grandpa hear me come in

Grandma is sleeping until her shift

Kaito’s at school. I text him. Tell him I’m home and I’m alright

I look at myself through the bathroom mirror. There’s hickeys on my neck and my right arm. I think about how it would’ve gone if we would’ve done it. I feel aroused again. But I’m tired. I take a nap. Today emotionally, physically, and mentally drained me. I can’t figure out if it’s a bad thing or a good thing yet

**————————————————————————**

**Friday**

**————————————————————————**

**I didn’t**

Text you much yesterday

Bother explaining what...that was

Want you to think I was leading you on or anything

Want you to worry, so I told you I’m alright and that I guess I’m just not ready yet. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I want you. I know that. I just can’t do it! What the fuck!? 

Think we started doing sexual things too fast, until now…

Want to leave you. I wanted to stay there and feel your body under mine

**I don’t**

Eat anything today. I feel ugly once again

Bother drinking much water either. I’m too occupied to remember 

Feel like going to school today. I ask Grandma and Grandpa if I can stay home today. Grandma says yes, Grandpa says no. The ultimate decision made, is that I can stay home. You go Grandma. Show that man whose boss!

Do much today. I sleep for hours. Grandma goes to work at 12 today. Grandpa leaves the house as usual around this time…

Think you know why I stopped. I’m sure you think I’m lying to you. So I text you

Bother waiting around

_ -Me: Come over to my place. No ones home _

_ -Shumai❤️: Ok. Is everything alright? _

_ -Me: Yes love _

**I’m still tired,**

But I pull through for Shuichi

But I stay up, because I’m anticipating him coming over

But I hear the doorbell ring, and I answer it immediately 

_ -Hey! _

_ -Hi...sorry my house is gross. Try not to look at too closely _

Shuichi laughs.

_ -No, your fine. Why’d you want me to come over? _

_ -I wanted to talk..about yesterday..  _ I grab your hand and take you to my room. You’ve never seen it. Funny how you slept in the living room with Kaito when you stayed here. Imagine if you’d slept in our bedroom oh jeez that’d be awkward! But...also kinda cool…hehe

I show you some of the things in my room. You think the picture of Kaito, my mom and I is adorable. I was so young back then… too young to realize those skirts and dresses I used to wear just weren’t for me

**The**

Fact that you cut class just to be with me is so sweet

Moment we sit on my bed, your hand touches mine. I can’t help but smile

**_-So what’s up?_ ** **He asks**

_ -I’m sorry _

_ -Sorry about what? _

_ -Oh come on, you know! I’m sorry I wasted your time yesterday. I’m sorry we..stopped _

_ -Why are you sorry? Wasn’t it me that made the wrong move? _

_ -You didn’t make any ‘wrong move’s...I just felt really bad _

_ -Why? _

_ -Cause..everything about this year has been so fucking insane! How could I possibly be comfortable touching..and kissing and doing all this awesome shit when, weeks ago, I tried to murder myself? And I was..taken there.. and everything about it- it’s so fucked up… I just don’t want you to think about it when you see me… and I don’t think I..can do all of this… _

_ -It’s okay,  _ he wraps his arms around me. I’m so sleepy. I can’t help but snuggle into his hold  _ -It’s whatever you want and..whatever you need _

_ -We’re still..50/50 though...right? _

_ -Of course _

I don’t even notice it, but I fall asleep in his arms.

**I wake up**

With my big warm blanket draped over me

To a text from Shuichi:

_ -Shumai❤️: Love you! Call me when you get a chance! _

I smile at the text and take a shower

After my shower I call him

The call is great! But it’s back to being innocent…

I feel bitter sweet

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it?   
> -...  
> Cool!   
> Seriously though, let me know your thoughts! I’m scared to put this one out, but gaaahhh whatever let’s do it!


	11. How Do You Do It?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW read tags//
> 
> Kokichi and Maki actually talk oh my god!!   
> Kokichi wonders why his feelings for Shuichi are slightly shifting lately  
> Kokichi also questions his sexuality and wonders if it’s too soon to have feelings for other genders, despite having top and bottom dysphoria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //TW read tags//
> 
> Enjoy this chapter! Found a lot of myself in Kokichi in this chapter; what with loving someone truly for the first time and wondering if having second thoughts is normal

**Monday**

**————————————————————————**

**School**

Again.

The weekend ended too soon. I spent it talking to Shuichi and sleeping

Has just ended. I’m waiting for my bus to arrive

‘Harumaki’ is with my brother again. They’re talking to people they know but Kaito told me he was staying after school guess I’m riding alone today

_ -Wanna come? _

Guess I’m not 

**After school**

We sit in the library. I don’t know why I decided to come along. I guess my mind realized I have nothing better to do today

I’m feeling fatigued. Well I’m feeling fatigued in general today

I try to pull myself together. I don’t wanna have one of my many wackjob outbursts

I feel like a third wheel. Well Kaito and his girlfriend are talking to their friends and being EXTRA loud. I fear we’ll get kicked outKaito and his friends are supposedly tidying, but they’re actually just hanging out. Ever since my little...incident, Kaito and I can’t have people over much anymore. I ruined it for you.. Sorry, Kaito

I go use the bathroom to try and ride out the minutes. I made the mistake of trying to be social. Trying to be normal…

**Bathroom**

It’s a women’s bathroom. The librarian remembers me from freshman year. If she catches me trying to be happy I’ll get ‘in trouble’

‘Harumaki’ walks in while I stand near the sink using my phone

She stands in front of the mirror. She looks exhausted. I don’t think she notices me

She sighs and holds her head, looking down 

I walk over to the trash to spit out my gum

She jolts up

_ -How long have you been in here? _

_ -...I came in here before you _

_ -Oh..shit _

_ -You good? You seem stressed _

_ -I’m fine...fine.. just tired.. _

_ -You looked fine before _

_ -Nah, it’s just- hanging out with them..so tiring _

_ -Why do you hang out with them then? _

_ -To blend in.. stop asking me questions _

_ -...k _

_ -S-Sorry...that was kinda rude _

_ -‘kinda’...? _

_ -Yeah..I just don’t like to talk to people. But I do it anyway!  _ She says as she takes out her lip gloss and puts it on her lips.  _ -You don’t like talking to people either, right? Why’d you agree to come? You’ve been silent the whole time _

_ -..I guess I just wanted to blend in too _

_ -See,..you get it _ . She places the cap on her lip gloss and shoves it back into her bag. Before she leaves I ask her question

_ -‘Harumaki’, how are things with Kaito…? _

_ -That’s not my name.. _

_ -It’s not? _

_ -No...that- idiot calls me that..  _ she tries to hide a smile when she says it.  _ -Call me Maki...please _

_ -My bad.. _

_ -It’s fine. And Kaito is fine. We’re fine. Why’d you ask if you two live together?  _

_ -I feel like he doesn’t tell me enough...it annoys me _

_ -... _

We stand in short uncomfortable silence

She walked out first. I decided to follow her out

**I’m curious**

About ‘Harumaki’

About Maki

Kaito and Maki

About their friends

So I decide to blend in. Make new friends. I look a mess though. I think they’re a bit put off, but accepting nonetheless

**My**

Hair is messy, even though most of it is shoved into my hoodie

Eyes look sleep and have dark circles around them 

Lips are thin and bit cracked 

Arms have bandages around them 

**Making friends**

Was difficult, but not completely unsuccessful

Is it fair to call them friends yet?

I haven’t had a friend, before Shuichi, for 4 years. I never noticed how long it’d been

I don’t think they’re my friends yet, but I’ll take any human interaction I can get

**After**

After school ends, I see what Maki was complaining about

I come home, I sleep from 5 til 2 in the morning—with the acception of waking up a few times

I wake up, I call Shuichi. Seems like something I do everyday now

**_-Hey! How are you? Is everything okay?_ ** **He asks right after he answers the call**

_ -Hi..I’m fine. Just had a nap...I’m..tired _

_ -Wait- after waking up from a nap? _

_ -...ah I guess.. _

_ -How was after school? _

Sometimes talking to Shuichi feels like talking to my Grandma. He asks so many doting questions. It’s sweet, but sometimes it’s grating

_ -It was fine.. _

I don’t feel like talking. I’m not sure what I expected calling him

The duration of our conversation is quite..a bit awkward too. For the first time, I feel bored talking to him. Is this normal? I thought you’re never supposed to get bored with the person you really love

We hang up at around 3. Our shortest call ever… what’s up with me? What’s up with us?

Soon, it’ll be February. Soon Shuichi and I will have been together for 2 months.

2?

...why is the excitement gone today?

Sorry..,I’m overreacting

_ I  _ called  _ him _

**————————————————————————**

**Wednesday**

**————————————————————————**

**Sex ed class**

I hate this

Why?

Gross

Awkward

Embarrassing 

Everything’s about a ‘man and a woman’

Not for me

If I skip it, they’ll hunt me down and find a way to shove the info down my throat

‘ _ Shove _ ’... ‘ _ down my throat _ ’? Gross dude

Makes everything gross

**I put my head down**

Instead of paying attention

It’s a short class to take..not so much a year long thing...still don’t wanna be in here, though

And the teacher calls me out for it

I’m flustered. A few people are looking at me now. Really? Just to see who he was yelling at? Mind your business…

**_-‘It’s important to communicate with your partner and figure out how ‘you’ have sex’_ ** **the video tells us**

What’s this garbage filler I’m listening to?

The few athletes in the back of the class kid around with each other

_ -How do you have sex?  _ One asks his peer with a mocking voice

_ -Oh! I don’t know, bro! How do you have sex?  _ The other one turns and responds, batting his eyes

I put my head down again. The lights are off and the video is the only source of lighting. I should be good

I hear girls giggle next to me. Likely giggling at the boys. Yes ‘boys’. They don’t behave like men

Someone taps my shoulder. I can feel a pointy nail—most likely an acrylic

I lift my head up to see what they want

It’s the chick with the sticky note. Whatever she has to say must be absolutely golden! Well, golden and super transphobic

_ -Kokichi, how do you have sex? Well...with whatever’s down there _ , she giggles. Her friend playfully slaps her arm and laughs like she’s heard the best joke in the world.

_ -Oh god! Don’t say that!  _ The friend tells her, while still laughing

Telling someone not to say something while laughing, is basically an invitation for the person to continue saying dumb shit

_ -Quiet over there ladies _ , the teacher snaps, clearly in the midst of a nap

I put my head down. This time, I feel like crying

**High school is**

Rough

Painful

Tricky

Upsetting

Disappointing

A waste of time

Fucking dumb

Shit

Hell

The worst time of almost anyone’s life. If not high school, probably middle school. Point is, school fucking sucks

**————————————————————————**

**At my locker,**

I stick my head in

I feel tired again

I mess with the ripped pages in my notebook

I feel a hand on my shoulder. The grip is rugged. God, I know that grip

I jump up and back up closer to the locker. I’m not sure what that’ll do. In fact it might make this even worse

_ -Hey. How’re you babe? _

_ -... _

_ -You didn’t answer any of my texts.. what’s up? _

_ -I...I was at a..hospital… _ I mumble, my fingers slightly blocking my mouth

_ -Hospital? You okay, sugar? _

‘ _ Sugar _ ’… I almost forgot what feelings that nickname gave me

_ -I…was..in a..psych ward…  _ You fucking idiot. Why...why would you tell him that?

_ -Ah... _ he chuckles

I get flustered. I get...angry.  _ -What. _

_ -Cutie, I told you if you left me you’d be even more mentally fucked up. Shoulda listened. Luckily, I’m willing to take you back! You might have a bit of an initiation for your absence though…  _ he smiles. He uses smarter words when we talk in public. He doesn’t want anyone to know he abuses me. I know his game

I shut it and just walk away from him

**He continues to**

Try and pester me

Try and get my attention

Try to instill fear in me

Try and threaten me

Finally fed up, I turn and snap

_ -Leave me alone, or I’ll...I- I don’t know yet! Just stay away from me! What do you want anyways? _

_ -Lets be honest here.  _ His voice gets quieter.  _ -You’re easy to fuck with. You’re a pussy little bitch, who won’t do anything. That’s why. K? _

_ -...What? _

_ -I only went out with you cause you’re easy. And you know how to shut the fuck up and do what you’re told...so I guess that’s a plus too _

_ -Well I know your ploy… so just- leave me alone..  _ I say, feeling hurt for some reason

_ -Why bother!? You’re an idiot. You’ll just come crawling back to me anyways, cause you know no one else will wanna fuck you _

_ -Shut up!  _ I raise my voice in anger. He snickers. 

_ -Sure… but you’ll be in that nut job hospital again in a week. Watch _ , he walks away with his hands in his pockets, like he doesn’t have a care in the world. I hate him. 

**Ow**

Says my heart

**Ow**

**————————————————————————**

**Thursday**

**————————————————————————**

**I haven’t**

Called Shuichi in 2 days

Stopped eating. My BMI got up to 17 this week. Seems like the angrier or more stressed I get, the more I eat. It almost fills the void. I forgot how good this felt. But still, I want to kill myself. Can’t see anything stopping me from doing it, so.. Let’s just hope I don’t fuck it up like an idiot next time

**Shuichi**

Calls me at 5 pm today. I answer

_ -Hey! How’s everything? _

_ -You gonna ask that everytime? _

_ -Yep. I ‘must’ check on you! It’s suuuper necessary.  _ It’s cute, but I don’t giggle this time.

_ -Am I getting fat?  _ I ask instead

_ -No. Of course not! _

_ -My BMI is 17… _

_ -BMI? _

_ -Body Mass Index _

_ -What’s that? _

_ -How healthy I am depending on my height and weight, I think…  _

_ -Well if you’re not so sure how could you be so fixated on it? _

_ -...I don’t know _

_ -I think you look the healthiest you’ve looked since I met you _

_ -...huh? _

Big mistake. Never ‘compliment’ someone on their weight, by shitting on the way they looked beforehand. Just never ‘compliment’ someone on their weight at all

_ -Well I mean like- you’ve always looked amazing but like now you…  _ you’re digging this hole deeper and deeper. Just shut up.  _ -...oh god. This is gonna turn into an argument..isn’t it,  _ the icing on the cake. Anticipating my ‘crazy’

_ -...Shuichi- _

_ -To be clear!  _ Oh no  _ -I guess it’s just cause I like something to grab. N-Not like that though, shit. Just like- in a general sense- _

_ -shut up _

_ -Yeah I probably should _

And I become silent.

I break the silence with a sigh

_ -What’s going on here? _

_ -Hm? _

_ -Like- how come you’re becoming slightly less tolerable each day, lately? _

_ -I… _

_ -I love you, but you’re annoying me _

_ -...sorry _

_ -It’s whatever. I’m tired. _

_ -...ok...love you! _

I hang up and go to sleep

After I lay in bed, I start to feel regret. I’m sad now… I miss him

**————————————————————————**

**Dreaming (a poem I wrote about the dream I had last night)**

There’s pink everywhere

Delicious fumes in the air

I’m seeing bodies on the ground

I hear ‘another one has been found’

In this dream I have a familiar outfit on

In this dream I’m a character that won’t last for long

Bones

Teeth

Eyeballs

Spine

Brain

Skull, goes SPLAT

It’s a slow death

Underneath is where I’m left

New faces, new places, slightly familiar too

I’m stable though, because I’m here with you

A premonition?

Perhaps, in my wildest dreams

But this land seems too fake

To be a reality, it seems

**————————————————————————**

**Friday**

**————————————————————————**

**How do you do it, Maki?**

How do you stay so skinny?

How do you stay popular with men and women alike?

How do you get guys talking about how pretty you are?

How do you make so many friends?

How do you go out with someone like my brother, despite him being so rowdy and talkative?

How do you not get sick of him?

How are you so social, despite obviously being an introvert?

How are you not constantly falling asleep?

How does everything seem so cool to you, despite there clearly being something up?

**When waiting for the bus,**

In the afternoon, I look out into the distance. The trees are snowy. No leaves, they’re naked. Beautiful, but creepy

I chow down on Tennen Koubo..the one with the Hokkaido cream inside. God I’m getting fatter, I can feel it

I don’t see Kaito waiting for the bus. He doesn’t really come home with me anymore since this whole ‘guest rule’ thing

I feel like Kaito and I are drifting apart

I feel like it’s my fault

I text him. No response

**I see**

Maki though 

Her on her phone, looking a bit upset

Her, but we’re not close enough friends for me to just say ‘hi’

She’s not with my brother. Interesting

Her, so I pretend to bump into her, since she’s not really looking where she’s going anyways

**_-Shit- sorry! Oh..hi_ **

_ -Hey.. it’s alright _

She turns and begins to walk away

Peculiar girl, you are. I’m much too invested and confused to let you walk away just yet

_ -Uh- Maki! Where’s Kaito? Do you know? _

_ -He went walking with his friends like 10 minutes before school ended… all he cares about is hanging out with his friends  _ she chuckles, it’s fake though. I can hear how annoyed she sounds behind it

_ -Where are..you going?  _ It’s a dumb question. But I want a friend

_ -Home…? _

_ -Right  _ I don’t notice my face changes to a more defeated look. I think she starts to feel a bit bad

_ -Uhm.. you wanna come to my house? He usually comes over around the time I get home.. _

I can feel her mind kicking her for asking. Awkward. I hate this

_ -...K _

**The bus ride**

To Maki's place is quiet. Too quiet. I want to break the ice, but I’m not sure what to talk about

**Maki’s house, however**

Is classy. Her parents must be fucking loaded. She makes me take off my shoes at the door

Is clean, with marble kitchen counters

Is white and well furnished

Looks like an upper middle class palace

Makes my house look even more shit

**I look around**

Her living room. Damn.. and I thought the neighborhood was nice

I open the fridge. That would be the first place I’d go

Her fridge has little food in it. Kinda takes away from the experience

**She**

Grabs a box of cookies from out the top cabinet 

_ -There’s more food in here  _ the tip is welcoming, but it makes me feel like, with my fat ass, she knew that was what I was looking for

I stand on the stool she was on and reach for a granola bar. Keep it simple and small, porky

**We sit**

On her couch and she puts on the tv, likely to add some background noise to the silence

_ -So, why did you agree to come over? _

_ -I...figured he’d be here by now...I mean, you asked anyways _

_ -I kinda thought you’d just say no… _

Man, is she just rude

_ -Well...I didn’t… should I go home or something? _

_ -No. I didn’t say that. Chill out _

Why does everyone always tell me to chill out? Am I really that jumpy and agitated?

_ -Got any homework?  _ She asks

_ -Yeah, but I don’t plan on doing it.. _

_ -Why not? _

_ -I don’t really care about it anymore… I’ve been failing, I think I’m just gonna leave it like that _

_ -So you’ll just throw away your future? _

_ -I don’t know, dude _

_ -...Sorry. If I got anything below a 90, my mom would kill me _

_ -How do you find the time to study? _

_ -I don’t. I just cheat sometimes _

_ -Sounds like you and my brother were made for each other _

_ -I guess…  _ she slightly smiles. Probably thinking about him. Bleh

_ -You speak like you don’t like him all that much but I feel like you really do _

_ -I do. Of course I do.. it’s just, hard to convey my feelings...it’s...embarrassing. Don’t tell him I said that though, or I’ll kill you _

_ -I wanna die _

_ -... _

_ -I’m kidding! Sorta.. _

We chuckle softly. The awkwardness is still there, but at least it’s not blisteringly painful

_ -Member that one day when I was at your house and Kaito introduced me to you? _

_ -Yeah.. _

_ -How come you were crying so much?  _

_ -Why do you wanna know? You gonna like- use it for gossip or something? _

_ -No...I’m just trying to make conversation _

_ -So that’s what you were trying to do when we first met? _

_ -Yep. I ask hard hitting questions as a means of first time communication. I want to get in your business before I really get to know you. The people that tell you right away, are people you can’t really trust.  _ A note for dear Mo, back at the psych ward.  _ -It’s kinda like a test. It’s difficult for me to trust others _

_ -Why? _

_ -Nice try  _ she smiles

She’s smart. Well, angry and smart

_ -So the crying?  _ She asks

_ -I just..broke up with my boyfriend that day _

_ -Oh...crying because you’re boyfriendless? _

_ -No.  _ I say flustered. Why would I give a damn if I had a boyfriend or not. Stupid question

_ -My mistake..you’re responses can be very irrational _

_ -Your question was stupid _

_ -... _

_ -...sorry. _

_ -It’s fine. I apologize as well… so, what’s up with you lately? You look...less dead than when I first saw you _

_ -Getting fatter _

_ -Ah...ok… _

**_-How do you stay with Kaito?_ **

_ -Well what’s wrong with him? _

_ -Nothing—it’s just when we were in the bathroom you looked annoyed. And today, you seemed annoyed again. Why would you stay with someone that’s constantly annoying you? _

_ -He doesn’t constantly annoy me. He just does things that piss me off sometimes. That’s relationships. I still love him at the end of the day. Cause he’s super funny.. and sweet… and a bit of a smoke show _

_ -He’s my brother… _

_ -Yeah. I don’t know how  _ she chuckles

I laugh as well

_ -Do you ever..get bored of him? _

_ -Yeah sometimes..well- often. I thought it was a bit strange to be bored so soon, but it happens. Sometimes you just go through a dry spell _

_ -What’s a dry spell? _

_ -Ah just a while without something.. usually something that was once exciting, when it comes to relationships. You get it, right? _

_ -Yeah.. _

_ -Cool. Now do your homework _

**Maki**

Isn’t as crummy as I thought she was

Cool once you get to know her

Helps me with my homework. It’s the first assignment I hand in in days, maybe weeks

Is nice, when she feels like it

Is pretty

Smells nice, creepily enough

Is making me question if I like girls. I don’t like Maki, but the girly qualities about her seem...cool. I think I'm interested in women...maybe...I don’t know anymore

Kaito comes over to her place. They talk for a while. He and I go home afterward

**————————————————————————**

**Tonight**

Shuichi and I call, and with the knowledge of boredom being normal in a relationship, it now doesn’t seem so bad

Shuichi and I talk about loads of crap. I can’t exactly pinpoint how, but eventually we start talking about porn and the terrible acting in it. Now  _ this  _ is a conversation I can get into! I don’t tell him I’ve only seen porn once in my life. I don’t wanna sound like a kid

**_-...I mean would you do it for a million yen?_ ** **I ask Shuichi.**

‘It’ referring to porn

_ -Honestly….yeah? _

I chuckle.  _ -So you’d suck dick just for a million yen? _

_ -‘Just’? What do you mean ‘just’? That’s a buttload of money! _

_ -I guess… I have too much pride to do it _

_ -Yeah, you definitely do!  _ he giggles  _ -I’d probably do awful though _

_ -Why are you worried about doing awful? _

_ -Well I mean, they probably won’t give you money if you don’t do it good _

We process that and bust out laughing

I try to keep it down, though. To my knowledge everyone’s asleep

**Thinking of Shuichi doing** **something like that**

Is very interesting

Is funny, but also makes me feel weird. He’s bi, so it’s not crazy to think of, but the image is stilled in my head

..is something I don’t really wanna think about anymore. Especially if it would just be for money

**Thinking about Porn**

Gets me questioning a lot

Gets me questioning my sexuality. I always thought I was gay, but...doesn’t really seem like it based on the feeling I have..there

Makes me feel like a pervert—like the guys that constantly make raunchy jokes about it…

Makes me uncomfortably aroused

Plants the idea in my head to..well, watch it

**So I do**

It’s not bad

It’s like watching a boring action movie. Getting through the shitty exposition and dialog so you can watch the cool shit

The first thing I’m looking at are the boobs...god, hearing myself now.. never mind

**Porn**

However, makes me super dysphoric

Is just some girl doing stuff for guys while they talk about her body parts, using the words I absolutely can’t stand

...some of it is misogynistic. I’d say all, but lesbian porn made with the intention of lesbians watching it—is cool

Only good when it’s amateur. Hot take

Well amateur and solo I guess… how about I stop thinking about porn?

**I**

Can’t.

Think about boobs instead and try to get off to that. It makes me aroused, but it makes me upset. I don’t think I can be interested in women just yet

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? Hope you did! Let me know how you feel. I’m feeling quite tired, but writing this feels so good for my mind! I can’t explain it


	12. The Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW read tags//  
> After a dream that feels too real, Kokichi finally runs away from home! Even if it is..less exciting than it sounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this one! Felt super bad Wednesday! Like- Kokichi bad. Don’t worry though! I pulled through so I can smile and deliver this story, cause I’m so invested myself! If you like it though, let me know. Hope y’all are doing wonderful btw <3

**In my dream,**

I was with you

I was so free, so happy

It’s cold

It’s wet and cold

It smells like dairy

I’m still with you, though

We live together

We reside on the mountains

I’m happy at last

Most of my worries have been defeated

I wish reality was my dream

**————————————————————————**

**Saturday**

**————————————————————————**

**I wake up**

The cold air of the refrigerator hits my body instantly

The freezer’s closed, with neck rested against it

In an uncomfortable position 

On the kitchen floor

Milk spilled all over me and the floor

Wearing absolutely nothing but my underwear

With my brother awkwardly poking my face

**_-..huh?_ ** **I ask dazed**

_-uhhhh… I don’t know what happened here, but can you move so I can get some waffles?_

I notice the milk. Ew! I hate it!

It soaks my underwear. Christ I’m in my underwear out here

CHRIST I HAVE NO SHIRT OR BINDER ON

I quickly cover myself with my arms

_-Shit!_

_-..you want waffles too, or nah?_ Kaito asks trying to dilute the awkwardness

**Embarrassment**

I said yes to the waffles by the way

Why did I sleepwalk? How? When?...Huh?!

So did everyone see my chest? Bad enough my brother saw them hghhh yuck

The worst part about it is that the position I woke up in allowed me to see the rolls coming in on my stomach. Yep, that’s the worst part

**We sit in silence**

As we eat

After I take a shower

After I put some pants and a shirt on

…I’m so confused

Probably hoping neither of us will EVER bring that up in the future

I wonder if his waffles taste good

**I’m curious to know**

What caused me to sleepwalk

Why I decided to do it naked

Why I would get milk, of all things

What the hell...that was

Where my binder is

**————————————————————————**

**No seriously**

Where the fuck is it?

I’m freaking out

Where

Is

It

I ask Kaito. He doesn’t know

I look everywhere twice. No

I ask Grandma. She knows

**She knows**

Because she took it

Because she doesn’t think ‘girls should compress their chest like that’

Because she’s a fucking bitch. Pardon my French 

_-Don’t worry I’ll throw it out_

_-No!!_

_-Well you’re not gonna keep it. Where’d you get this thing anyways?_

_-...A friend_ , lie

_-How long have you had this?_

_-...A week_ , another lie

**Grandma**

Puts my binder in her closet

 _-But-_ I try to reach, but I’m far too short

_-Is this another try at that ‘transsexual’ thing?_

Acts like she doesn’t know what I’m fighting for...

_-Transgender. And..no, I just wanted to...fit into something better_

_-Kokichi. Who do you think you’re fooling? Your breasts are so tiny you could slide under a door untouched!_

_-ow...well- thanks? But can I plea~se get it back?!_ I beg with puppy dog eyes

_-No, you should embrace your femininity! And your breasts_

I hate you. Why are you being such a bitch??

**Crying**

Is what I feel like doing

Is what I’m gonna do to get my way

Fuck my dignity, I guess

I start in front of her

_-Honey what’s wrong?_

_-‘What’s wrong’? You..you took it from me~_ I whine like a child. Bingo

 _-Well don’t cry about it..I’m sorry…_ she looks concerned. That face you get when you feel bad for doing wrong by someone else _-Kokichi, ...listen. I know..You think you understand what you want..but it’s wrong.._

 _-...What!?_ I sniffle with cutesy puppy dog eyes

 _-You know..._ changing what God gave you..it’s reckless!

_-...But-_

_-I know the internet can change your mind about things as you grow older, but that’s satanic lies they’re spewing_

_-..._ this the same lady that came out to me?

_-You know you had this thing out in the hallway? If Grandpa saw it, he’d wanna get you baptized or something!_

_-...right but-_

_-I think you should put a pause on this whole ‘transition thing’ you think you want to do_

_-Ok- I’m sorry, but what the hell do you mean? We talked!_

_-When?_

_-The night I said grace wrong! You told me you ‘used to be a lesbian’! What the hell was that all about?!_

_-I was just...angry and confused! I didn’t know what I was saying—that should’ve never been said. You might as well forget it! That was the work of the devil filling my head with lies_

_-Yeah fine, ok! How about this then?_ I make choices for myself now. _-I’m not gonna stand to live with someone who doesn’t treat me equally because they’re old stupid husband says so! I’m not gonna live with a coward whose too afraid to just come out of the closet-_

_-Keep your voice down!_

_-..And let her own grandson be free! I’m not gonna live with you!_

_-Says who?!_

_-Says me!_ I say, snatching my binder from her

_-Where do you think you’re gonna go?_

_-Somewhere far, far away from you! So far! You know why? Because I. Hate. You!_ I say as I slam the door and run off. I grab my coat, put on my boats, and get the hell out of there, before she can catch up to me and stop me

**————————————————————————**

**Cold**

Outside is

**Lips**

Chapped

**Fingers**

Dry

Cracked

**Nose**

Runny and freezing

**Me**

Absolutely freezing

**Outside**

I’m out!

I’m free!

It’s -7°C

I’m off to Shuichi’s house

**I text him, but**

He doesn’t answer

My message remains delivered. I wait…

Nothing. I call him. He answers after the third ring

_-Hey! Sorry, I had to-_

_-Wanna get away with me?_

_-..huh?_

_-Yeah I just.. ran away actually..maybe you and I can run away!_ I say smiling. My throat still hurts though

_-R-‘Run away’? Is everything okay?_

_-Well yeah! But..I was thinking maybe you and I could like- be on the run! Maybe stay in multiple hotels and stuff… till we’re stable_

_-That’s...quite the plan, huh?_

_-...It’s stupid. Isn’t it?_

_-No! It’s just...well- Kokichi, I don’t think I’m ready to just drop everything and leave. I gotta be in the moment. Why’d you run away?_

_-My Grandma took my binder… and denied my identity for a thousandth time_

_-Oh jeez… did she throw it out?_

_-No I snatched it from her, but everything about living there feels wrong. They’re a bunch of fucking transphobic assholes! I had a dream about us...I think we were getting away from all of the bad shit..together_

_-That’s awful- and that sounds wonderful, but I don’t have a job.. hell, I don’t even have a car. Or a bike! Maybe you could.. come over and stay for a little?_

_-But if I come over, they’ll find me and I’ll be in trouble_

_-Well ‘trouble’ is inevitable in a situation like this. I mean like- running away? That’s totally taboo! Your grandparents aren’t gonna be happy about it no matter how you look at it. You might as well face their wrath now, while it’s still early_

_-...So you don’t want to live with me?_

_-Of course I wanna live with you! It’s just-_

_-Too fast. Right? Everything is ‘too fast’ and you can’t do it because you want things to ‘slow down’. What the fuck do I look like right now, Shuichi?_

_-Well, to be fair, you were the one who wanted to stop…_

_-.._

_-Sorry! Was that rude? I-_

I hang up our call. He immediately tries to call me back and text me, for the next few hours

**Can’t believe**

He’d say something so..true—but out of left field

He’d say something...hurtful.. it doesn’t sound like him

**Maybe**

He was more upset about me stopping it than I thought?

I’m just a tornado and he’s a building

I’m just wrecking his brain, and hanging out with a sassy asshole like is making him..different

He _is_ using me for sex

We should’ve kept going

I would’ve liked it

He would’ve liked me

I should give it a try? No.. it’s too risky. I don’t wanna waste his time again

**BiRiBiRi’s**

Diner

Diner is where I decide to go.

Diner. It’s a bit far from home, not too far

Diner is where I finally turn on my phone and look at the messages from the contacts I muted

_“20 unread messages from Kaito💫”_

_“17 missed calls from Kaito💫”_

_“15 missed calls from Grandma”_

_“45 unread messages from Grandma”_

_“19 missed calls from Shumai❤️”_

_“82 unread messages from Shumai❤️”_

Diner is where I crack my fingers and straighten my back 

Where should I start, folks?

**Messages**

I scroll through the texts Shuichi sent. Lots of them are paragraphs 

Eyeroll 

I don’t read it yet. Instead, I respond with the first thing that pops into my head

_Me: k_

Immediate _‘ding’_

_-Shumai❤️: you’re still mad, aren’t you?_

_-Me: I don’t know, Shuichi. Why wouldn’t I be hurt?_

_-Shumai❤️: cause I didn’t mean it! C’mon you know that._

_-Me: that’s what…...he used to say_

_-Shumai❤️: I’m not your ex though! Pardon my French, but that guy was a dick_

I giggle at that

_-Me: Shuichi...I’m scared_

_-Shumai❤️: there's nothing to be afraid of. I’ll be here with you for anything._

_-Me: I want to run away with you. That’s all I want right now. I’m pissed. I’m tired of all the bullshit that’s going on. I want you with me. I wanna escape_

_-Shumai❤️: Baby, we don’t have a plan_

_-Me: We don’t need one! Besides, ‘member that Danganronpa plan?_

_-Shumai❤️: we need a fallback. And where are you anyways?_

_-Me: Fuck a fallback! You can get a job, I can get a job! We’ll be alright. And I’m @ BiRiBiRi’s_

_-Shumai❤️: it’s not ideal for two teens on the run to live off of a total of ¥2,000 an hour._

_-Me: it doesn’t have to be ‘ideal’! But if you’re so worried, why don’t you just ask ‘mommy and daddy’ if they can pay for your apartment?_

_-Shuichi❤️: Emancipation laws…_

_Me: Shuichi, quit being so difficult!!_

_-Shumai❤️: I’m not being difficult, I’m being practical!_

New Method: bribing. A shitty thing to do when someone has said ‘no’ a billion times, but when you’re this cute, it’s not that bad. Well, ‘ _this cute_ ’ as in he thinks I’m adorable, when really I wanna break every mirror I see myself in

_-Me: well...ok.._

_-Shumai❤️: I’m sorry, love..don’t be too upset. Please_

_-Me: no, it’s fine… I was just thinking about how moving in with you, away from all the bad shit could let us explore...new territory…_

_’New territory’? Barf, dude_

_-Shumai❤️: ?_

_-Me: never mind… it’s stupid_

_-Shumai ❤️: you can tell me_

_-Me: I guess I was just hoping that I’d gain the confidence I need in order for us to...make love_

Ew

_-Shumai❤️: Huh? ‘Make love’?_

_-Me: yeah~!_

_-Shumai❤️: I feel like an asshole now…_

_-Me: Why?_

_-Shumai❤️: cause I texted Kaito and told him where you are..._

_Me: cool. Remind me to block you later_

_Shumai❤️: Wahhh no!!!! I’m sorry!!! I just want you to be safe!!!!! Please don’t take it personally!! I love you!_

**————————————————————————**

**Awkward Car rides**

I don’t mind them, usually people don’t talk

I’m in the middle of one, now

My Grandma is furious—I can tell

She doesn’t say a word though

When we get home is she gonna kill me?

I’d prefer a car ride where there’s screaming and yelling

**We get to**

The house

Our destination 

The place I like to call hell

Our ‘home’

**I’m still**

Pissed at Shuichi

In awe at the fact that he won’t leave with me

In even more shock that Grandma ‘lied’ to me

Fatigued, so I can’t really remember much of what made me angry

**She takes my hand**

Oh god. I’m gonna die, aren’t i

Well, if you do try to kill me, please for the love of god make it quick and efficient

She looks calm enough, but I’m still a bit scared

We go to her room. We..talk

**_-Kokichi-_ **

_-I’m sorry I ran away from home, I was j-_

_-Yes. I know. It’s fine. Whatever that was, it’s in the past_

_-No, I don’t think you understand that I-_

_-Kokichi. I really thought about what you said to me_

_-...You did?_

_-Yes. And..I’m not sure when or how, but I think I’m gonna move out_

_-‘Move out’? Like- away from Grandpa?_

_-Yeah. Why not?_

_-...Well you’re old-_

_-That doesn’t mean a damn thing, though_

_-You’re right, you’re right_

_-There’s nothing here for me. Each day, I find myself getting more and more sad, and frustrated, and- all of these other emotions that a person shouldn’t feel if they’re truly being ‘loved’. I don’t know what happened to him and I, but..it’s just time to leave and move on… I can’t spend the rest of my days here with him. That’s not fair. I think I should just go for it. Shouldn’t I?_

_-Y-Yeah.. Yeah! Hell yeah! Forget him!!_

_-Shhh, lower your voice_ she laughs

_-Oh. Right. Are you gonna live in like- one of those homes or something?_

_-No, god no! I think I’m just gonna get an apartment. I’m in my prime, aren’t I?_ She playfully shows off her curves. I display a joking face of disgust. _-Oh, now why do you have that face on?_

_-Ugh. Gross, Grandma_

_-Ah hush!_ We both laugh

It seems I finally got through to her. Unless she plays the ‘jk I’m straight’ card

Then I bring up how I feel on moving out

_-Grandma?_

_-Hm?_

_-If Shuichi got money from his parents, could me and him live on our own?_

_-When you’re grown? Of course. You can do whatever you want when you’re grown_

_-...I meant like...now_

_-What?_

_-Kaito and I still have to live with Grandpa if you go!! I don’t wanna do that! If you support me and he doesn’t, why would I wanna live with him?_

_-I know, Kokichi.. I wish you could too.. it’s just so dangerous out there- in the real world_

_-I’ll be fine! You know I’ve been through a lot!_

_-Okay I hear you, but I haven’t even met this boy!_

_-...Right_

_-Y’know? I gotta see if he’s the right fit for you_

_-He is though! He treats me so good!_

_-Yeah but after...that happened.. I’m wondering if he’s safe to live with_

_-That was just me overreacting!_

_-You attempting suicide was you just overreacting?_

_-You know I’m mentally fucked up_

_-Watch your mouth, and I just want to meet him. Forgive me if I’m strict while he’s here, but that’s what it’s gonna come down to. If I meet him and decide I like him, you can live with him_

It sounds easy, but it’s not. I know my Grandparents… they’re gonna say something dumb, and probably homophobic. And I know—somehow, racism will be added into the mix

Old people are nuts

_-Fine. Please just don’t be awful people!_

_-It’s not me you need to worry about._

_-Why can’t he just be in the basement all day? Or maybe- we can get rid of him!_

_-‘Get rid of him’?_

_-Yeah! Like send Grandpa to an old people home, or make him go out to run errands or something_

_-I can try that… but sending him to an ‘old people home’ won’t work, dear. He’s not gonna comply too easily. What’s up with you putting old folk in homes anyways?_

I laugh. Seems like a viable option, doesn’t it?

**————————————————————————**

**Phone**

_-‘23 missed calls from Shumai❤️’_

Ugh. Why don’t you ever tell me anything good?

Is what I use to call back Shuichi

_-Kokichi! Hey! Is everything alright_

_-Yeah..everything’s alright, ‘Saihara’._ I say with emphasis on the maiden name

 _-Ew. Don’t do that.._ We laugh

_-Why did you text him? Ahh!_

_-I just wanted you to be home safe, hun! It worked didn’t it?_

_-Eh, yeah.._

_-Did you get in trouble?_

_-No, funny enough my Grandma was stoked that I ran away!_

_-R-Really?_

_-No dummy. She didn’t ground me or anything, but you can come over to meet her, or whatever_

_-Wait what? Really?_

_-Yeah. She says once she meets you, we can live together alone_

_-Stop lying_

_-I’m not! Swear to god! I mean she didn’t say it like that, but she said it_

_-Well that’s awesome! But you know I’m still hesitant on just getting a job and doing this..it’s so risky...what could we possibly do_

_-Don’t worry, I got it dude. We do this Danganronpa thing this upcoming fall, win the prize, live on our own then bam! We get a house and the money keeps staking ‘cause of our publicity!_

_-Sounds good, but what if we don’t win?_

_-We ‘will’ win!! I can even get Kaito and his girlfriend to do it too! Then they’ll win with us and we’ll make even more money!!_

_-Kokichi! That’s super dangerous!_

_-Oh please, my brother was born to kill. Besides, he would protect Maki with his life. This plan is too good not work_

_-What if he says ‘no’?_

_-Stop asking so many negative questions!_

_-Fine…_

_-You love me, right?_

_-I would die without you; of course I love you!_

_-Then trust me, love! I got this! We got this!_

_-Ok...I trust you_

_-Awesome! I’m tired. Love youuuu_

_-Love you more! Virtual kisses_

_-Virtual kisses!!!_

When the hell did I become so...glittery?

Did Shuichi do that?

Does Shuichi make me..confident? And happy? What are these feelings? I’ve never had a relationship that..made me feel like a new person...it’s a good feeling! Honest

Even if I sound annoying as hell

**————————————————————————**

**Sunday Evening**

**————————————————————————**

**_-‘Danganronpa’? Sounds dumb. I’m good!_ **

God damnit, Kaito…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it?!  
> I did, but however you felt about it is up to you! Give me feedback! Let me know! Xoxo Have an amazing weekend!!


	13. Dinner De La Family Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW read tags//
> 
> Woah mama!  
> Kokichi gets lost after cutting class and wandering around town. Kokichi realizes during this adventure, that he’s somehow mentally stronger than the potential struggle he ends up meeting  
> Also dinner de la family affair! Shuichi finally gets to meet Kokichi’s Grandma!! Hope you get invested in how..that goes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //TW read tags//  
> I hope you enjoy this one! Sorry it took so freaking long to write it! I was going thru some bs with a “friend” and my eating disorder is creeping up from behind me once again ‘yippee!’  
> I’m sorry I don’t wanna depress you.. enjoy this ahh!!!!  
> Also happy late turkey day, if you’re in America!

**Convincing Kaito**

Was unsuccessful. Not to worry though, I tried not to convince him _too_ much

Didn’t work, but I have a plan

Was only the beginning of this plan

...can’t help but feel like if somethings were different, you would be on board 

**————————————————————————**

**Monday**

**————————————————————————**

**Kaito,**

I plan on getting us to bond somehow, but I’m not sure what’ll do it at this point. I feel like an alien or something

I hate what I did

I know you hate what I did too

I think I’ll text you an apology, as I sit in math class

_-Me: hey. Sorry_

_-Kaito: For what_

_-Me: For everything… the suicide attempt, the ‘guest rule’ thing that was only started cause of me. I’m sorry that I ruined our relationship that night. I’m sorry you had to see me like that.. I’m sorry I fucking suck so hard. I’m sorry I’m not the “best baby sister ever”. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to be related to someone as trash as me. Sorry for the abrupt text too. Maybe I’m just feeling sad about you and I…_

_-Kaito: …_ (the three dots keep disappearing and coming back. He’s stumped huh)

I turn off my phone. I ask to go to the bathroom. I cut class—it’s only 5th period. I’m going for a walk. Hopefully I don’t get kidnapped

**I walk**

Out of hell—or school

Pass the gas station

Pass the park

Pass home

...I don’t really know where I’m walking to

Pass some of the nicer neighborhoods

Pass Shuichi’s house. I pause. I look at his house and feel something in my chest. I keep walking

Pass the even nicer neighborhoods

Pass Maki’s house

For miles

For hours

I turn my phone after a while. It’s lit up with hundreds of texts. I return Kaito’s call. 

I keep walking as I talk to him

 _-Hey_ , I say nonchalantly 

_-Dude, where are you?_

I try to look for a sign. _-Ehh, I don’t know right now._ I chuckle

_-Well you’re scaring me. Try to get home soon, k?_

_-I’ll try… but I probably won't. I'm pretty lost._

_-Dammit bro.._

_-...When did being my brother become a chore?_ I ask. Not angrily, just.. skeptically

_-‘Chore’? What do you mean?_

_-I don’t know… maybe I’m just crazy…_

_-You’re not!_ He rushes. I’m guessing he doesn’t want me to start jumping to conclusions… too late

_-Did you ever respond to my apology?_

_-..Not really…_

_-Ah. Ok_

_-B-But I didn’t know what to say! You just layed that on me all of a sudden.. I didn’t know what to say… sorry_

_-It’s my fault…_

_-Why?_

_-Cause it is_

_-But it’s not…_

_-..._

He clears his throat. _-I guess.. what I wanna say though.. is that I’m sorry if I made you feel like everything that’s been happening is your fault…_

_-What? No, you can’t just say that_

_-Huh?_

_-You can’t apologize in response to my apology! Who does that?_

_-...lots of people…?_

_-Well it’s half-assed. If you don’t know what to say, you can just say ‘I don’t know’_

_-...sorry_

I groan

_-I know, I know! But what the hell do you want me to say, dude?_

_-I don’t know… I just wish things were like.. before_

_-‘Before’?_

_-Yeah… I wish you were still in my business and cracking jokes about Shuichi and I wish we went out more and had fun like before…_

_-I thought you hated all that stuff_

_-Well I did… but I guess I kinda took you for granted.. I fucked everything up.. I made you all ‘scared of me_

_-Well I was only scared cause I wanted you to be okay!_

_-Why don’t we hang out then..?_

_-That’d be nice, ..if I knew where you were._

_-Sorry… I’ll try and get home.._

_-You wanna keep talking, just in case?_

_-I think I’ll be fine…_

**I continue to walk**

I keep going North, till I hit a dead end

I feel like running away right now

I feel like starting over. Telling everyone I’m 20, getting a fake ID, being alone..

Into the unknown… I don’t think I should live alone with my own thoughts

It’s dark now

I tell Kaito I’m in the neighborhood. Lie

I stop at a rest stop

**At the rest stop**

A guy who looks almost twice my age keeps staring at me

I stare back

He smiles, buys me a cookie from the vending machine

I think about how I can use him for money. He’s old and average looking. I’m desperate for attention.. I’m in a relationship though…

We sit on a bench. I tell him I’m 16 after he makes a slight advance at me

He tells me I seem mature for my age

_-Where are you heading off to? I’d think someone who's 16 would be at home at this hour…_

_-I’m just..walking I guess.._

He chuckles

_-Well do you need a ride?_

I should say no, but I say yes

We leave at about 9:56 and he gives me a ride

**In his car**

It’s clean

It’s roomy. A bit too roomy. I feel like falling asleep

I think about myself and what I just did. The situation I just put myself in… I have no idea why I’d get in an old strangers car. I’m kinda starting to feel numb again. Like everything’s my fault, so who cares if I get all chopped up

I feel a bit uncomfortable. He’s very sociable. He asks where he should drop me off. I tell him the at the corner of my street

_-So were you lost or something?_

I nod

_-You finish your cookie?_

I nod

_-You don’t talk much, huh?_

_-..sorry.. I just.. don’t know how to talk to strangers_

_-It’s okay! Young people are pretty awkward, aren’t they?_

I shrug. He places a hand on my thigh before we reach my neighborhood.

- _You’re quite small.._ he mutters with a low, creepy giggle following it. I feel nothing somehow.. it’s strange. Normally I’d be shitting myself, scared.

He stops at the corner of my street

I look out the window, my body turning from him. I’m unamused

 _-Sorry. It’s a bit cliche isn’t it?_ He says quietly

 _-what is?_ I mumble

_-A stranger wanting to touch you in his car._

I shrug

 _-Would you like me to do this differently?_ He asks me, like I have options or something

I shrug

_-Maybe just get it over with_

He looks put off. He knows I’m broken. There’s no point in trying to further shatter small tiny broken pieces of glass. It’s useless, you sick fuck

_-...sorry.. can I just- get you something so we can ‘forget’ about this?_

_At this moment I kinda realize I’m stronger than him. It’s funny. I’m more than half his size, and he’s wimping out! I’m so damn depressing, that doing me is like putting a dog down for this guy_

_This dudes a little bitch, huh. I normally wouldn’t spare people like him but..._

_-I like money_

**————————————————————————**

**I’m home**

And I’ve got 2k yen in my pocket. Cool

Grandma’s never been so worried

Kaito’s never been so confused

_-I thought you said you were in the neighborhood_

_-I did_

_-Yeah, like 3 hours ago what the hell, man_

_-How’d you get home? Did you walk?_ Grandma asks

_-Some old dude drove me home in his car_

_-Did he touch you!?_ They both ask in unison. I think about the money. It’d be pretty shitty to tell them he tried. 

_-Nah_

_-Are you sure?_ Grandma asks

_-...yes_

_-Oh! God, Kokichi quit scaring me!_

_-‘Scaring’ you?_

_-Yes! God! Everything you do is just frightening! I mean jeez- is there something wrong with you!? Do you not think about or feel anything!?_

_-Guess not.._

Grandma sighs and puts her head in her hands

_-Sorry… I’m making everyone stressed, right?_

_-No, no… it’s...fine. Just please don’t cut class! Just go to school and come back home everyday, okay!? That’ll help me out a lot!_

_-k…_

**In my room**

Kaito looks tired. Probably exhausted by my shenanigans. I don’t think we’re gonna be bonding anytime soon..

 _-Should we talk?_ I ask

He sighs 

_-I just..don’t know what to say anymore. You’re really freakin’ pissing me off. I.. mean that in the nicest way possible_

I roll over into my covers. I cry. I’m sorry

_-Uh.. I didn’t mean that_

_-Yes you did.. *sniffle* it’s fine. Really. I was expecting that.._

_-But you shouldn’t be.._

_-Well maybe that’s my fault, Kaito_

_-Stop saying shits your fault! Just ‘cause you do these things to yourself doesn’t mean nothing caused you to feel like this! Not a lot of people put themselves in life threatening situations just to see what’ll happen_

_-Well I do.._

_-But that’s what I’m saying! Only people that go through shitty shit do those things!_

I laugh at the term ‘ _shitty shit_ ’. It’s a funny choice of words

_-Fuck yeah, dude! Smile more! Laugh more!_

_-..I guess lately I just haven’t had much to smile for.._

_-I know, and that’s fine! Nothings your fault! Shit’s just rough right now.._

_-How’s your life going now?_

_-My life sucks now_

I chuckle. _-What happened to all that motivational stuff?_

 _-Well I’ll be honest, why not?_ It’s what I prefer. I hate being talked down to. _-I’m gonna start working a lot more, which sucks! I’m trying to maintain a relationship, and my brother is constantly doing scary shit_

I feel like he’s hiding more from me.. maybe it’s just me

_-I know,... once again, I’m trash_

_-Well that doesn’t make you trash. It just makes you a pain in my ass right now!_ He chuckles. I laugh as well. He knows how to get it out of me

 _-I’m just scared you’re gonna run out of my life or something!_ He continues. _-And I hear all this talk about you and Shuichi living together, and it’s all just…_

_-A lot?_

_-Yeah! Like a shit ton!_

_-Maybe you’re just confused.. you know, since you don’t understand our plan_

_-I haven’t even heard it! Is it batshit insane?_

I laugh again. _-Pretty much.._

_-Lay it on me! Can’t be that bad!_

_-Well, we wanted to live with each other for a little while,.. go on Danganronpa, and just live our lives! We wouldn’t have to work or do anything either! I mean once you’re on tv and they replay your face a bunch, you get tons of money and you can do commercials and stuff! It’s too easy_

_-Sounds like ya did lots of research._

_-Well, mainly Shuichi_

_-So why’d you want me to do it?_

_-I just.. wanted us to have more chances at winning! I figured the four of us could split the money or something, I dunno_

_-I think you know too little about all this_

_-Maybe, but what does it matter?_

_-Well it doesn’t sound that easy, Y’know avoiding death like that_

_-Well have you ever seen it?_

_-I’ve seen clips.. the people usually seem scared shitless_

_-It’s all for the cameras! And those people are stupid anyways! They make reality television look so difficult. Just think about it. Killing a person and getting away with it, is almost impossible! Figuring out who did it is a piece of cake_

_-Hmm..maybe. I just don’t want you to die so soon. You know people in this world are like- super duper fucked up, right? I mean, look at what happened with that guy driving you home! We got scared cause he coulda seriously fucked you up!_

_-I know, but I’m smarter than I look. Nothing’s changing my mind about this killing game either. I was just thinking you’d like to do it. Y’know, so we could ‘bond’._

_-I mean… jeez dude.. I know we could win it or whatever, but are you sure you’re even in the right state of mind?_

_-I’m fine! Jeez, quit asking about me! I’d be a lot better if I got on tv and made some simple friggin’ cash!_ I say, now while hanging up my clothes. I take the money out of my pocket and store it in my mom’s old jewelry box

- _What’s that?_

_-...it’s...from when we went shopping that one time, I… still got a little money leftover._

_-Ok…_

Perhaps I hide stuff from him sometimes too

**————————————————————————**

**In el mañana,**

I wake up in my closet

Kaito has to wake me up again

I come to the conclusion that I’ve been sleepwalking again

At some point I’ll have to figure out what to do about this. That time isn’t now though! I don’t feel like it!

I’m thankful I didn’t get naked and pour out all our milk like last time

**————————————————————————**

**Thursday Night**

**————————————————————————**

**After begging my Grandma**

It’s official

I finally got Shuichi to get to come over tomorrow evening

I’m off the hook for this week’s stunt I pulled

Grandpa will be out Friday. Said he’s gonna meet up with some old friends. I think he’s lying though. I think he’s been meeting up with a lady for awhile… I guess that’s none of my business though, right?

**Shuichi and I**

Talk on the phone today

Talk about him meeting my Grandma. Sure it’s soon, but I just wanna get the hell out of here and be with him

_-You scared to meet her?_

_-...A little.. I just really want her to like me! I want her to think I’m good enough to live with you_

_-You are though_

_-Well maybe to you, but if not to her, we won’t be able to be together_

_-true… ugh! I wish I was grown already_

_-You don’t have any faith that she’ll like me?_

_-No I do!! It’s just, she’s so weird and uptight. I hate it_

Continue to talk about what’ll happen tomorrow

Try to be positive about it. It’s so damn hard though, when things always go so wrong

**————————————————————————**

**Friday at school**

**————————————————————————**

**I got**

Invited to go to a party. Usually you don’t get ‘invited’ to high school parties, you just kinda show up. I guess she told me just to let me know she hasn’t forgotten about me…

A reason to be relevant

Fear. What if _he’s_ there…

An option to be social

Invited to Maki’s ‘birthday’ party. Wednesday’s her actual birthday apparently.. she told me to bring someone who isn’t too insufferable. I think I’ll bring Shuichi

A party to attend on the 5th

No reason not to show up if Kaito’s going… weak. Wonder how I’ll survive this then

**I feel like**

Leaving and going for a walk again

Looking for another pervy old man that’ll give me money

Picking up one of the stray cats I saw outside of the rest stop

Leaving school again

Going on an adventure. I just crave the journey

Sucking dick. The grossest thing I could’ve thought about, I know—but it’s my mind, dammit! Ah, never mind. The only one I’ve ever shamefully put in my mouth belonged to ‘Satan himself’...

I shouldn’t be thinking too much.. I’m getting more manic by the second aren’t I?

Eating food.. I shouldn’t. I should fast until dinner with Shuichi

**————————————————————————**

**Tonight**

Grandma doesn’t cook

She wants me to cook. Dear god..

I’m gonna burn this bitch to the ground

I decide to make something difficult to mess up. Kraft Mac n Cheese! Unfortunately, Grandma tells me that a side won’t suffice him, or anyone, so she tells me to make a lasagna

I’m panicking

Shuichi’s food will either come out raw or burnt

Grandma’s not even gonna help out. She tells me I need this skill, for when I start living with him. Even though we’ve established that _he’s_ the one who’ll cook…

Grandpas out, at least. That’s likely the only good thing that’ll come out of tonight though

**Help**

I don’t know what I did wrong, but everything looks super dry and gross

I ask my Grandma for some. She looks at the lasagna. _-eeee, yeah you definitely messed up._

...I KNOW THAT.

I ask Kaito for some, since Grandma is pretty much useless at this point.

_-Put some more milk in it_

_-But it’s already in the oven. You think that’ll really work_

_-Hell yeah! Saw Gordon Ramsey do that and that shit came out looking fantastic_

_-Ah..ok…_ I saw scratching my head, uncertainly

I don’t know why I’d listen to Kaito of all people. It looks much worse now

**Lasagna**

Oh, lasagna. What shall I inspect first?

-Your black burnt noodles and dry crispy edges?

-Your curdled milk?

-Your lack of tomato sauce?

-The **s t e n c h**?

-Your most likely raw meat?

-The few incorrect ingredients and amounts of said ingredients I put in you?

I’m not sure what went wrong

You don’t deserve to keep suffering

I wanna throw you out, but Shuichi’s here. 

I’ll eat most of you. I will sacrifice myself for the disgustingness that is you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ll end up purging you in the toilet

I made an abomination, instead of correctly creating you

**_-Hi!_ ** **Shuichi says when I answer the door**

_-hi…_

_-Are you okay?_

_-...uh huh…_

Immediately the scent in the air hits him

_-oh wow! What’s that?_

_-I made lasagna…_

_-Are you..sure?_

_-Not really.. I think I might’ve just hallucinated the whole thing and actually stuck a diaper in the oven_

_-..lovely_

_-Look I’m sorry! I can’t cook!!_

_-It’s fine! Maybe we can order something?_

_-Yeah, my Grandma’s not gonna like that idea.. maybe we can just eat cereal for dinner_

I crack open a window once he comes inside

**Cereal**

For dinner _is_ a better idea, so that’s what we do

For dinner, instead of eating my lab creation and immediately barfing it up

We eat Frosted Flakes

_-So Shuichi… it’s finally nice to meet you_

_-N-Nice to meet you too.. oh and ah- thank you_

_-Sorry ‘bout dinner, Kichi reaaally fucked it up.._ Kaito says

_-You’re the one who told me to put milk in it, asshole-_

_-Ah ah ah! Enough. Cereals fine too.. I supposed_ Grandma says that like it’s somehow my fault for cooking—when I didn’t even want to

_-I-It is! Thanks._

_-We’re not poor Shumai. I promise_

_-Well we don’t look poor do we?_ Grandma asks

 _-ehhh…_ Kaito says with a shrug

-Quiet. Eat your cereal

No offense, but eating you for dinner is pathetic in my eyes

**_-So Shuichi, what’s this about you wanting to live with Kokichi, ah?_ ** **Cutting straight to the point, I see**

_-Uh- oh, if it’s okay with you… I just thought we work really good together and I really love Kokichi so I-_

_-You ‘love’ Kokichi? Are you sure? Last boyfriend Kokichi had apparently hit her and told her he ‘loved’ her_

What. Why would she even bring something like that up?!

 _-You didn’t even know about it._ I speak up

_-Well yeah, but I was shocked when I heard about it_

_-You’re ridiculous_

_-Oh calm down, Kokichi_ she scoffs. Like she’s better than me. Ha

_-Um… yes I really do love Kokichi. I would d-die for him._

_-I thought you two met like 2 months ago, or something like that_

_-Well actually, it’s only been a month and- less than a half..sorta.._

Dammit Shuichi

 _-Wahh! A month?!_ She laughs

 _-Alright!_ I yell. _-What was the point of this dinner?! To mock our relationship or something?_

_-No, no hun! I’m not trying to attack y’all or anything, but all of this stuff I’m hearing is funny! That’s all!_

_-I’m feeling quite attacked…_ I mutter

_-Kokichi I’m giving him a chance, am I not?_

_-Your ‘chance’ isn’t a good enough one_

_-I’m sorry, should we cancel this evening?_ She asks condescendingly

_-..._

_-Um.. This… cereal is..so good...?_

I feel like saying spiteful things to her

_-Hm! What would you say if Shuichi and I got married tomorrow?_

_-I’d laugh in your face._

_-Doesn’t sound like you’d be stopping it, though_

_-it’d be a hurricane. You never touch a hurricane! Just let it mess everything up on it’s own_

_-Okay.. so is ‘you being with a woman’ like a hurricane, too?_

_-I never said I’d be with a woman! Shut up! Eat your cereal, young lady_

_-Young ‘man’_

_-Not this again.._

_-Aghh!! God!! I don’t know why I didn’t keep running, oh my god! There were so many freaking opportunities to get away from you people, but I keep avoiding them and coming back here! Maybe I do have Stockholm syndrome,_ damn.. I outta slow down there..

_-You cut it out!_

_-Not until you stop misgendering me! God Grandma, what are we? 5th graders?! Just treat me like an adult_

_-Kokichi I’m going to end this conversation right now. We have a guest right here_

_-Yeah! And he’s eating fucking Frosted Flakes because you don’t know how to help me out!! You don’t know how to support me! It’s like you’re incapable of loving me or something!_

_-What? ...I could never be ‘incapable of loving’ you, what’re you talking about?_

_-God, you’re so frustrating to talk to sometimes! Maybe it’s ‘cause your memory’s shot or something, but it seems like you never listen!!_

_-Ok well- she says sounding matter-of-fact-ly_

_-I told you!_ I get up, slamming my palms on the table, ready to make an exit. _-I’m a boy!! I’m a boy! I’m a fucking boy!!_

**This evening**

Definitely escalated quickly.. yikes

Is likely going to end with me continuing to cry in the bathroom

Will definitely end with me resenting Grandma even more. That’s for sure

Isn’t over yet though, unfortunately… I do hear a knock on the bathroom door though. 

_-What._

_-Oh come on, don’t say ‘what’,_ right. It’s just Grandma.

_-I’m not opening this door, I hope you know that_

_-..Are you like.. hurting yourself in there?_

_-God no! Jeez! What do you want?_

_-This isn’t easy to say,-_

_-This should be great. You know a sentence is a real winner when it starts off with-_

_-Oh shut it and let me talk._ She cut off my sarcastic remark. Rude..

_-I’m sorry.. I’m just..in denial_

_-Uh..yeah!_

_-No no, listen. It’s just hard to accept something like this.._

_-...why? I don’t think accepting your grandchild is pretty difficult_

_-That’s not what it is though! It’s accepting the fact that it’s clearly not a phase.. accepting the fact that you wanna mutilate your body, just so that you can change something so defining about yourself.. it’s hard to accept the fact that there’ll be people that’ll try to hurt you over this… it’s scary. I don’t want you to be in a vicious world like this, when you’re not just some typical ‘straight, cis man’_

So she understands what cisgender is.. what else does she know about? How much is she pretending to be oblivious to

_-Why can’t you just tell me the truth all the time?_

_-I just.. didn’t wanna hurt you.. would you just come out of the bathroom?_

_-I don’t want to yet_

_-Why?_

_-Because no matter what I do, I can’t run away from the fact that I am just some crazy ass girl_

_-You aren’t though…_

_-Well I wish you wouldn’t have made me feel like one for the past few years_

_-I know… I’m sorry. I handled it wrong. I guess I’m just too overprotective_

_-You can’t ‘guess’ that, if really you are though_

Silence…

_-Grandma_

_-Yes dear?_

_-I love him. I’m probably gonna marry him sometime in the future. And I’m not gonna have kids like ‘a woman would’, cause I’m not a chick._

_-...I know_

_-So where do we go from here?_

_-We can probably start with me referring to you...as a man…_

_-...I’d really like that_

_-Just please promise me you won’t hurt yourself… please.. promise me, you won’t go wandering off without anyone.. please just try to stay safe and alive_

_-I can try_

**I open the bathroom door**

And step out

Grandma greets me with a hug. I awkwardly pat her back, though I sincerely appreciate the gesture

And walk to the dinner table. I interrupt Shuichi and Kaito’s awkward conversation

_-So Shuichi, would you like to stay for dessert?_

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? I hope you did, hun! I can’t wait to write the next chapter! I can’t wait to write about the ‘special event’ AHHHHH!!!!  
> Let me know what you think, please! Love reading comments!


	14. Party Of 1 Or 2? (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW read tags//  
> Kokichi’s basic life gets bonked on the head with a party. Will he go? Of course, he ‘do’s—he never thinks!  
> Not enough about the party in this chapter but the next one will have the FULL experience lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!!  
> I’m freaking out currently, but enjoy this story please!!  
> And when you enjoy this story, enjoy whatever emotions it might give you!  
> This is a more chill chapter than much ‘explosive emotions’ however

**Shuichi**

Didn’t end up staying for ‘dessert’

Didn’t exactly run away either though. Surprisingly, the night ended pretty good. Grandma actually ended up liking Shuichi once she _seriously_ gave him a chance.

Told me how relieved he felt that Grandma didn’t hate him

Told me he felt even more relieved that Grandma learned to just freakin accept me

And I won’t be moving in together right away. It’s a process. Good to know I have the green light though. I asked Shuichi what _his_ parents thought about us living together. He said his parents didn’t really care. For whatever reason, that kinda made me feel a bit sorry for him—even if I’m jealous his parents are so lenient. 

**————————————————————————**

**Saturday**

**————————————————————————**

**Taking a shower**

I keep making the water hotter and hotter

I want to see how hot it gets before I can’t handle it. I’m curious

I let the hot water run down my back. Nothing yet

I turn around, let the water hit my face too. Nope

I stay in there for almost an hour, until Kaito knocks on the door and tells me he’s gotta pee

Well, it’s over now

It felt I was somewhere else…

I get out. Kaito tells me I look like a tomato

The water felt nice

**————————————————————————**

**Monday Matcha With Maki**

**————————————————————————**

**Matcha**

Is green

Is smooth

Tastes kinda like grass

Isn’t for me, but Maki likes it so that’s what we drink

We drink it and gossip. There isn’t a specific reason I’m here, I just am. Is this friendship?

And nail polish! Well, for Maki

**_-You hear what happened with Koharu?_ **

_-The cross-country champ?_

_-Yep_

_-What about her?_

_-..._ she reels in a bit closer. _You didn’t hear this from me, but she’s pregnant_

_-Wait seriously? That’s hilarious!_

Gossip hehe… Shuichi does not like that. I don’t care for gossip too much either, but Maki manages to make it sound interesting.

 _-What do you think about all that?_ I ask

_-Well, I don’t think she’s a slut or anything… it’s pretty damn unfortunate that’s for sure though_

_-You ‘don't think she’s a slut’? Really? I think any chick that gets knocked up and pregnant, in high school, is pretty trashy!_

_-You don’t know what could’ve happened though. You don’t know her_ she says seriously, setting the nail polish down on the coffee table

_-Do you?_

_-No, but I’m not the one calling her ‘trashy’_

_-Well Damn Maki, you told me!_

_-Yeah, but that’s ‘cause it was news to me! She’s not a slut though_

_-How do you know?_

_-She could’ve been naive, or drunk, or raped._

_-..._

_-..._

Straight silence. How come when I’m in the room, shit goes from 0 to 100?

 _-I’m.. sorry._ I say quietly

_-No it’s..fine… I get it, you hear something, you immediately think the worst thing possible_

_-Well I mean yeah, don’t you?_

_-Not when I’ve been in a situation kinda like that before_

_-Oh my god, were you like- raped or something?_

_-N-No. God no, I was just an idiot! I had a… ‘lover’, I suppose, who… sent out.. pictures... In my old school… Everyone thought I was a slut.. So I left and now I’m here… you gonna judge me and tell everyone?_

_-What? No, that’s dumb. Especially when I don’t know the full story_

_-...thanks.. Rumors are my nightmare.._

Wholeheartedly related to that. I mean, talking shit isn’t very scary—but having shit said about you is downright terrifying

 _-It’s ballsy to tell someone, though!_ I say, looking down awkwardly 

_-I know._ She responds almost coldly

k…

We can only hope the girl we gossiped about wasn't _raped_ … by ‘hope’ I mean think the possibility away really hard, so it seems like it’s not even there. That’s just the world we live in though, right?

**_-Uhh so anyways, the party.. will there be cake and Pin The Tail On The Donkey?_ ** **I ask, trying to break the ice**

 _-No, but there will be a few clowns,_ she jokes. _-I kinda wanted it to be small with like 30-50 people, but seems like everyone’s bugging me about it so there might be more people coming than expected._

_-Small is ‘30-50 people’?_

_-...yeah_

Interesting

_-How do you handle that many people coming into a clean ass house like this. Won’t you be in for a rude awakening?_

_-Nah, I can just get my maid to do it_

_-You have a maid?_

_-Yeah. She’s actually coming back from vacation tomorrow. Don’t worry though, she won’t be a guest at this party_ yeesh. Seems like Maki’s also in that habit of treating certain people like they’re subhuman.. 

We’re all a bunch of assholes though, right?

_-Is there any plan about how this party will turn out?_

_-No.. it’s just a high school party. Don’t be weird_

Don’t be weird, eh? Sounds pretty difficult

She grabs the nail polish and tries to reach for my hand

 _-Ah- no thanks. I’m good_ I say, pulling my hand back

_-Is it too ‘emasculating’ to wear nail polish?_

_-..._ I let her paint my nails. Nail polish doesn’t have any sort of ‘gender’ on it. Chill out, Kokichi…

**————————————————————————**

**My**

Nails are black

Room’s a mess

Drawer is filled with pastry wrappers

Head hurts

Eyes are screaming at me.. must be from how many hours on end, I stare at screen

Boyfriend is calling! Let’s add to the eye pain, why not!

 _-Hey!_ Shuichi smiles

 _-Hi. What do you want?_ I playfully bite 

_-I was thinking maybe Saturday, we could go to the library together_

_-uhh… that sounds suuuper boring!_

_-oh.._

_-But we can do it! Well- actually we can’t, I got a party I was gonna go to.. for a friend_

_-A party?_

_-Yeah I was actually thinking about bringing you. If you think you’re up for that?_

_-Well.. I’m not sure.. does your Grandma know your going? I-Is kaito going too? Do you think you’re gonna be okay?_

_-Ugh, jeez Shuichi!_

_-I’m just making sure you’re okay, love_

_-ok then; no, yes, and.. yes to those questions! Not in that order though._ I wink

_-Aw.. What? No. Come on, tell me_

_-I just did.._ I tease

_-You better not get in trouble_

_-Well then go with me! Maybe you can keep an eye out! See if I do something naughty_

_-Ahh, you’re annoying sometimes!_ He laughs

_-That’s the plan! What’re you doing tomorrow?_

_-Work.._

_-Seems like all you do is school work_

_-Actually, I got a job_

_-Hah? Since when!?_

_-Since last week, I wanted to surprise you. Well, I wanted to surprise you when I came over for dinner, but I think there were enough emotions going on that night_ he dryly chuckles

_-That’s great! Where do you work?_

_-I-I’m a barista at Ruwa’s! I can get you free coffee_ he smiles sweetly

 _-Ah.. I’m good.. going to a maid cafe alone is devastatingly sad,_ He laughs in response. I don’t love the idea of Shuichi working near a bunch of ‘ _cutesy_ ’ ‘ _sleezy_ ’ maid chicks. Sure the maids that work there are usually adults, but you never know what weird shit one of em’ might pull up their sleeves! This is temporary though… I **must** remember that to stay sane

**After**

A while, Shuichi and I fall asleep together on the phone

I fall asleep, I begin to dream about Shuichi and I

He gets enough money, we participate in the Killing Game

that, I can’t find him.. dream him.. it’s like he completely disappeared. I’m surrounded by darkness. I can’t breathe. No, I actually can’t breathe

Hello?

I wake up on the floor, with pillows on my face

I think I should listen to my dreams

I don’t want to upset Shuichi, though

**————————————————————————**

**Thursday Afternoon**

**————————————————————————**

**There’s something in the mail**

Clothes someone ordered, maybe

I’m not one to go through people’s shit—but I do look to see who it’s addressed to

..it’s for me

I open it, it’s soft—must be an outfit?

Well shit, it’s a new uniform!

Is it gonna be the one I requested to change? Are they gonna make the mistake of giving me the same outfit again?

And wow, it’s a male uniform. All for me. This must be a mistake right? I thought the school had to keep screwing me over, so they could fulfill their fantasies of making their students suffer

**I appreciate**

The uniform, I really do

Whoever broke the cycle of ignoring my emails

Being...heard, even if it’s something small, like this

The pants, though I’m sure they won’t fit, I’ve gotten smaller since I first requested a change-

Shit, they fit? Aw… I’m fucking fat again.

And just like I’m miserable!

I don’t look _awful,_ I guess.. I just lost my gauntly look…

**————————————————————————**

**Friday**

**————————————————————————**

**I wear my uniform**

With a tiny, tiny bit of confidence 

With a bit of pride, though it’s a size 2.

, Hell _a_ uniform, for the first time in almost 2 years

Maybe shits not too bad… for now

I guess I wear a new attitude too? ...maybe

**When I come into class**

My homeroom teacher is put off, to see I’m the first one there

 _-Morning. You finally get up early enough to catch the bus?_ She kindly jokes. It’s early I’m not in the mood to be cute

 _-It’s not that I missed the bus. It’s that I purposely missed your class_ I say with a mockingly positive tone. Don’t act like you’re truly interested with my life. It’s weird

_-oh… well, I like your uniform, Kokichi…_

_-Thank you_

**Throughout the day,**

I get stares from a few of my acquaintances

I can feel their eyes stabbing through my pants. Stop looking at me. Please

It feels like more people are looking at me. Was it too bold of a mood to wear this? I’m having a panic attack now. Eyes all over me. Go away. Go away now.

I think about cutting class and going home

I feel like others don’t want me to be happy

I feel like I should’ve just threw a sweatshirt on, instead

**————————————————————————**

**_-So, uh.. me and Kokichi wanted to go out tomorrow night_ ** **, Kaito explains to Grandma and Grandpa**

 _-That sounds nice. Where?_ Grandma asks

 _-..._ he looks at me, waiting for me to come up with something 

_-...uh Shuichi’s place, if that’s alright.._

_-Okay. Kaito, keep an eye out for your brother, don’t be back too late, yadda yadda yadda_ I like Grandma’s new attitude. For now at least

 _-Wait, wait. You’re gonna let her go to that boy’s house after what happened before?_ Grandpa chimes in. Ugh, shut up

_-He’ll be alright, don’t worry. If something goes wrong just let me know. Okay?_

We look at each other, a bit taken aback. We look back at her and nod

_-Yeah I know ‘he’ll be alright’. I’m not worried about Kaito, I’m worried about Kokichi_

_-Yeah I know. But kokichi will be alright. He’s smarter than you think_

_-‘He’? ...Are we seriously doing this?_

_-You two have fun. And.. what the hey, text me if you’re staying over._ She says as she takes everyone’s dishes to the sink, but Grandpa’s

**————————————————————————**

**Saturday**

**————————————————————————**

**I**

Wake up at noon today. Kaito asks me if I’ll be okay tonight

Shrug. It’s just going to a room filled with a bunch of loud people. Can’t think of a way I would crack under pressure from that. My sarcasm… is it good?

Look in the mirror for whatever reason, this morning

Hate my body. I’m getting so fat. I haven’t weighed myself in 2 weeks

Bet I’m 45 kilos or something. Ugh!

Wanna break this mirror now. I’m skipping breakfast

**What could go down at a ‘birthday themed’ high school party?**

A fight?

Someone gets ‘asshole drunk’ and ruins everything?

My ex shows up?

Shuichi finds someone else attractive

I get drunk off a few drinks, since I haven’t eaten anything? Ooh. Sounds like a bad idea. Think I’ll skip drinking too

Point is—bad shit happens at parties. I’d be lying if I said I _wasn’t_ intrigued to see who would get hurt. That sounds bad, huh. Sorry

**What to wear?**

...I don’t own any nice clothes, I like

I throw on a sweatshirt—I feel like it’s the best way to hide my shitty body

Kaito tells me to wear something better

_-I don’t own anything I would wear outside of the house…_

_-Bs. What about that shirt that Grandma gave you for Christmas?_

_-ah.. I don’t have the confidence to wear that outside_

_-Well she didn’t spend ¥230 on it for nothing! You’ll look good!_

_-..._

I appreciate the motivation. So I _guess_ I’ll wear it.. Definitely taking my sweatshirt just in case though

**We walk out**

Before I leave Grandma stops me

_-Oh, you’re wearing the shirt!! It looks so good on you_

_-thanks_ I say with a fake smile

_-Have fun, be safe! Don’t do drugs!_

Part of me thinks Grandma knows we’re not going to Shuichi’s house

The early February weather is pleasant this evening. Makes me wanna smoke a cigarette and drink hot cocoa

Kaito and I are on the same page. He pulls out his lighter

**On our walk to the party,**

We talk about how things are going at school. That’s about it though

We look around awkwardly trying to find something to talk about

We see two baby ducks wandering alone

We look at each other, then look back at them. They waddle away

My heart’s racing about this party. Not cause I’m excited or anything—just anxious what might happen to me

My arms are cold and exposed. I feel...valid? No, that’s not right

It’s dark out. Kaito and I are showing up pretty late.. picking up Shuichi will give me something to talk about

We walk to the nice neighborhoods

We see a guy walking his unruly dog

We embrace the fresh air. It’s nice to be outside

He tells me I’ve matured a lot this year. He says he’s ‘ _pretty friggin proud_ ’

**Shuichi**

Tells me he was organizing his bookshelf to pass time

Is a dork. But in a cute way. 

Kaito and I walk to Maki’s. There better not be treats there. I’ll get even fatter. I’m so hungry too… I haven’t eaten since yesterday

Looks at me a lot more on our way there. Like he wants to tell me something. Better not be bad news

**The snow**

Has cleared up

Hasn’t been on the ground since 3 weeks

Where did it go?

Is on top of Maki’s roof, but not her lawn

I miss it. I liked wearing boots and sinking in it slightly

Was white and pretty—like crack

**Inside**

Is warm

I take off my sweatshirt and hold onto it

It’s dim. It smells like...people

It’s loud

It’s not my scene

We go down to the basement. Where the real ‘ _party’s_ ’ at

Shuichi seems pretty fine with it, people already trying to talk to him. Didn’t know he was this...friendly

I grab Shuichi’s hand tight. He holds mine back, but he soon let's go to play pool with a girl he knows

Ouch

**_-Best 2 out of 3!!_ ** **The girl whines.**

She’s tall, blonde, ...pretty. Big boobs too, huh? I’ve immediately lost whatever competition this is...

He calls her Kaede

Great

The girl he was desperately after

Did she _not_ block him then?

I clear my throat, feeling like a third wheel

 _-Oh right! I’m sorry, Kaede this is Shuichi_ he says after a good chuckle at one of her jokes

_-Hey. Like your shirt_

_-thank you._

Awkward silence

Kaede breaks it, talking to Shuichi

_-How’s bio?_

_-Still..pretty boring. How come you haven’t been going lately?_ He asks knocking a ball with the cue

_-He’s boring as hell! And he takes up my time_

_-Your time to do what?_

_-...Smoke?_

He laughs, she laughs as well. I don’t laugh. I feel invisible. I tug on Shuichi’s shirt like a needy child. He’s in the middle of a conversation, so he looks down not paying any mind—pulls his arm away and continues talking to her

**:(**

I’m feeling a depressive episode coming on, I don’t know what could’ve triggered it~

Shuichi, why am _I_ in the middle of your conversation 

Shuichi, why am I even here?

You’re thriving here. You belong with people who can socialize normally

Shuichi, why am I like your ‘ _ball and chain_ ’?

You keep talking to her.. You don’t even notice that Igo upstairs

**9:56**

Sitting on someone’s bed now.. don’t know whose

Could be Maki’s, her parents’, or her pet’s for all I know

Maki comes in. It _must_ be her room then, huh?

She lays on her bed, stretches and sighs

She sits up

 _-Uh..hey?_ I say

She jumps up

_-Christ! Ugh… don’t sneak up on me like that_

_-okay, again… I was in here before you_

_-Oh… well- damn, what’re you doing in here anyways? A-And do you like everything so far?_

_-I just wanted to get away from people for a second… Y’know.. And everything’s fine..your basements freakin huge, though_

She laughs

_-It’s okay.. are you sure everything’s fine though? Where’s your ‘plus 1’ or whatever_

_-Talking to some other chick…_

_-oh.. who’d you bring anyways?_

_-My boyfriend.. Shuichi_

_-Interesting name_ she teases

_-Seems like you’re having a good time though_

_-Yeah. Umi’s brother got us a bunch of drinks cause he’s legal. Sucks that soon, everyone will be all drunk though.._

_-Yep. That does suck.._

_-You should unwind, get wasted. I mean, you shouldn’t—but at least you’d be having more fun than you’re having now, right?_

_-I guess.._

I’m not sure why I agreed to drink. I haven’t eaten anything. I’m gonna feel like utter shit

**Drinking at 10:32**

If Grandma knew that she’d be surprised, probably upset

If Grandpa knew that, he’d be pissed. I’d be grounded, haha 

My head is spinning. It tastes awful. It brings back terrible memories of my ex forcing this crap down my throat. And me puking it all up…

Kaito’s fun when he’s tipsy

Maki and their friends are also fun

I’m not drunk yet, surprisingly. I’ve had 2 and I’m just tipsy… and tired

We’re outside. I doubt Shuichi wants to know where I am

**What time is it?**

I’m not drunk

Trust me

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you enjoy it? Hope you did!!  
> If did please like it. Sorry there may be errors, I’ve been very fatigued and tired lately  
> <3!!!!!!!


	15. Party Of 1 Or 2? (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //TW smut in this chapter; also read tags//
> 
> Kokichi’s having a mediocre time at Maki’s party, after Shuichi and Kaede begin to hit it off. Later in the night, Kokichi begins to battle his own demons and inner conflict and does his absolute best to get over them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //TW again, there is smut. This one kinda adds to the story, but I understand if you want to skip it—also READ TAGS//
> 
> I hope you enjoy this. Holy crap I’m sweating I’m so scared to post this okay bye aghhhh!!!!!!!  
> Sorry for the wait. Was suffering from that damn writers block

**_-🍤:Where’d you go? Is everything okay?_ **

...

Ignore.

**————————————————————————**

**I’m not tired!!**

I wanna stay awake!

I’m sober, okay!

My phone _is_ dead though.. 

**I meet**

Lots of cool people, too

More people that’re apart of Kaito and Maki’s ‘circle’

A cute guy. I’m in a relationship though. I think about Shuichi and I—and where we’re at right now… he’s putting in 7% right now.

**He’s**

An athlete

Tall

Hot

Out of my league

Too out of my league actually

Probably straight. Shame.. I could’ve made Shuichi reaaal jealous with a guy like that. We both know I would never go for him though

**After**

The cool people I met start going home, I’m left alone. Kaito and Maki are still here, but they’re out of sight. I’m too scared to strike up a conversation with any of the other random people here.

12:30, the party doesn’t die down; but it’s definitely getting smaller. What to do when all else communication and activity fails…

Eat, maybe? I broke my fast when I ate all those damn ice cream sandwiches

**In the**

Basement kitchen, I grab a snack

Cabinet, there’s a pink sticky note

 _‘Meet me in the attic ;)’_ Well that’s certainly rude. What kind of person would have sex in someone else’s house? Go back to _your_ place and do that! ...what if it’s for Shuichi.. and that stupid girl he’s been with all night is the one who wrote it?

**Upstairs**

I take some time to appreciate the decor. I can’t imagine anyone but the maid set all this stuff up, but it’s nice. It’s a bit blurry for me though.. shit, maybe I _am_ a little drunk

I try not to stumble. It’s dark up here

Bump into Maki and my brother

 _-Shit..sorry Kichi. We’re you gonna..use the attic?_ Kaito slurs. His question doesn’t really make sense though… ok…

 _-It’s not a bathroom_ Maki playfully slaps his shoulder. She then giggles and almost trips over nothing

_‘Use the..attic’_

..oh no, GROSS!

That note was for...ughhh

Humans are deplorable...

**I**

Go into the 2nd..I think- floor bathroom

Go and try to find bleach to soak my brain in. Nope. Nada

Leave and see Kaede and Shuichi walking down the hall across

Catch up, and push up against him, to grab his attention

I keep walking, but he stops me

_-Kokichi! Hey! What happened?_

_-...‘What happened’? You ignored me this entire night, that's what happened._ Kaede looks around awkwardly. She pretends to receive a text, it’s quite obvious.

_-Hey listen Shuichi, my friend just pulled up outside. We should talk more though! Have a nice night!_

_-Y-You too!_ He says and waves

Continue to walk away from him

_-Kokichi, come on_

_-What do you mean ‘come on’? Are all men just absolutely idiotic?_

_-What’d I say wrong…?_

_-It’s not what you said, bozo—it’s what you did! You didn’t even bother looking for me this entire night?_

_-I-I did! You didn’t get my texts or my calls? The whole time Kaede and I were walking around, I was looking for you!_

_-You know what- looking for me isn’t good enough, either!_

_-I’m sorry! What can I do to make it up to you?_

Scoff and turn away. I’m heading out. I wanna smoke and walk around for a bit

**————————————————————————**

**1:12 am**

**————————————————————————**

**On my way out of Maki’s house**

Shuichi’s still following me

It’s dark

It’s cold

_-Leave me alone, dude!_

_-Kokichi- I told you I’m sorry! Why can’t we talk about this, so we can make up?_

_-I dunno, maybe I just don’t feel like getting annoyed again_

_-Kokichi.._

_-What?! God! You’re like a dog, leave me alone!_

_-No. You’ve clearly been drinking—even if it is a little bit. I don’t think you should be walking alone at.. 1 in the morning!_

_-Fuck it! If I get hit by a bus, I get hit by a bus! Who cares?_

_-I care!_

_-Why!?_

_-Cause I love you, idiot!_

_-..I..I know that! You..think I’m dumb or something?_ I say, my face getting red. I slow down

 _-No baby.._ he catches up to me and holds my face. His cold, slender fingers pressing against my cheeks feel nice

 _-..._ I break away from him and keep walking. He does his best to stay behind me

I walk in the opposite direction that I went, when I arrived at that rest stop. Nothing but trees. Should be easy to get lost in here.. good. I want him to feel bad

_-Kokichi, where are you going?_

_-I dunno. Don’t follow me!_

**I can**

Hear Shuichi sigh

Feel the wind getting stronger. I shiver—this sweatshirt will never hide the fact that I’m underweight

See frost on the ground

Tell we’re lost. My fault. We shouldn’t have kept walking. Don’t really know what to do.. my phone is dead, and if Shuichi’s dad knew he went to a party he would apparently kill him. Funny how one minute he tells me they don’t care, and the next minute he’s scrambling to find a lie to tell them. I can’t blame him… we’re not so different in that aspect

However, stop and apologize

_-I’m..sorry_

_-It’s my fault though. You’re right to be angry…_

_-I know. I’m just sorry we’re lost_

He realizes there isn’t a road or sidewalk in sight

 _-Shit_ he hisses under his breath

**We**

Look around. I start walking farther north. He follows

Talk to pass the time

_-...I thought she blocked you.._

_-Who? Kaede?_

_-Yep.._

_-We talked about that- it was funny. She told me when she got that text she couldn’t stop laughing. It was apparently the ‘ballsiest thing I could’ve done’_

_-W-Well I came up with the idea_

_-Yeah I told her that too_ he chuckles

 _-..._ I wanna be angry, but he’s so damn cute. I snicker

_-Again.. I’m sorry. I love you so much- I hate it when you’re mad at me_

_-..it’s..whatever_

_-Kokichi I don’t think you understand.._

_-‘Don’t understand’ what?_

_-I didn’t want this night to be like this. Kaede and I are just friends and I.. haven’t seen her in a while so we really wanted to catch up. I didn’t mean to push you away.. I get stupid when I’m awkward_

_-You do_ I say, trying to hide a smile

 _-And…_ he takes a breath. _-I wanted tonight to be..really special for us_

_-Special? What could possibly be special about a party?_

_-...never mind.._

_-But I wanna know_

_-It won’t end up happening anyways…_

_-..._

Keep walking until

Find a stop in the middle of the woods. It’s a cabin. Not super small—it looks like it holds at least 3 rooms

Look at each other in anticipation. Let’s hope we don’t get our heads chopped off! Shuichi opens the door. I stand behind him

**Inside,**

A kind looking old lady greets us, after she awakens from the sound of the door

_-H-Hi!_

_-Uh hey!_ Shuichi says shyly

 _-Would the lovely couple like a room?_ She asks kindly. She’s gotta be blind as a bat… we’re kids

 _-Uh.._ he looks at me then back at her _-Sure?_

She stumbly hands Shuichi the key

_-Third room..thank you for stopping by_

I feel kinda bad. Whose working this poor old woman. And for free at that! If I was her age, I’d ask for a better paying job.. unless she’s..doing this to help people… I never really think about people doing good deeds for others too much

**The stairs**

Creek as we walk up them

Are wooden and dreary

Have webs draped over them

Have dead spiders inside

Maybe I should stop looking at the stairs..they’re really freaking me out

**Shuichi**

Inserts the key into the door and opens it

And I gaze at the dimly lit warm room. The beds are nicely set up and everything looks like a room you’d see on one of those ‘tiny house’ shows. It’s welcoming

Walks in first. I still can’t help but feel like this is the beginning to a horror movie or something

Checks the mattresses

_-What are you doing.._

_-Checking for bed bugs_

It’s a good call, but you look like such a weirdo

_-Well…?_

_-Nope. Can’t understand why someone would open up a free rest stop_

_-Yeah me neither… and like- there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with it_

_-Maybe we should just..try to enjoy it?_

_-You really think people are that nice for no reason?_

_-I don’t know.. she’s old_ he says now whispering

_-Is there anyone else in here?_

_-..._ he presses his ear up to the wall _-I don’t think so… and if there is, they’re most likely sleeping_

_-I wonder how she could tell we were a couple.._

_-I would imagine two people entering a cabin in the middle of nowhere is just for like..sex and stuff_

_-True… do you think poor people come in here for a place to stay? Oh god that’d be so sad_

_-...I’m beginning to get an uncertain a vibe about this place_

_-I mean, where else are we gonna go?_

Looks pensive

_-I think we should leave at around 6 or 7 in the morning_

_-Is your phone dead?_

_-No.. is yours?_

_-...Yeah_

_-Well I guess we shouldn’t use mine a bunch then.. I’m only on like 10%_

_-This sucks_

_-It doesn’t suck all the way though_

_-How come?_

_-At least we're here together_

_-I guess…_

_-You ‘guess’?_

_-Yeah… I’d rather be alone with a bear than you right now_ I joke

 _-Come on_ he chuckles. I laugh with him. He sits by me and wraps his arms around me. _-It’ll be like living together.. this is what you wanted, right?_

 _-...yeah_ I smile

Takes off his boots and sits them by the door. I do the same

**I**

Take off my sweatshirt. He takes his off

Sit back down on the bed. I’m hungry, but there’s nothing out here. Only old instant ramen in the cabinet. It’s an option, but if it’s edible or not is the real question

Lay down and sigh

_-Shuichi?_

_-Yeah?,_ he answers while washing his hands in the creepy bathroom 

_-What’d you mean by ‘it wont end up happening’?_

_-Huh? When?_

_-When we were walking… you said you wanted tonight to be special and whatever_

_-I don’t know.. I was just..talking_

Roll my eyes. Looks like I’m gonna have to get it out of him

 _-Was it sex? Is that what you wanted?_ I ask the obvious question

_-...M-Maybe_

Can feel my heart begin to tense up. At this point, I think I wouldn’t mind… I don’t know though. I don’t even know myself anymore

_-Gross.. you wanted to do it at Maki’s party?_

_-No..I wanted to do it after Maki’s party… but you were gone. And waiting to go home until 11, turned into waiting to go home until 1… now it’s.. almost 3 in the morning_

_-..I think Kaito figured we’d go home together, too. He didn’t ask if I wanted to go home or anything.. then again, he was irresponsibly drunk_ I chuckle

_-Speaking of that, how much did you drink?_

_-Eh, not a lot… I’m ‘light’ though, so I guess I would pass out if I had 2 more beers. Ugh they’re so gross too!_ I exclaim. Shuichi giggles

_-Really?_

_-Yeah! I don’t understand how grown ups drink that shit, dude. I wish we could’ve drank together.. it would’ve been fun to see you hack and spit it up like a cat_

_-I’m not ‘that’ much of a baby! I wouldn’t wanna drink to get drunk though… seems like a bad idea_

_-What else is there to drink for?_

_-Having a good time, maybe.._

_-I suppose…_

_-..When was the last time you..really..had a good time?_

_-Not too long ago. It was with you… Before you, I never really had any good times though.._

_-I know… I wish I could just- erase all of those shitty memories, so that you like- never suffered!_

_-That’d be sweet, but.. if I never learned from those mistakes, I’d make them over and over again_

_-..That’s a..really good outlook on it_ he says sounding like he’s admiring my positive input

_-Shuichi.._

_-Yeah?_

_-Did you have any good times before me?_

_-..Yeah, sometimes.. you definitely changed my mind about relationships though_

_-Wait, really?_

_-Yeah.. or maybe just ‘me and relationships’. I thought I’d be chasing people for the rest of my life and..never really engage in any meaningful relationships_

_-Well it’s cool I could do that for you.._

_-Did I change your opinion on relationships at all?_

_-Of course.. I thought you were...supposed to be broken in a relationship. You know that though._

_-Yeah… I do.. I guess I just like to hear you appreciate it. That’s stupid, right?_

_-No it’s fine!_ I hold his hand. _-For your first real relationship,... you’re.. pretty mature._ There goes that feeling in my heart again and oh- now in my stomach! He makes me feel like my insides are doing backflips. Especially when we’re this close in person. He grips my hand tighter. We look into each other’s eyes. It feels like the world isn’t spinning right now. It feels like nothing in this world is ‘happening’… it feels like it’s just me and him… together… it’s so good

**One thing leads to another**

And we begin kissing

And I’m pulling off his shirt

And he’s shakily unbuttoning mine

And I get on top of him

And my tongue is in his mouth

And his hand grips my waist. Small trigger

And his hand presses against my covered chest

 _-Sorry-_ I start

_-No it’s..it’s alright. Are we..Are we doing this?_

_-...If you want to_

_-I’d.. love to_

And my face gets hotter

And my lips begin to attack his neck. He lets out shaky, soft moans _-I love you.._ he says breathlessly

 _-I..love you too_ it’s all I can muster up. He’s too sweet and endearing

And my hips are softly grinding against his groin

And our breathing becomes heavy and desperate

 _-Can I…_ he asks referring to my binder. I nod. Déjà vu

And my binder ends up on the floor beside us. I want more. I can’t explain what this feeling is, but I.. need more…

**1+1= <3**

Shuichi pinches… _it_ nervously

I let out a depraved groan

He pulls me in closer, I can feel his erection brush up against my ass

We continue to kiss, as my hand scans down his bare chest. Envy..

My other hand rubs the hard-on through his pants 

He slightly shivers under me

He’s so vulnerable. Why not take advantage?

_-How is it?_

He struggles to get the words out. His face is incredible flushed

_-Hnn- so.. good_

I move down over to his thighs. Time to finally see this thing

I unzip his jeans and help him pull them off his legs

I lightly pull the waistband down. He’s a nice average size. Big enough to feel something, small enough to _not_ feel pain

I grab and stroke his cock

His hand presses against the side of my head. 

Small trigger..

**————————————————————————**

**Remember when** **_he_ ** **used to do that to you?**

**Remember when he used to force it in your mouth?**

**Remember when you did it, like a dumb slut?**

**Remember when he used to call your chest your ‘tits’**

**Remember when he used to call your ‘area’ your ‘pussy’**

**Remember when he used to finish and make you clean up**

**Remember when he used to tell you to do it better?**

**Remember when he used to do it so hard it would hurt for the next few days?**

**Remember when he used to do it again the next day?**

**Remember how shitty you felt with him?**

Shuichi’s not him though

**Well sure, but remember that?**

Of course I do..

**Remember when you were thinner?**

..

**Remember when your bust was smaller?**

I..

**Remember when your tits were smaller? They’re getting bigger. Watch out**

Just… let me love him… let me love

**You don’t deserve to love**

Yes I do… why else would Shuichi be giving himself to me

**What if he lied? What if he’s not a virgin?**

What does it matter? He loves me

**No he doesn’t**

Yes he does

**No he doesn’t. He just wants you to have sex with him**

…

**No one could love you your trash**

Just let me do this

**Let yourself do this.. see what happens**

Let me be happy

**Let yourself be happy**

Let me leave

**The doors right there.**

**Remember when** **_he_ ** **used to say that?**

Shut up

Shut the fuck up

Leave me alone

Let me be happy

Let me laugh

Let me love

Let me be human

Let me give

Let me cherish this

Don’t fuck this up for me

Go away

Go the fuck away

**You’ll regret that**

Fuck you.

**————————————————————————**

**...1+1 still = <3**

_-Are you okay?_ He asks softly. I break my far gaze and slow pace

_-Y-Yeah_

_-We can stop anytime you want_

_-I’m okay.. really._ I tilt my head and lightly kiss his shaft

He winces

I continue to stroke it and pick up my pace. He squirms under me. I lick up from the base to the shaft, before taking him in my mouth. I revisit the technique I was ‘taught’ by my ex

Shuichi seems to be really enjoying it

He lets out soft and strained moans

_-Ugh Kokichi...you’re so..good_

I try not giggle

He lets out more rugged pants and groans and softly rocks his hips. It’s only foreplay and he’s practically done for

His grip on my hair gets tighter. I lick around the tip lightly—give him something to beg for

_-Hnn...please~ugh.. Kokichi..I..can’t!_

He whines before finishing

Gross

It’s in my mouth

~~Small trigger~~

**_-I-I’m sorry_ ** **he rushes, still out of breath**

 _-It’s okay.._ I mumble covering my mouth and hurrying to spit it in the toilet

_-And I’m..sorry I was too quick_

_-It’s okay, Shuichi_ I say confirmingly. Sounds like he’s really hard on himself for finishing so soon. Well, guess I know what to expect tonight

_-I just..don’t want this to be over yet_

_-It’s not over.. we can wait it out if you want_

He nods

I move in close to him

He places a hand on my thigh and tenderly kisses me

He tugs on the waistband of my boxers and looks at me

I nod and help him out

Then it’s like in an instant, I’m wearing nothing. Well, cause I am…

 _-Um are you- like..ready?_ he says awkwardly and shyly

Clearly inexperienced. Still adorable

I spread...it open and slick up my fingers; they come up wet and sticky

I offer him my fingers, see if he’ll accept and taste me

He obliges and licks them with his warm tongue. He sucks my fingers in a similar fashion of sucking a dick.. hot

Why can’t I have a dick?

...Never mind that

He grabs my thighs and spreads them apart. His fingers shakily make their way..there

His fingers awkwardly rub my clitoris. Oh, what an unpleasant feeling

I grab his fingers

_-That was..bad, right?_

_-Yeah, but it’s okay… I’ll show you_

He looks dumbfounded as I take his hand and guide him

I find myself moaning, once he starts getting the hang of it

Out of nowhere, he inserts a finger. I wince

_-Christ, Shuichi…_

_-S-Sorry! Do you..want me to stop?_

_-No..I’m sick of stopping.. just..please make me cum already_

Don’t know where that could’ve possibly came from

**> ///<**

His tongue presses against my clit, and licks me.. pretty damn good

His fingers push in and out—I help him grind them steadily when necessary

 _-Fuck…,Shumai…_ I sigh desperately

I feel like falling into him

 _-Tell me your ready.._ I plead

-I..I’m ready..just..hang on

He gets up and looks around in his pockets to grab something

He pulls out a condom. Shit..he really did have this plan in his head, huh?

He eagerly rips the wrapper open and eventually slides it down his throbbing cock

 _-I wanna be on top_ I slightly gripe

He nods and sits with his back against the headboard

I climb over and align his dick with my...entrance

I lower myself down on it, before wrapping my arms around his neck and throwing my head back

The sensation of him simply entering me, could kill me alone

I slowly ride his cock—my hips trying their best to grind my clit against any surface beneath me. It fails, and I end up using my hands to further stimulate myself, instead

Shuichi hesitantly grabs my ass with both of his hands. I can feel him slightly jut in and out, under me

I angle myself, allowing him to hit my desired spot

I feel like crying. It’s so good

I let out whines and moans, as his cock taps against my g-spot. 

I can hear him shuddering and moaning. Every thrust begins to feel like absolute magic. My stomach coils, it’s burning hot. I want more. I get more

I get faster, he increases his speed as well

_-Ah! Ugh! Shuichi, fuck! Harder- ahh!_

He mumbles swears and lets out stifled groans, practically pounding me after a short while

I can feel my orgasm approach

I rub my clit faster, try to get my fingers more slick so the trip is easier

 _-Shumai yes! Ah! Fuck- please, agh!_ I yell—trying my best to keep it down

Shuichi’s grip gets tighter. He holds me close, gives me his last quick thrusts

 _-Shit- Kokichi, ughh!!_ He groans before finishing

I follow shortly after

My body begins to spasm, my organ begins to pulsate 

I feel like nothing but a puddle of butter, melting into his embrace

I hold him tight

He holds me tighter

 _-I love you_ he musters up, breathlessly of course

_-I love you too_

**Afterward**

I can’t say much

I don’t think he can either

He pulls out, does his best to clean up

I’m so fucking tired I can’t even move at this point

Shuichi joins me and holds me once again

He falls asleep almost immediately 

I look at the time on the digital clock beside me

_4:12_

Well shit

**————————————————————————**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? I hope ya did! Let me know! Comment! Or don’t.. I don’t know- love me AH!!!

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed it let me know. If you didn’t let me know but please don’t spew hate, only tame criticism:)
> 
> My main Kokichi ship is ougoku btw but I’ve come to really enjoy the dynamic of Saiouma when it’s put in this sorta angsty/ hurt and comfort type of scenario


End file.
